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Bisexual and happy

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MBM4K54, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. MBM4K54

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    Is it possible to be bisexual and happy and contented. Is bisexuality a real thing or is it just another word for greedy people that want it all.
    These are some questions I'm asking myself.
    I'm a married bisexual man that's got a pretty good relationship and sex life with my wife, so why do I still want to explore my same sex attractions, why do I want to risk all I have for something that may or may not be all that I expect. Is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence.
    If I was to get it would I just wish that I was back where I was when I started all this.
     
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  2. olderwiser

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    Life is all about the choices we make, be they good, bad or indifferent. Is the grass always greener on the other side of the proverbial fence, maybe not. Do we always make the right choice? I have developed the attitude that, the choice made was the right one at that time and if that proves wrong, then so be it. What it all boils down to is being responsible for the choices made. Sitting on the fence is a hard way to live.
     
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  3. LaurenSkye

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    I believe that everybody has some sort of other sexual desires. You can be attracted to other people, same sex, opposite sex, or both and be happy with your current partner.
     
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  4. IslandMama

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    THIS. I am asking myself the same questions now for 3+ years. Not if bisexuality is real, cause I know it is... but why must I want both? And how will anyone ever be happy with me when I do? And, do I need 2 relationships simultaneously to be truly satisfied? Which is what it feels like. My husband is also trying to understand. We have a great time together, so why am i always feeling like I'm missing something? Or do i just need more female energy in my life, but not necessary female lovers?

    Sorry, no answers for you... you just activated my question-asking protocol. Obviously I am also just struggling along like you.
     
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  5. Butterfly6

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    I agree, life is all about the choices we make and what we truly need to be stable, happy human beings.

    My bisexuality hasn't reared its head in a long time and now these feelings are really weighing down on me to the point where I feel depressed at times.

    I think if you can function, stay happy with your wife and be sane, then why risk it? Keep bonding with your wife, stay committed.

    Unless these feelings are really putting you through the ringer then I'd probably say you need to explore some more and figure it out.

    I totally get it, having feelings for both sexes can be really complicated.
     
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  6. MBM4K54

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    You're probably right, staying committed to my wife is probably the best option for me.
    If nothing ever comes of it at least I've acknowledged my bisexuality.
     
  7. Nickw

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    @MBM4K54

    I've been wondering how to respond to your thread. As a bisexual, that is in a longtime opposite sex marriage, I understand how you feel.

    I don't recall if you had ever experienced m2m intimacy? For me, not knowing what this would be like was the most compelling part of my difficulties in being a bisexual and part of the reason I came out to my wife. Now that I have, I COULD go back to what I used to have with my wife knowing what it meant and how it felt to be with a man. BUT, I wouldn't want to. I find having both a man and a woman in my life is so much more fulfilling.

    It's not at all easy though. But, the good things in life never are. I didn't get to where I am in my career or my adventure activities by taking the easy way out. My "dual" life is no exception. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of time. And, quite honestly, it is not for everybody. Sometimes I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew. But, the rewards are immense for ME.

    But, the crux is making me better for my wife and my FWB. Both need a level of care and love that I need to be sure I am providing. That doesn't mean it needs to be all of me for either of them. I don't believe we can be everything for another person no matter what. This is such a personalized and unique set of conditions. All three of us need to be fulfilled and happy. As soon as that doesn't work it all can fall apart.

    In my case, my FWB knows that my primary relationship is with my wife. This does affect our ability to connect in some ways. Because one part of connection, for a lot of us, is a sense of ownership. My wife and I have an element of that. But, in some respects, the relationship with my FWB is purer. It is always in the moment. There is never taking anything for granted. The intimacy can be so deep because we live in that moment only with no expectations that we owe each other a life together. For me it is another way to connect with another person.

    As I grow in this triad, I am learning how to make it work better for each of us. But, the two people in my life are both exceptionally open and accepting. Not everyone can do this and that's OK too.
     
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  8. IslandMama

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    Nickw, I'm curious about your statement that, now you have experienced m2m intimacy, you COULD go back with just your wife and be content with that. It seems to address the idea that this is really just curiosity that is mostly making us crazy, and that it's actually possible to get it out of one's system, as it were?

    I just wonder a lot if that is possible... or if having SOME will only make me want MORE. My husband is afraid that it's a slippery slope, where I will eventually just leave him for a woman. But then other times encourages me to just "do whatever you gotta do" to explore and get it over with! Obviously he has not decided what he's ok with. So right now we just keep talking. But what I ultimately want is the middle ground you describe, where you get to have both. I feel my sexuality is incomplete otherwise. Do you agree? And if this is just how some of us are built, I don't care if people say we are greedy and sex crazed. I am what I am. And not ashamed.
     
  9. regkmc

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    Also struggling with this. Open marriage...occasionally intimate with my wife. Needing to be the father and provider that my Dad could not. Have “explored” with men and hard for me to embrace. Find women and one in particular extremely attractive and have had the best sex I have ever had with her. Love the intimacy we have....but recognize the unreal nature of the relationship.

    Still anxious with it all. Feeling like I will never find peace or contentment and wondering what is wrong with me that I can’t. Still don’t love that I can feel overwhelming sexual urges involving men at times.

    I have been at this over 3 years and it can be exhausting at times.
     
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  10. Susy54

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    I’ve been through this for 40 years and am not dealing with it well. Never been with a guy but have thought about this every day. Too worried though to try and what it would mean to those around me. However, the need to explore is so great that I’m taking risks on-line that are mad.
     
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  11. SevnButton

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    I say Yes! It is possible. It's got to be, because I am bi, and I'm determined to be happy. Does that make sense?
     
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  12. BiGemini87

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    For me, personally? Yes--it's entirely possible to be happy. I did go through a bout not too long ago where I wondered what it would be like to have a female lover, but it never went beyond wondering. Am I still attracted to other women? Absolutely, but my attraction doesn't mean I need more than one partner. I'm always going to feel that way, probably because I didn't get to experience intimacy with other women, but the fact that I am happy with my husband and want absolutely nothing to impede our relationship outweighs my desire.

    I think, like with anyone, regardless of sexuality, there are going to be variations. Not every straight or gay person is monogamous, so it stands to reason that not all bi people are polygamous/polyamorous. People are not the stereotypes associated with their sexualities, and while some people do fit certain things, it's our choices, our actions that carry the most weight--whether we desire others, or not.

    I'm not suggesting anyone's struggles are any less valid, of course. I get it--but all life is struggle, and it's up to us to decide what to do with those struggles and to find what satisfaction we can in our circumstances.
     
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  13. justme32

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    I get this- I feel this. I'm going to say something harsh, but please understand that this is me just being real with myself. It many not be how you're feeling. I know that, for me personally, this has to do with being bored in my marriage and not wanting to do something about it. Like, the sex has gotten REALLY boring. It almost feels like a "get out of jail free" card in my head because I'm like- ooh, a whole new gender to explore?! That's different than just cheating! It's a novelty! And yet, at the same time, I know that I do feel like it's cheating and that thinking this way makes me feel like a terrible person. So, I think that this has to do with awareness that I need to continue working on my marriage because I still love my husband just as much as I ever did and that I am still the same person who would NEVER want to jeopardize my marriage because of who or what I'm attracted to. I kind of feel like I'm arguing in my head constantly- something to the effect of, "stop it, you know better, male or female or some other gender, it's still a person that you would be cheating on another person with- what's the difference, really?!" while the part of me that wants to experiment is like, "but, women, though...and the fact that you're gonna die some day...and all that..." followed by the adult me: "exactly, you're gonna die some day. Do you really want to waste your time having meaningless sex or enjoying the love that you have with your husband and the legacy you're building, and honoring the commitments you've made?" And ultimately- the legacy I'm building and the commitments I've made are the most important things to me. The rest are, like, premature midlife crisis thoughts. (And yet- there's still a small part of me, a very disingenuous part of me, that secretly snickers over hoping that maybe my husband will die first- not prematurely, just first- and then I can be with a woman...and then I feel like a disgusting human just for thinking it.) I love my husband, I really do...and I'd rather just focus on bettering myself and bettering our marriage. That is what truly makes me happy and makes me feel heart centered and overjoyed. The rest is, well, just sex, honestly. Meditate and consider where your higher self and lower self are in conflict with each other. That's my advice.
     
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  14. justme32

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    (Sorry, this is the more eloquent version of what I was trying to say above- I tried editing it but the forum wouldn't let me because I took too long editing it, apparently. That's what I get for submitting BEFORE proof reading, I suppose.)

    I get this- I feel this. I know that, for me personally, this has to do with being bored in my marriage and not wanting to do something about it because it's hard work. For example, the sex has gotten REALLY boring. In fact, I almost feel like the fact that I haven't had good sex with my husband in a long time is why I picked up on the fact that I'm attracted to women to begin with- because I'm walking around feeling horny, literally, ALL THE TIME, and never feeling sexually satisfied. Thinking about convincing my husband to have an open relationship so that I can experiment almost feels like a "get out of jail free". In my head, a much younger, more immature part of me keeps thinking- ooh, a whole new gender to explore?! That's different than just cheating! It's a novelty! And yet, the adult version of me knows that I do feel like it's cheating and that allowing the younger part of me to dictate the way I'm approaching this would make me feel like a terrible person. Ultimately, what this means, to me, is that I just need to continue working on myself and my marriage. I still love my husband just as much as I ever did and I am still the same person who would NEVER want to jeopardize it because of who or what I'm attracted to. There's a reason I chose him as my life partner and he hasn't changed. l try to remind myself that I'm gonna die someday, so...do I really want to waste my time having meaningless sex? Or would I rather spend my time enjoying the love that I have with my husband and the legacy I'm building, and honoring the commitments I've made?" I know that if I tried to convince my husband to have an open marriage, he would want to end things, and if we ended things because of this, I know how much this would hurt him, and I love him so much that hurting him in this way would not only destroy him- it would destroy both of us. So it's not worth it. This tells me that, ultimately, I am the same person regardless of who I'm attracted to, and the legacy I'm building and the commitments I've made are genuinely the most important things to me. The rest are basically just midlife crisis-style thoughts. I love my husband, I really do...and I'd rather just focus on bettering myself and bettering our marriage. That is what truly makes me happy and makes me feel heart centered and overjoyed. The rest is, well, just sex, honestly.

    Meditate and consider where your higher self and lower self are in conflict with each other. That's my advice.
     
  15. Nickw

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    Hi @IslandMama

    I apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this. I wouldn't call my same sex urges as a "curiosity" necessarily. At least not completely. I think, for me, it was so easy to categorize my same sex attractions as being less important than my opposite attractions. Then, after I really learned how important they were they became consuming. I just HAD to know what it was like to really experience what these attractions meant.

    Now, that I have explored some, and developed a close intimate relationship with a man, I think I will be content when this relationship runs its course. At least the intimate part of it. But, I ended up being very blessed by the experience that I have had with my friend. He will always be in my life since he has become a part of my family. I don't know how often this happens. I think I met a man that just fit with my life so well that he is not a disruption in my marriage. My wife just loves the guy. So, the potential jealousy is minimized. So, I know that I can love him and that he will always nourish that part of my sexuality even when we, eventually, are no longer intimate. Or, when he, hopefully, finds someone to spend his life with.

    I may be guessing a bit on this. Because it is sometimes hard to get a clear picture when you are in the middle of something. It's just that I don't even find other men attractive right now. Only my friend. So, it is hard to imagine that I will need to have same sex intimacy to complete my sexuality.
     
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