Hi, I will give a little of context, first of all I'm 34 years old, I been living my whole life as a man, I worked, studied and I get married and divorced as a man, I like womans like hell you know? But, I like flowers, I like pink, I do look like as a young man like anyother but when I get in my room everything is hello kitty, hatsune miku, sakuras, etc. The problem is that I'm been thinking that I want to be cute, I want to be lovely... someday I hear a song that makes me feel 2 emotions: happiness and sadness at the same time, the name is "onnanoko ni naritai" the song is in japannese so I just get some words not enought to understand the context, so I look for it on the web and I started to cry like: "damn... I am gay?? I want to be s girl? Is that normal? What if I want to be a girl but I still want to be with girls? Is that to be gay too?, why is this happening to me?" I need help, please, I do not what to do, it been hard to work without crying since then. What can I do? Please help
Hi @Gonsa - You're in the right place. There are lots of people here on Empty Closets who understand. You are special, and you're not just like everyone else. But there are a lot of people who are just like you. You will be OK. Keep posting.
Hey there! Other members may provide more and better insight on gender details than me, but this might help you: -Gender is about who you are. For example, you may be a man, a woman or non-binary. -A woman is a woman, regardless if she is cis or trans. A trans woman is a woman, just like a cis woman is a woman. -Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to. A woman who is attracted towards women, but not men, is gay/lesbian by definition. Again, a woman is a woman, so it doesn't matter if she is trans or cis - if she likes other women, but not men, she is gay/lesbian. If she likes men, but not women, she is straight (yes, even if she is trans). And, if she likes both... she is bisexual. If you could imagine your ideal "image", without any restraints or social expectations, how would that image be? How would you be?
Thanks both for the answers, sorry about my typo here in the post and about the explanation regardles the gender, I think, I would like to look shorter, smaller I don't care if I could be overweigth or not, I never care that not even in thw girls I liked, but I'? Quite big, like +180cm and I always feels like too big GDamn it! is like I'm a monster, I do not like to look at me at the mirrors, when I do is like to be looking to someone else, I like to think of me like... actualy I don't know, I just never though about it but in my mind I'm not this big and rought, I wish I could be sweet and beauty, am too big for my bed you know? My feets fall of the end... maybe in your country is normal but here is not... I've never try to create a new image of myself is always just an idea, an idea that I never try to give it a try because its imposible, I'm almost al the time happy, I even walk in the office jumping, because I'm happy about the sun is shining in the sky or because I have a coffe in my hand and people look at me like I'm a freak but what can I do, this is the way I am... I will try to figure out how would I look like if I could be anything, I will post again in about an hour, I will spend this shower letting it flow in my mind
It took me a lot of time, but I think I know, is difficult to think about imposible things to me but if I could decide what should I look like it would be something like: A small person, like 166cm, white skin, wide hips, small feets, soft skin, thin legs, beatiful hands with thin fingers, long hair but not too much, like I don't know, until my shoulders I guess, it should be brown because I like that color, could be a little shinny with grey reflex and a little bit ondulated, that should be great. I wish I could have a sweet smile like with rounded teeths, the top middle ones should be longer than the rest of them like a bunny, but not to look ridiculous, just to look like more cuttier I believe. I do not like to have long nails because its not my style but if the nails could be longer enought to make my fingers look more delicated it would be awesome. My eyes should be the why like they are now, I think that is the only thing I like about my face, there is always feeling inside them, could be sadness, joy, happiness or even anger but I always can look at them and say "at last, those are pretty"... damn it, why there is always sadness when I think about this? Other guys want to be pretty too? I do not have many friends and I do not tell anybody else about my feelings on this subject, I think they would laught of me because I am different, I started a psychology therapy because of my divorse, but I think this stuff are more important right now, I really want to know why I just don't feel like ok with myself. I want to know why I am always scare of been the way I am, I can not even be on my desk moving on my sit full of happiness listen the music I like, because there are people arround me that start to looking at me and comment who knows what and pointing me, trying that I didn't noticed, but they are pretty bad at it because I feel it, so I turn arround and then they stop talking inmediatelly and contains their smiles, like I was a joke for them. Sorry, I lost the point of this post, the thing is that I just want to be pretty, I want to like me, I want to be able of take me selfies like everybody else and post them on the social networks, like everybody else, but when I take pictures of me and look at them I feel sickness, like I want to vomit or something, does anyone else feel like that? Again I lost the point of this post, jess... Ok I will continous with the description ok? I am sorry if this is too long. I wish I could have a soft skin on my face, I hate the fact that I need to shave, my face hair is pretty soft but i do not like it and everytime I shave, the acne attacks again. I wish my... stuff wheren't down there, it hurt you know? Even when I was married and I had sex, the 2 of them down there hurts a lot when the move arround and hit against... you know what I am talking about, I would like to be able to wear soft undearware without looking down and get dissapointed and frustrated because does not look like I expect. I wish I could look at the mirrow and think "wow damn, you are so sexy" and not this "god damn it, why you still there, when this shit will end" I wish I could be brave and stand in front of a girl and say: "hi! ♡ would you like to go out with me?, would you have a date with me tonight?" Without thinking "god damn it, I am hideous, she would never ever accept me, she would just laught of me because am ugly like hell" I guess theres nothing more, I just don't like myself
I'm sorry to write again, but I came about a lot of time since last night and now I have a question whats the idea of this question?
the question: If you could imagine your ideal "image", without any restraints or social expectations, how would that image be? How would you be? By the way, what is a CIS? You mentioned a couple of times but I don't know the meaning of that...
Oh! Ok thanks, I just try to google it with the lgbt at the begging and get a wiki link, its everything new to me here...
Again, my advice here is limited, because I'm not trans. Other members may be more helpful than me on this one. I have asked that to see if it would help you to reflect upon the questions you have asked in your first post, especially those in bold, below: You said you have started therapy because of a divorce. Have you talked to your therapist about this other issues? If not, do you have this possibility? It could help a lot.
First of all, there are plenty of trans women who are lesbians. Experiment with expression if it's safe to do so, see how it feels be be referred to as a woman if you're not already. Get a few subtle pieces of women's clothes, or paint your nails (toe nails if you want to be discreet), maybe learn how to apply makeup. Given that it's safe to do so, and your area is LGBT friendly. I also recommend talking through some of these thoughts with your therapist.
Hi, I've talked to him about the idea of my self been too big, I tell him about that I feel that I may be smaller, he think is because my wife abuse me in so many ways that it could be that I got a new mental idea of myself, I ended the subjet there because I have no idea if there is other things that may be the cause, but the other day, when I hear that song I thoungh: hey! This could be the main problem, this could be why I feel so weird all the time, this could be why I always think that I'm pretending, like: I'm strong, I need to work because thats what mans do, I need to prove my selft and others that I am powerfull Is like I couldn't trust anyone in life, like I have no chose other than to be what I look like: a big man. When I have a girlfriend a feel different is like I do not need anything else, I don't need to pretend that am strong, I feel like she is what I need, looking a pretty girl makes me feel we are one so I do not need to worry about anything else, I feel I do not need to pretend, I can be sweet to her, I can look at her and be cute to her, because she loves me. I do not like to look at me ever because I can look at her and think we are one only.
I have made my hands and nails to look prettier, like make it shinny? Never use one of those product, is like a tabu to me, I do use producto to clean my face because I use to have a lot of acne when I was a teenage, so now I keep it undercontrol and my skin is pretty nice, I do like to take care of my skin, I do not like others look at me and use a disguisting expression because I have that problem. I have use polar socks because of the winter, I love them, I think their are pretty cool and girly, is embarasing if anyone notice it but I never show them of course. When I was a teenage my family doesn't have a lot of money so one day I have to use my sisters jeans because she have a new ones but I haven't any, I may say that I love them so much, it was so cool, nobody notice that was girl jeans I guess, nobody ask me about them neither, but my body looks so nice on them that I keep them for about 4 years even when I got new ones.
