What should be in place before pushing for divorce?

Hey @Fuzzy,

You’re not alone in putting it off, I put leaving my ex off for about three years.

I partly put it off for financial reasons. For most of that three years I was either unemployed, a student or not doing well at work, which made my job unstable. Whether or not this is a valid reason for not leaving yet, will depend on your situation. At the time, I felt that I couldn’t leave without stable employment. In the end, I left without it and got a new job within two or months, which I really enjoy. Though, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without family support.

The other main reason that I stayed was fear of the unknown. I didn’t know how my ex would react, I was worried about what other people would think and it felt like I would be losing control of the situation. Whilst my situation was slightly different from some others (I never had to tell my ex that I was planning to leave), I did actually feel better and more in control once I had started taking actions and doing things. I took it slowly, one week at a time, and planned what I needed to get done that week. I was still nervous at the point of leaving, but afterwards, I wondered why I didn’t do it sooner. I think I’d built it up a lot in my head and the reality was simpler than I had imagined.

If there’s any kind of physical or emotional abuse (which I hope there’s not), then leaving needs to be your main priority. There are lots of support services out there for people who need to get out of a relationship quickly.

That said, I think financial and practical things need to be considered, but if you really want to make it happen, then I think most people can. Baby steps to begin with. I didn’t think it was ever going to happen, then six months later I’d left him. If had waited for a perfectly stable situation for my daughter, then I would still be with him now. I really don’t think that there’s a perfect time.

 

For me, most of the other sources of stress that I had (work, housing, etc) still existed as I went through the process of leaving, but they were all tied up in the question of what I was going to do after I left, so I just had to take it one week at a time and try to worry too much about the other side.

I think *what* the most emotionally draining and/or time consuming parts of it are will vary from person to person. So, the practical side took most of my time, actually getting myself in a position where I could just walk out the door and not come back. The most emotionally draining part was having to hide everything that I was doing from my partner and pretend that everything was fine. For other people, telling their partners and then living with them whilst everything is sorted is probably really difficult.

Do you think it would help to prioritise this over the other stressors? They might feel more manageable after you’ve dealt with this.

 

Yes, it is going to be hard no matter what. As I said above, there’s really no perfect time.

Only you can decide when the time right for you. For me, looking back I was probably making excuses to put off the inevitable. I’m not saying that you are too, but I think it’s easy done.

 

It’s not uncommon to put unpleasant things off.

I did it too. Left things until the situation was unsustainable and I had no option but to act.

You’ll find a way to make it happen. Keep posting.