I thought I had fully accepted that I was bi early last year when I started coming out. Then I got a boyfriend and started questioning if I was a lesbian. Now I think that all of my questioning has just been internalized biphobia. I think that I wish I was just fully gay because I'm afraid that, in the future, I will potentially fall in love and marry a man and all of this sadness and anxiety around accepting myself and coming out will have been for nothing. I know that's irrational but it's a real fear of mine. I also feel stupid coming out to people because I don't feel gay enough to be a part of the community. Has anyone dealt with this before or have any advice? Thank you
I totally get how you're feeling. Personally, I still can't seem to figure out if I'm really into guys or not, and sometimes I think I'm a lesbian, and sometimes I start wondering if I'm actually bi. When I feel like I could be bi, I feel the exact same way about not feeling "gay enough" and it makes me so sad. Like I'm not "gay enough" for my feelings for women to matter, and it's inevitable that I'm gonna end up with a man. I think it's important to remind yourself that no matter what your sexuality is, you don't have to marry a man, or even act on your feelings for men if you don't want to. You don't have to explain yourself, or why you love who you want to love. You can choose to date women if that would make you happy. I think that can seem like a hard thing to do when you're bi because it requires a deliberate choice to not let your attraction to women be looked over and be swept up into heterosexuality. I think it's also important to remember that the person you're with doesn't determine your sexuality. Even if you married a man, you wouldn't suddenly be straight, so coming out as bi would not have been for nothing. That is also difficult to remember, since our society wants to put people in boxes. I think that's what makes it so hard to identify as bi. On a side note, I am curious as to what happened when you got a boyfriend and started questioning if you were a lesbian. Was being with him what made you question yourself or did you realize that you were actually bi because you were with him?
Yeah you've pretty much summed up what I've been feeling and thank you, it helps to see that I'm not the only one who feels that way. My boyfriend (I'm still with him) made me feel like I might be a lesbian. Before I was sure I was bi but then I started to think I was a lesbian because I didn't have big feelings for him. But I've realized that I think I was holding back on feelings for him because I had just accepted my sexuality and I felt like liking him would diminish that but I know that's not the case. I'm still confused about him and still don't know what I feel. I have this horrible back and forth between thinking that I'm trying to convince myself I'm gay bc I don't wanna be bi or that I like guys but just am not compatible with him or I'm just gay and lying to the both of us. I've posted about this before and everyone gave me great advice and told me I should break up with him and I didn't even though I knew I should've. We've been dating for almost four months and have said I love you and I feel like I'm in too deep. I've also come out to another one of my closest friends as bi on New Years -one that is very homophobic- and it was kinda alright but I can still tell that she's uncomfortable around me and we haven't talked about it since. A part of me feels like I'm still with my bf bc of her. Her bf and my bf are best friends so we have this like double date friendship thing and I don't want to be the one to ruin it. Wow I just reread that and it's so confusing. I don't even know if there's any advice you could give me I just needed to rant. I wish someone could just tell me how I feel because I sure don't know. Sorry if that sounded aggressive I just feel like everything's so messed up right now.
You've been dating for 4 months. How is that "in too deep?" Not tryna trivialize what you said, and I'm guessing you're kinda young, but just know that 4 months of dating is very short. You're very lucky you can deal with all this now before you're REALLY in too deep, like those of us who have children, mortgages, and decades of marriage to consider. Count your blessings... and try to imagine yourself 20 years in the future. Who do you want to be then? What do you want to be proud of about yourself?
yeah sry I don't want to make it sound like I'm wallowing in self pity I am just frustrated at the moment but I guess I'll figure it out with time. I said I'm in too deep because of how imbedded my relationship is into my friend group. I don't want to hurt friendships or make it awkward for anyone right now but I realize that tons of people have it so so much worse
@nat03 I have yet to talk to any bisexual who hasn't experienced internalized biphobia, and I think it largely stems from people expecting us to "pick a side". Sometimes you hear it from heterosexuals, but more often than not, you hear it from within the community itself--which, in my opinion, is so much worse. As to your friend situation? I know you might feel selfish, but it's not your responsibility to keep everyone else "comfortable", not when it's at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing. Maybe there's no chemistry between you and your boyfriend because he isn't the right person, or maybe there isn't any chemistry right now because you have a lot on your plate mentally and emotionally, so whatever feelings you may have for him are effectively on the backburner until you can work things out with yourself. If you don't break up with him, I advise you to at least be honest with him about what you're going through. It would be easier to break things off now than later, but I can understand waiting until you're sure that's what you want/need to do. And @Leah061 is right; who you're with doesn't erase your sexuality. If you are bi, you're bi no matter who you're with. Take some time to mull things over on your own, and don't let other people (especially your friend group) influence your decision, however difficult that may be.
