I'm a 31-year-old woman and recently admitted to myself, family, and my therapist that I'm a lesbian. In my late teens and early 20s, I thought I might be bisexual. After having a long, fruitless crush on a female friend, I dated women for a little while (in addition to dating men). At age 23 after a particularly unfulfilling date with a girl I met on Craigslist, I decided that I had to be straight. The irony of this is that six years prior at age 17, I had more or less said to myself "if you're questioning your sexuality, you're almost certainly not straight." Even earlier than that, I had crushes on girls and female teachers as a kid but didn't see them for what they were. Actually, at the age of 9, I do remember thinking to myself "Oh, I'm probably gay" and then burying it and moving on. Throughout my life, I've gone on a lot of dates with men but had not had much (re: anything beyond kissing) sexual contact with them and wasn't in a relationship with one (or anyone) until earlier this year. I ended up asking out a guy in my friend circle and entered into a 3-month relationship with him. Being in that relationship confirmed to me that I was gay. Looking back, I talked myself into having a crush on the guy I dated and the interest I forced myself to have completely vanished after messing around with him. More than anything, I realized that I didn't like the version of myself that I was while in a relationship with a man. I broke up with that guy about three months ago and have spent that time settling in and really accepting that I'm gay and that there's no conceivable reality in which I'd ever be happy sexually or emotionally with a man as a life partner. Now that I'm ready to fully come out, I have two big fears: I worry that other gay people, particularly those who have been for a long time and came out at a younger age won't believe me because it took me so long to get here. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but the idea that my gay friends might think I'm confused or lying keeps banging around my head. Were any of you more scared to tell other gay people than straight people when you came out? My ex is someone who is in my friend group. I pursued him and asked him out. I'm afraid that if I come out as gay so soon (3 months) after dumping him, it'll either seem like I "used" him to figure out that I'm gay or that I'm not actually gay because I was just with a man when, in reality, being in even a brief relationship with a man was what pulled back the curtain and made me stop denying being a lesbian. I really don't want to sit around and wait months and months until it's "an acceptable time" to come out, but I'm not sure what to do. My therapist and mother both think I'm too worried about the timing and that I should just be honest.
I'm actually older than you and am still pretty inexperienced on the dating front. I had convinced myself that I was asexual because I couldn't admit to myself that I'm gay because of my religious background. I've yet to have any harsh reactions or have anyone not believe what I'm experiencing amongst other lgbt people. That may change and this may haunt me as my dating life progresses, but friends have all understood so far.
Thank you for sharing! I didn't have a religious background, but there were many points where I also thought I was asexual because I simply couldn't muster up any sexual feelings toward men. It's relieving to know that other LGBT people have been accepting for you thus far.
Hi, I have had similar feelings. I'm not out to anyone at this point, but have thought of first coming out to a friend that is gay. In fact, I came really close to convincing myself to do it, but was afraid that she would not believe me. While I've been with men my whole life, I only felt right with one. I don't know what to think about that other than that I was young, with him for a long time and we were very close. After that, I didn't know why I just didn't feel drawn to men like my straight friends were. And I too, did not like who I was when I dated men. I felt like I was being someone that wasn't really me. So, back to telling my gay friend. She was a friend that I talked to about guys I dated so that is part of why I don't think she'll believe me. Same for friends that I grew up with, even if I know them to be accepting of other lgbtq people they know. Even going to lgbtq events or meetup groups gives me the same anxiety. While I don't have any answers for you, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Separate question (if you are willing to answer)... I know it's a very personal thing, but have you found that seeing a therapist has helped? I've seen one in the past, but not for lgbtq feelings/issues and didn't feel like it helped much, but this may be different. It's more specific and it may help to get me talking to someone.
One thing to remember with gay friends who have been out for a long time is that some of them have past experiences of their own before coming out. While that doesn't guarantee that people will immediately accept it when you come out, it helps a lot.
First of all, you thought you were gay when you were only nine years old? I'm about your age at 32 and I didn't even know what homosexuality was when I nine. I didn't even understand how babies were made until I was 14. That's besides the point I guess. I tried to come out as queer in my late teens, but nobody believed me. Even my gay friends shunned me because they thought I was just trying to fit in. I lost my best friend in part because of this. I haven't seen him in many years, well over a decade. I've tried to "starve" my sexuality because of that for this. I figure that by denying myself homosexual encounters, I'm punishing my own homosexuality for betraying me the way it did. But will people believe you? Sure, you're a woman: Gay women are very popular these days. They're looked up to. Look at Rosie O'Donnell, she didn't come out until she was like, in her 40s and she's very influential and everybody believed her. Nobody questioned her homosexuality. Why would they? Why would anyone openly admit to being part of one of the most oppressed groups of people on the planet, risk shunning themselves before their peers and family unless they really were what they say they are? So, yeah, I should think people are likely to believe you when you say you're a lesbian.
I'm a 39 year old woman and the coming out process has drawn out for me over a couple of years. In my case, I knew I was bisexual and buried it. I've got involved with some LGBTQ activities and I have been on dates with several different women and no one has given me any trouble at all.
I was probably more like 10 or 12 when I started to vaguely realize something was up, but (at least for me) it wasn’t that I was thinking about sex yet. It was was me starting to have puppy love crushes on women and starting to realize I was staring at women’s figures and things. I knew (and was horrified by) who and what was drawing my attention. I know other women who knew really early on.
Whatever the reasons are for you and him breaking up, the simple truth is that you weren't right for each other. He's not your boyfriend any more, so it shouldn't matter too much how he feels about you coming out. It might come as a surprise to him, or he might even have had some suspicions that you didn't enjoy being with a man. But whatever his reaction will be, he doesn't get to be the one who decides whether you are definitely a lesbian or not. He doesn't get to decide who you go out with in future. Only you can judge your own sexuality. One of the things that makes coming out difficult is that we worry a lot about how our "newfound" sexuality will negatively impact the lives of the people close to us. But I think this is a form of living in the past, in our comfort zone.
I'm 49, have been married for 12 years, have an 8 year old daughter and only started fantasizing about women 3 years ago and just had my first sexual experience with a woman 2 months ago... best thing ever... it was like a light went off... so this is how it's meant to be... now I'm grappling over my marriage or my female lover (btw, I told my husband immediately ) So... things change, circumstances change, hormones change, we evolve... age only refers to how many times around the sun we've been. If you like women then go for it. It's better than you start the rest of your life now.
@Scenery I came out when I was 27 and a half. And I was terrified people would judge me, call me out on it and accuse me of pretending to be homosexual. That was because I spent years in the closet acting heterosexual to avoid being singled out in the world. But I got a lot of support from amazing people, so don't be afraid of being judged or unaccepted. You're going to find very helpful, accepting people around you. . It's never late to come out!
I think you'll find that there are many, many LGBT people who came out at later ages... and that few, if any, would judge you for that. We have so much more to clear before we start our romantic/sexual/adult life. Coming out to ourselves, accepting ourselves, dealing with internalised homophobia and family and the community and religion and culture we come from, trying out different relationships... until we eventually make peace with who we are. For many of us, that takes years. As for the ex, it just wasn't right for either of you. You don't have to explain anything more than that, IMO.
I came out in my late 20's and had the same fear as you do. But i soon realized that it was easier to come out to my gay people. Unlike straight people, they understood what I was going through and they were really supportive.
While I can't speak for gay/lesbians, I can say that I am in my late 30's and recently joined a local support group for trans and genderqueer/non-binary people, most of whom are younger than me, and they have all been very welcoming of me. My biggest concern was that those who are fully trans would not accept me since I am not fully trans, but there have been some fully trans people who have been very friendly to me.
