I’m not sure where to post this so I apologize if this isn’t the right section to post this in. I’m in my late twenties, came out as gay to both parents and friends and family but truth be told I’m probably closer to bisexual or homoflexible. I find women attractive but I find men much more attractive emotionally and physically than I do women. I find myself in a conundrum where I see a traditional family(mother, father and kids) when I’m out and about and I think about that happening to me one day, having a wife and kids, and it warms my heart and gives me butterflies but the conundrum comes in when I realize that it honestly takes a lot for me to find a woman attractive and then I feel like I should give up on the idea of having a traditional family. On the other hand, when I think about falling in love with another man, it warms my heart and gives me butterflies too but the idea of living a non-traditional lifestyle doesn’t really appeal to me. I really like the idea of having biological kids because to me there’s something to be said for the pride that comes with creating a little mini version of yourself and raising them to become adults. I know that adoption is an option and it’s something I’ve considered. I know me saying that having a non-traditional family/relationship isn’t appealing to me may not be popular opinion but that’s just the way I personally feel about it as it pertains to my own life. I’m just wondering if anyone has felt similarly and how I can reconcile these thoughts I have.
Hi! I cannot answer your question directly or relate to the desire to have biological children. But, I do know the attraction of a heteronormative lifestyle. It’s what we are taught to be. So, it is really difficult sometimes to not follow that path. I’m a bisexual. I sorta chose the hetero route because it seemed easier and more acceptable. But, I will say that the same sex attractions that you feel may likely not be diminished when you embrace a hetero lifestyle. So, if you are seeing men as more attractive This will likely not change...even with a kid. I would suggest really getting to the bottom of what your sexuality really is. Speaking from experience. I’m probably a middle of the road bisexual. I feel attractions to both men and women pretty equally. When the societal pressures enter into the equation, it’s very easy to say I’m not gay enough to live a gay lifestyle. This is an over simplification of course. But, it SEEMS like you may be more on the gay end. You admit men are more attractive to you but a hetero lifestyle is more appealing. There are story after story of guys that fool themselves into believing that they are not gay because of the desires to have that traditional lifestyle. Not saying that’s you. But, it is worth really understanding what your desires really are before you end up in a marriage where you cannot be who you really are.
That is definitely one of the things I worry about is marrying a girl, having a kid(s) and then a few years down the road end up not being happy. Now we’re at a crossroads of either staying unhappy or divorcing and I just don’t want kids to have to experience that kind of drama. I experienced it when my parents divorced when I was a kid and it was tough for me at times. The societal pressure does have a big part to play in how I feel too.
I have felt and still feel the same way as you. I was married to a woman and we had a kid and later got divorced, but my sexuality wasn't the biggest problem we had, although it probably played a role. I have never come out to her or our daughter, and have basically minimized the role of sexuality in my life because I'm not sure there's a point to doing so if I'm not in a serious relationship with another man. I have always felt the same way as you about having your own biological kids in a traditional family, and I'm glad for the choices I made because I see so many gay men who never have any serious relationships and just keep sleeping around until they age out of it. I have something real and solid that I can look back on. Your situation seems different because you're already out as gay, so you would have to tell any prospective wife about your sexuality. But that's good because you should not keep that from her like I did. It might be more a marriage of convenience or it might be a lasting relationship where you can really grow together. (By the way, the famous author Michael Chabon is married to a woman and has a lot of kids and he used to have sex with men and his wife knows about it, so I think it can be done.) Or maybe you'll find the man of your dreams and the desire for biological children will diminish, or you'd consider surrogacy. (By the way, it sounds like maybe you don't have much experience with men ... maybe you should try to date guys?) Since whatever you choose you'll be giving up something, the important thing if you marry a woman and have kids (probably not as important with a gay man where you have no kids) is that you commit yourself morally to being with her for the sake of your kids and that you acknowledge before you get married that when you have feelings for men that may pull you away, that you won't follow them. If you can't commit to that then you should not get married to a woman and have kids. Either way, of course, there are no guarantees. So as I see it, the solution here is not so much reconciling feeling that really can't be reconciled, but instead choosing a path consciously and working at it in all good faith.
You sound like me 20 years ago. Now I am married with 2 kids and feeling hopelessly trapped. As much as I love my kids and wife, I would do anything to be able to go back in time and have taken a different route.
The advice you are getting seems pretty good. My own experience is different, as I was considering myself straight when I was your age. And I always knew I’d feel societal pressure by my late 20’s to settle down and start a family, plus my parent’s stated wishes, but that was fine because I found a great woman to do that with. Now in mid-life I still love my wife, and yet I fantasize about guys all the time. I would not give up any of the path I chose, I love my wife, my kids, my in-laws, etc., but I am sorry I didn’t have clarity back then that there was more to me than “straight.” My coming out as bisexual late in life has really put my wife on an emotional roller coaster. I’ve shown up at the court house for adoption proceedings for LGBTQ parents and I know the kids and parents are fortunate to have each other, and I know other LGBTQ parents who have raised kids and I’ve seen more examples on TV of such families. It wouldn’t have been an option back when I was your age, but it has been for decades now in many places in the US, and the fictional Heather, of “Heather has two mommies” fame would likely be a parent now, a bit older than you, considering how long that book has been out. You’ve got options. Figuring out who you are, now, and what you want (separate from the scripts society has shown you), is probably the best advice you’ve seen on this thread.