Bare with me as I ramble, no one to talk to at the moment. I first noticed her smile a couple of years ago (she is the second person whose smile caught my attention) we were passing each other, she gave me the most beautiful smile I've seen in a while. I think she snows that I like her, a colleague was going to pass on a compliment to her for me. . . Sort of a set up, maybe, when I first noticed her. Fast forward a couple of years, we now chat here and there when ever we see bump into each other. At least I now have something to say as I couldn't think of anything before. Some days I feel like I will never live my life to the fullest because I am still pretty much in the closet and won't be coming out any time soon. As long as we live in this community, I don't think I'll live authentically. . . Unless there is another way. My dilemma is that I feel I have a lot of baggage: husband and 4 children ranging 1 to 19 years of age. I want it all; a husband, children and a girl friend as polygamy is greatly frowned upon. Traditionally, though, my culture was more flexible and based on the family dynamics and needs as a whole, a second spouse was acceptable. Colonialism was imposed upon us (as with many other cultures), changing who we are. So now today, what was once accepted is not anymore. I am frustrated that I am having a hard time accepting my situation. I love my husband and children and can't imagine a life without them. But I also long for a companion who I feel truly safe with, and I feel safest in the arms of a woman. I feel alive when I hold a woman, and content with who I am. I am whole. But I also feel selfish because I have a husband, who keeps me safe, but the wounds of the past have scarred my heart so it is taking a long time to trust him again. He is also accepting of an open relationship, but he has his moments where he is convinced I am hiding something and becomes very insecure. So I don't think it is a good time in our relationship to include anyone - unless he is the one with another woman. We have very different tastes in women, and we have really good conversations about who we like and what not. Anyway, I hope I'll be able to start a friendship with her. She has a beautiful smile.
If both you and your husband are accepting of a bisexual open or poly relationship, and you think you could do that in a way that keeps you all safe and happy, then I honestly don't think you should let your culture dictate to you how you should live.
I also go for a nice smile. It's a huge thing for me, and especially if we can laugh together; this really gets me going.
We connected over social media, and talk here and there. She is so easy to talk to! I'm going to take baby steps and wait to tell her I like her a lot my fear is the homophobia in our isolated community, not to mention that my mother is a reverend... I can make it work
