Hi all. Been thinking about this for some time. Hopefully this is ok to post. Sometimes I think I'm in love with my brother. I don't mean normal love for a brother but actually in love. I've felt this way for awhile and have never said anything. We do have a sexual relationship and have been having sex for a few years (I lost my virginity to him). I thought it was because of the sex making me feel thus way but it's not the sex. I have sex with other guys but I don't feel the same way about them as I do my brother. The kinda odd thing is I don't feel like it all the time as it comes and goes. It's not a constant feeling. Maybe it's just a crush? I was going to tell him on Christmas but chickened out. Then I planned to kiss him at New Years and tell him but he ended up going out with friends. I know he loves me as a brother but I'm guessing nothing more. I don't think he'd react negatively if I told him and at most would just say he doesn't feel the same way. And I don't want him to think the sex is causing it and have that end. Is it just a crush? Is it sex making me feel this way? Or is it possible to be in love with a sibling?
As I'm sure you're aware, same genetic attraction is quite frowned upon in most societies, and I'm honestly not sure how people here will react to your post. That aside, I've heard of people falling in love with siblings and I can't see any theoretical reason why it shouldn't be possible. I suspect it would be very difficult to live in an openly incestous relationship though. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your brother, and do any of your family know about your sexual relationship?
Yes, I'm aware that it's frowned on and would be almost impossible to live in this kind of relationship. Right now, no body knows about us and were careful. We're 16 and 17. So perhaps the feeling will go away.
I should mention first that I have no experience or expertise in these things, so keep that in mind when you read my comments. You might want to consider what wiser heads say, or perhaps even professional advice. Just letting you know that I know nothing. You mention that you've been having sex for a few years, and you are 16. This suggests you started having sex with each other at a fairly young age, and I wonder if that might have impacted your emotional/sexual development. I think it must play some sort of role. Honestly, I have no idea if what you're experiencing is a crush, or love, or something else connected to having sex with a family member at an early age. I wouldn't really have a clue even if your relationship wasn't so obviously complicated and outside the norm, as human relationships aren't really something I understand at the best of times. But my hunch, which is probably not worth much, is that you've developed a strong emotional bond with your brother because of the sex. If you don't mind me asking, how would you like this to play out in your ideal world? That you express your love and he reciprocates, and the two of you live in a gay marriage in an accepting world? Or something else? Also, given the generally taboo nature of not only incest but the young age of you both, do you feel ok with it? Or does this relationship cause you any distress or negative feelings?
Having some experience with strong feelings for a sibling, I have to say sometimes those feelings go away and sometimes they don't. I think if you are honest with yourself about the situation and with your brother I don't see why the two of you could not remain close like you are. Which is counter to what everyone else is going to say; I am well aware of that. However you run the risk of all of the normal relationship problems even being with your brother. You might still have feelings and he might decide to move on. Or you get caught and likely will end up being forced into therapy.
You say you lost your virginity to him, was he the one who initiate the whole having sex together thing? As you know, incest isn’t that uncommon (morality aside) but I do think unhealthy sexual relationship can trigger what I would call phantom feelings. Which means that because your brother was the first (maybe only?) person you had sex with, your brain has normalized things that wouldn’t normally be normalized and tricked your brain into thinking this is love because you don’t know anything else. Think Stockholm syndrome. I would definitely NOT suggest to try and get into a relationship with your brother, I would actually suggest you stop sex with him to try and focus on other people that could provide you with an healthy relationship.
Thx for your reply. I wonder too if it's just because of sexual bond, which might be why sometimes the feeling is different. Or maybe a double whammy of the emotional bond from sex and him being my brother. I know it's unrealistic but right now it would be perfect for him to feel the same way and we live happily ever after. But I know that's not realistic and I 99.9% expect him to not feel the same way.
Thx for your comments. I 99.9% expect him not to feel the same way and realize that most likely he will eventually find someone and move on with his life. But I know that we will remain close and as long as he wants to continue what we have I will too.
It could be the emotional bond as you say. I know some people have a special attraction for the person they lost their virginity so and this could be it. I just don't know since the feeling isn't constant. I think we both have healthy relationships with others. I play sports and have friends that I hang out with and do things with. He plays sports and has his friends as well. We both have sex with others besides just each other. I don't feel the same way about them as I do him.
Are you in the US? Is incest illegal where you are? This is quite the tricky situation you're in, and it's equally tricky for us who might offer some advice... If he weren’t your brother (I’m assuming by blood?), I'm sure the consensus would be for you to be honest with him, tell him how you feel, and hope for the best. But having a sexual relationship with a relative, much less a close relative like a brother, is socially and genetically problematic, to say the least. Fortunately, two men can't conceive, so there's no need to worry about the congenital birth defects that can result from inbreeding. However, there's a good chance that you live in a culture where a romantic relationship with your brother wouldn't be accepted and could very well be condemned. You may even face legal repercussions, again, depending on where you are. You said your romantic feelings for him wax and wane... Are your feelings stronger during and/or following a sexual encounter? Or does it seem to be random with no rhyme or reason to the strength of your feelings at any given time? I'd also be interested to know your thoughts on another question: Do you think you'd have these romantic feelings for your brother if you had never entered into a sexual relationship with him? I'm not here to judge you (or anyone else) because I don't know your life or your experiences. I also think you're very brave for opening up about this, and I think we should reward that honesty by offering advice that's free from prejudice and persecution. Having said that, I get the impression that you're aware of the inherent difficulties you are going to face no matter how this turns out, so I'd like to offer some feedback and assistance if I can.
Thanks for your reply. My feelings come and go and aren't always stronger around sex. There's some part of it that's just better b/c it's him. It's hard to say if I'd feel the same way if there was no.
