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Wife wasn't ready for marriage

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BroRhap14, Jan 16, 2020.

  1. BroRhap14

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    This is a long one. Fair warning.

    My wife and I have known each other and been friends for 3 years, together for 3 in May. We got married May 9th of last year and engaged November of 2018. She was my best friend the whole time and we went on many adventures together (including getting arrested together urban exploring the 3rd day we were dating). In the beginning, she worked full time in a call center and lived with 4-5 other people and 6+ cats and a dog. She was the only one who cleaned and took care of the animals and paid the most bills. She was an adventurer with a heart of gold who had her shit together. I didn't even want to date her to begin with but about a week after she confessed her feelings to me, I decided to give it a shot; "you'll never find another girl like her, ever." I fell for her.

    She ended up moving in with me a bit too fast due to her roommates basically getting them evicted or deciding to move out without telling her in time for her to save up. She doesn't have family aside from a cousin and a deadbeat dad so reluctantly on both sides, we agreed she would move in with me just to get on her feet. She never moved out. We enjoyed each other's company too much.

    Year 1 was magical, year 2 caught a few snags that summer. From the start, she had warned me she has a gypsy soul and has traveled a bit in her youth. (We met at 25 and will be 28 this year). It didn't bother me. She had her life and I had mine and we shared things and it worked perfectly. This summer, she reconnected with a friend of hers who had become consumed in an unhealthy relationship and had just broken free of it and and his 2 brothers and the 4 of them had gotten real close. They are all 3, 5, and 7 years younger than us and all lived at their mom's (and still do) and never had stable jobs (and still don't). I noticed she had started to get snippy with me and one night when we couldn't get to a haunted forest 4 hours away because the credit cards were maxed from bills and dumb stuff, she got really rude with me in front of her friends. I drove them all there and back anyway. She eventually apologized but it still hurt.

    We got better after summer and then I proposed in November when everything felt amazing again, as it should be and was. Until 11 days after we got married.

    We had just moved to a cheaper apartment. The eldest of aforementioned brothers and I moved almost everything ourselves and cleaned the old place where I had lived for almost 5 years. The wife was in the end of her first semester in school, I had just gotten my Master's degree. Lots of life changes to rattle our bones. I had noticed a change in her but thought "well, if it's a big deal, she'll tell me". I never liked to pry with anyone. She did tell me eventually, before an interview for a promotion. She didn't know if she loved me anymore but definitely felt I was a best friend whom she wanted in her life. She just didn't want the relationship. I cried for days. She got very distant, quit her job because bad vibes and people leaving/leadership changes. (Job hopping is a thing for her, btw.). She got really mean with me right around this time and only contacted me for money, most of which she spent on her friends. She always either had 3+ people in our small apartment or was always gone. She has a cat that she agreed to feed, clean up after, etc. as the one rule when she first moved in because I didn't want a cat because of the litter box and the nastiness of her old apartment (even though she had the clean one and did all the cleaning). At this time, she never took care of the cat or our (my) dog, who would spend 13+ hours alone in her cage because my wife wasn't home.

    I had never fallen out of love with her and had attempted suicide the night before Pride by overdosing on opioids. My dog and my best friend saved me. At Pride, I saw her and her friends only in passing and it still haunts my heart to this day. Over time, my wife warmed back up to me. I still checked in on her every day, just to let her know I was safe and to let her know I hoped she was, through all of this. I was preparing to let her go, as she mentioned she was afraid she never got to have her independence, as she was always either taken care of or taking care of others and I understood that. Everyone deserves that experience. I was preparing to get the marriage annulled. Then she slowly started coming back and mentioning dates and saying "I love you" and meaning it. By fall, I had my girl back and we were happy.

    I got a promotion this past November, requiring me to go back on night shift. Good money for us, it was a perfect fit for our school/work schedules. Halfway through December, I started to grow tired again. She was out of school and always gone. And when she was home, so was a friend or two. And nothing got done, even though I asked nicely. I've always done 80% of the chores but it really started to bug me then. She spends her checks on bills and her friends and cigarettes (she likes the "aesthetic" and has taken to chain smoking, apparently, knowing full well I've lost my mom, stepmom, and both grandmothers to COPD from smoking, and I think cigarettes stink and are a turn off). She doesn't even smoke them fully outside now and the whole apartment stinks like them. My dad gets us weed for free which she needs for her fibromyalgia but she smokes it all up in a week because she gives a lot of it to her friends (the somewhat bummy brothers I mentioned before). More often than not, I come home to no less than 3 people passed out on my couch, my dog not having been let out in over 12 hours, a dirty nasty cat box, trash everywhere, and a mountain of dishes. It got to me so badly that I started self harming again. My depression was getting bad because of all this and the existentialism I'd been thinking about. I told my wife finally that I had self harmed and the first thing she asked was "where" I had done it. I showed her. Then she said i needed to be put in 72 hour observation because she can't be around that or she may relapse herself. I get that. But in retrospect, the brothers had each self harmed and she was right there helping them through it. She was otherwise supportive and stayed in the bedroom with me, abandoning her friend in the living room. A week prior to this, I had confessed I was having bad thoughts. She really didn't check up on me in between and hasn't since I confessed self harming.

    Sunday and Monday we had some really good days together, but then Tuesday she tells me the same thing from last summer but not so dismal sounding at first. She doesnt know if she is in love with me, the passion is gone (which I always thought was normal, judging from my myriad of married friends who have been happily hitched for years now) . She was nice enough yesterday morning like none of that happened and then yesterday evening before I went to work and another friend of hers was there, she was short and maybe even a little snippy with me and certain not too loving. Empty I-love-yous and cigarette smoke.

    What should I do? I have recommended therapy to her and couples therapy (she shot that down immediately last summer because she didn't know if she wanted the relationship. Everything was amazing up until the last month. I'm scared and I don't feel like I can talk to her about it without crying or upsetting her (she got mad when I cried when she told me this a few days ago).

    Are her young friends bad influences? Is it me even though she admitted it is a "her" problem? I don't know if I can live without her but I can't live with her either if she's going to have second guesses every 6 months for the rest of our lives. She'll be fucked if I leave. I pay for her everything, including school. I don't want to follow in my Dad's footsteps and be a divorcee. I am almost 30, time's up. I know what she can be and this isn't the woman I fell in love with. In sickness and in health, I was prepared for everything, including hangups and knowing the marriage would never be perfect, but not this. She wasn't ready and now I'm paying for it.

    Anyone who read this whole thing, thank you. And yes I am seeing a therapist.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    That sounds rough and you’re clearly going through a difficult time.

    If there had been some cheating, I could understand the sudden change on day 11 of your marriage, but otherwise, to rarely see each other and have infrequent contact whilst married (i.e. being in a committed relationship) with no clear cause is unusual, immature and indicates big communication problems. To me, it implies that your wife only really wanted a casual relationship and was, as you’ve said, not ready. How long did that go on for? I’m surprised you put up with it - did you try to start a conversation and find out what was going on?

    Reading all you’ve written, I think she might only be staying with you because it’s convenient and comfortable - she has her friends over and goes out as she pleases, you do the cleaning and pay for food, bills, etc. It’s like she’s a teenager and you’re her parent. She’s not willing or able to support you emotionally, which would suggests her feelings towards you are probably not what you would like them to be. It’s not healthy for either of you to keep going on this way. I think you either need to leave (and you’ll probably need to be the one to do it) or have a serious conversation and start making some big changes. It obviously your decision, but I think you need to start prioritising your own well-being.

    And what do you mean by 30 being times up? Lots of people take their lives in new directions after 30 - careers, relationships, etc.
     
  3. Regaen

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    Well, first, 30 is not the end. And to be honest, a lot of women from mid twenties to thirties prefer men in their forties. Excluding certain personality types, women who are ready for marriage and want to settle down would prefer a guy who has his shit together.

    Now, those personality types include the gypsy type. She wants life, adventure, freedom, no responsibilities. She certainly isn't the settling down type of girl and may never be. People like her don't do well in serious relationships, friends with benefits is more their thing. And that's fine. It's a little irresponsible but it's a valid way to live life.

    But it isn't good for you. You seem to want a 'partner' type, someone to share responsibilities with, plan for the future with, maybe kids one day. You need someone to support you and be supported by you. People like her make fun friends, but horrible wives, whereas, people like you try and stick it out. It's not healthy in the long run for either of you. Eventually you'll begin to resent one another.

    I know you don't want to be a divorcee, but without going through that you're never going to progress. Either of you, really. She's going to resent you for trying her down, and eventually, you're going to hate her for ruining the life you could have had. Maturity wise you are leagues ahead of her- it's the equivalent of a thirty year old dating a sixteen years old. You are nowhere near what one another needs right now, however good the relationship was before.

    My advice is to get the divorce, give yourself a bit of time to breathe, and try again.
     
    Delphine likes this.
  4. BroRhap14

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    Hello, thank you for reading and responding. I do find myself in the toughest spot in my life. For about the first year and a half, she was amazing. We still went on all of our adventures and had parties and were really best friends. We could go to a concert one day and stay in the next. The sex was amazing, now nonexistent (mostly my doing; my sex drive is gone. Depression, aches and pains, her current behavior being and having been a massive turnoff). Then she starts hanging with these people all the time and they're over all the time, eating our food and expending our resources.

    I think about leaving every day but then I think about summoning up the courage to talk to her because it needs to be done. I'm afraid she's going to accuse me of being manipulative, though. And that stands my biggest fear. That and paying for a potential divorce.

    And heheh... 30. I know deep down age is only a number but I think the prospect of mortality terrifies me the most.
     
  5. BroRhap14

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    Thank you also for taking time to read and reply. I really needed somewhat of an outsider perspective, someone who knows neither of us. See, I wanted the adventure with her, too. We were supposed to travel everywhere together and go to concerts and visit cities and all this stuff... I want it too. It's just hard for me to do so being the "breadwinner".

    Some days she acts like she is ready to be an adult and help around the house again and do good things for herself like quitting smoking and going to the gym but then her friends come around with a better offer and then she's gone for days, skipping class, and partying. Ugh. I just got out of therapy for this, too.

    Part of me wants to give her one last chance to prove herself. And if she does this again, she's gone. And I will take that time saving up in case I need to find a lawyer.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    @BroRhap14 What makes you think she would accuse you of being manipulative?

    Even if she does, it’s no reason to carry on like this. The current situation doesn’t seem sustainable.
     
  7. Lin1

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    I agree with others that divorce is the way forward.

    This relationship doesn't seem healthy and it does seem like she has fallen out of love and that your mental health is in jeopardy.

    I personally do think the suicidal attempt and self-harm can potentially be perceived as manipulative depending on the intent behind it. Did you try to overdose and did you self-harm to hurt her/force her to change/trigger something in her/because you were angry at her? Or for other reasons? If the partner I was with self-harmed (''because of me'') and told me about it, I would be concerned but I would also be reluctant to give it too much attention because I wouldn't want them to think that it's the way to get my attention/solve issues, I would honestly struggle to deal with it and it would be a massive deal breaker for me and probably would be a breaking point (as it's just not healthy). I say this as someone who used to be deeply depressed and used to self-harm, I now fully realize how it can be(come) manipulative and while I would do my best to provide help for my partner and make sure they are okay, I also know my limitations and I know staying in a relationship where self-harming is a thing and the shadow of suicide is planning above us is not/will never be what I need and something that would be likely to be bring me back down so I would cut if off short.

    That being said, your partner have no respect for you and so I think you need to leave for your own good, she doesn't want the life you want with her and the only thing you can do is accept it and move on rather than waste yet another couple of months or years of your life with someone that won't make you happy.

    ( Also please make alternative arrangement for your dog, it's very unfair on him to be locked into a cage for 13 hours straight and if your wife has shown she isn't going to be responsible for him, please make sure you find appropriate care for him even if it means hiring someone or asking for a favor. I know it's not the point of the thread but deserves mentioning nonetheless.)
     
  8. BroRhap14

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    Thank you. I've already been covertly looking into dog sitters and the like. Part of the reason we got the dog was because she wanted one and I was always hesitant to get another because I have always worked so much. She said she would help take care of her, though, and did for a minute.

    As for the self harm, her behavior was the icing on the cake and I never even told her, especially because I didn't want her to think it was because of her, for that very reason. I did it because I felt trapped and alone and there was this anger and deep deep sadness I haven't felt since I was a teenager. Other than destroying the room, hurting myself was the only way to let it out. I eventually told her about it but didn't make any connection that she even remotely had anything to do with it. The true intent was just to release all of this built up shit that I never thought I would ever feel again for any reason.

    I don't want to leave her but I know I should. Thank you for taking the time to read and offer advice. Means a lot.
     
  9. BroRhap14

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    The one time I have ever even called her out for anything in the past, she accused me of holding things over her head, back that first summer when she got super rude with me when we couldn't afford to take her friends to that haunted place and she wasn't working. I just asked her "hey, since I am working and supporting us right now, I would really appreciate it if you could help around the house a little more" and then she flew off the handle about it.

    I know we should probably get a divorce. That just goes against every value I have ever held about love and marriage. And I love her, I do. This all just hurts so much
     
  10. Regaen

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    Thing is, values have changed. Some people see marriage as, not a cherished partnership, but a way to get out of responsibility... A way of saying that she's going to remain a child, just you're footing the bill instead of her parents. Think about it. You are her parent. That's not a marriage. You believe in the vows and establishment of a marriage, but she does not. She likely never did.

    Unfortunately when I was in high school I met a lot of girls like her. One girl got kicked out of her parents place, and just drifted from bf to bf until she landed someone who really, truly loved the person she was pretending to be. They married and he's still miserable, trying to make it work for their kids when she goes out partying all night. She doesn't see him as a husband, but a roof, food and a cell phone.

    It seems like your girl is similar. Maybe she didn't have bad intentions to start with, I don't know her, but she's clearly immature. So I guess what I'm asking is this- did you go into the marriage in good faith? Did you honestly love and want to devote your life to the woman you believed her to be? Because if you did, then getting a divorce now is not going against your values. She is not that person. You are not on the same level. What you meant and what she meant are different, and if that's the case you can hardly expect one person to carry the entire relationship.