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Questioning

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rupert30, Oct 18, 2019.

  1. Nickw

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    Hi. I wonder if some of this is anxiety driving this. Or, may OCD? Have you ever seen a Psychiatrist and discussed your addictive behavior and repeating thoughts? The repeating fantasy of a woman giving head may be a defaulting image you use to avoid other thoughts or fantasies?

    Definitely worth see a therapist.
     
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  2. Rupert30

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    I have, although I lack the discipline to really do some of the work consistently. I am on prozac which has helped a little. I do know I have anxiety and ocd it's hard to separate sometimes. Like I feel like I can "cure" myself of all my mental problems, including addiction, if I figure this out. I thought maybe the repeating fantasy of that was avoiding, or somehow sidestepping a truly gay fantasy but I'm now worried even more because I can't get off to gay porn or any porn that's not focused on the woman - does this mean I'm trans? I am not going to start drinking again yet, not until I have my head on straight, I know at least I should do that all though it is extremely tempting to just say screw it all and go back, like perhaps that is what I need to do to figure this out. I dunno I'm truly at a loss as to what to do. I hear the advice like go to LGBT groups and stuff but I know deep down that's not going to help this, I have to somehow mentally break out of the cycle I'm in. that's why I want actions, and believe me I will try the group thing, but I wish it were as simple as just "coming out" or something like that. Because I would do that in a heartbeat and already have but it doesn't help.
     
  3. Nickw

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    OK. I'm no mental health professional. But, this anxiety and obsession with porn sounds to me like something that could be a symptom of your OCD. It might not be related to your sexuality questions.

    As embarrassing as this might be, I would discuss this repeating image with a therapist to see if it IS a symptom. Managing the OCD may be the first step. Not trying to figure out your sexuality issues. That will follow when the anxiety and obsessive thoughts are under control.

    Don't turn to alcohol. This would be a really bad idea as you have expressed.
     
  4. Rupert30

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    I appreciate the thought but I no longer see my OCD therapist and I couldn't really afford them anyway - I can't really afford any therapist right now even though I've been seeing a gender and sexuality therapist for a bit, but I don't know if I can continue. I just want peace regardless of whether it is attached to my sexuality or not - I feel incapable of accepting being gay if I am gay, or accepting being bi even, bi feels more nebulous so it's not difficult to identify as that but it also feels so wishy washy, I have said I was bi for years and never did anything with a member of the same sex because it scared me, the idea I could be gay scares me as well, and trans, unreasonably so, I feel like gay is just something you are or you aren't. And all I can think is that I must be having just an impossible time accepting it, because at least if that's the case there is an end point to all of this - there is the idea that once I accept it this uncomfortable feeling in my chest will go away. I'm so fucking sick of it I cannot get across how torturous this has been. I know I haven't experienced it but I feel like being on the down low or "in the closet" would be a whole lot easier, because then at least the thoughts don't bother you or make you anxious 24/7 and prevent you from building intimate relationships with people, like my own brain is against me, my work has suffered, my health has suffered... Maybe I'm one of those people who will just never get it. Who is incapable of being honest with themselves as they say. I don't get why this is so hard for me.
     
  5. Nickw

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    There are community mental health centers where you can get low cost treatment. In my State, which is one of the worst, care is still available even if it is a bit of a wait sometimes. I encourage you to look into this treatment and not give up. I know you can be helped since my wife was a specialist in treating depression and OCD at one of these centers for a couple decades.

    when your mental health has improved you will be in a much better place to understanding your sexuality.
     
  6. Rupert30

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    Just feels like my mental health is never going to improve, even with help, I dunno, like I've been trying for two years now to get it under control and nothing, no therapy no nothing has helped for any real stretch of time so I'm losing hope. Maybe it's because I'm stuck on this belief that the sexuality situation will clear everything up if I figure it out, but then maybe that's not how it works. Maybe I have to try harder, which is also difficult because I'm depressed. I hate my brain truly.
     
  7. Rupert30

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    I'm gonna keep responding to this because I have other things/subjects I want to say but want to avoid taking over this forum and manically posting every thought I have. But I was reading stuff on here about guys who used to enjoy sex with women and then stopped - I have had that happen to me with long term gf's, however I'm still interested in other women outside of the relationship, and once I have a break I usually am back into the girl I'm seeing more. What I have trouble with is an old woman who wasn't attractive and (this is gonna sound very asshole-ish) saggy, I know the qualities I find attractive in women are usually attached to younger more tight and voluptuous - I dunno I just have trouble imagining having sex with the same woman for the rest of my life. Is this an indication that I am gay? Does anyone know of some sort of legitimate test you can do to determine your sexuality? I feel like that would actually be really helpful if it exists in some form, because sorting it out within my own mind is clearly a losing battle. One day I KNOW I must be gay, other days the opposite, most days just unsure. I put a reminder in my phone to tell me I'm gay every day for a month but it has done nothing for my anxiety, or in accepting. Truly at my wits end. Just want to enjoy the one life I have, but I can't seem to manage to possibly because I'm slightly insane.
     
  8. out2019

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    Um no it means you're sexually attracted to women who look more fertile, which is pretty natural for (heterosexual) men.
    That's different from the above, if you're talking about the experiences of men here who have started to realize they were gay, for many, once they 'allowed' themselves to fantasize or actually have sex wit men they realized it was where they found true sexual pleasure and sex with women couldn't compare...

    Maybe just focus on a. trying to relax - mediation and stuff- and just accepting feelings as they come?
     
  9. Rupert30

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    another thing I thought of - and yes I will take the advice to do meditation more - I'm not super romantic. Like I'm barely romantic at all I feel like. I feel like I'm reading all these stories about guys who are in these deep romantic relationships with their boyfriends, and talking about these deep feelings that sound almost story-book like and I don't know if I've ever experienced that fully and that makes me wonder what is wrong with me and if I can reach that place by accepting/being gay. With girls I normally only long after them intensely when I can't have them in some way, when I get them I struggle to remain appreciative of them, I can feel an intense crush and maintain this feeling when I'm with someone and it's forbidden in some way, like we're secretive about it, but lately, especially without drinking and stuff I find my brain is always going and I rarely get crushes in the way I used to - it makes me wonder also if perhaps my feelings of friendship for my friends are somehow romantic because oftentimes I'd rather hang out with my male friends, at the same time those relationships don't feel as deep as when I'm truly in an intimate relationship with a woman. I've tried to masturbate to thoughts of my friends though and I just can't do it, it's just too weird to think of them that way. I also have always had "best friends" who I have been really close with, almost like brothers, is that because I secretly want to be in a relationship with these guys but the only way I can is by being their "friends", most guys I know don't have that close of relationships with other men I feel like. Although the thought of actually having to have sex or something, or even a threesome with them, I can't go there it's too weird. I'm sorry for unloading but I am just trying to figure out if these are normal experiences that a gay male coming to terms with his sexuality has. I've done quite a bit of reading on coming out stories and coming to terms with ones sexuality but inevitably I start to not relate at a certain point. I don't get it, too confusing for one man to sort through and figure out.
     
  10. Chip

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    What you are describing are thoughts on the obsessive spectrum. The issue you're going to have is that you aren't really going to be able to get a clear answer to your questions until you are able to quiet the obsessive and intrusive thoughts. And, of course, the thoughts aren't in your conscious control, so you can't just turn them off. This is something that requires therapy, and in some cases, medication.

    Without managing the OCD, you can't reasonably expect to get a clear answer on the sexuality issue. You might start with Jeffrey Schwartz' wonderful book "Brain Lock", based on decades of clinical experience and research with OCD. And as others have suggested, just because you didn't have good success with one therapist... therapy is a very individual experience and often it takes a few tries before finding one who will be effective in helping you.
     
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  11. Rupert30

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    Thank you for the response. I have never read that book I will buy it now. Only issue with therapy is the price really, very difficult to manage the thoughts on my own though I will admit.
     
  12. Chip

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    Have you explored what sliding scale or free resources might be available in your area? Often LGBT centers have resources for low cost therapy, and most universities have counseling centers with therapists-in-training, supervised by licensed therapists. It isn't always the easiest to find, but if you look around, there are nearly always resources.
     
  13. Rupert30

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    I've been going to the cheapest I could find at $85 a session. But it's too much. I'll have to look deeper into it, as they said I should be coming twice a week due to my anxiety. I really need something that is free - but am worried that won't be quality care, especially when I have multiple mental health issues. But I recently got new insurance so I'm gonna look back into it.
     
  14. HSBM

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    Rupert, are you in your 30s - 40s? Never read such a story that was close in detail to mine. Take a bit of solace in knowing that. Thank you for laying it all out there. I laughed out loud at some of the similarities. Sorry mate, this isn’t supportive as posts before me but I am going to go ahead and read brainlock. Regarding alcohol and pot - I get how you feel the loosening up gives you a less stressful perspective but I’ve always found the sobering up and return to same pattern thinking too painful to be worth the temporary escape. There is a field of light out there, Which might resemble what you experience now but without the chest pain and anxiety. You’re not going to go to a state of resolve but rather just an organic state where you just *stop thinking* and act on what’s in front of you. Authentically. Sounds cryptic but it ain’t. Keep posting friend, you’re helping me!
     
  15. Chip

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    Check local universities that have psychology or clinical social work programs. You might be seeing a student, but some students are outstanding, and there are quite a few folks who enter masters programs later in life, with a lot of lived experience, and can pretty quickly apply the clinical knowledge they gain. So don't assume that cost equals quality; that is definitely not true of therapists, as there are a lot of really terrible ones who charge $200/hour, and a lot of amazing ones who are $75 (or free, if they are students or interns).

    The key if you go the student route will be discussing the specific needs you have and getting whomever places clients to place you with someone equipped with the skills you need. And that isn't as hard as you might think.
     
  16. Rupert30

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    Thanks man, glad to know that I'm not alone. I'm in my early 30's.
     
  17. Rupert30

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    Yeah I basically ran out of money confusing quality with price for mental health professionals. I wouldn't mind seeing a student honestly, they have everything fresh in their head and its probably better than nothing. I'm in NYC, I wonder if any of the colleges have a free program.
     
  18. Chip

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    I would be surprised if you can't, with some effort, find someone who is free or very cheap. One of my friends (now finishing his PhD in social work) saw a student therapist for several years at no cost when he was a broke community college student. The student therapist turned out to be excellent, and of course, she was workign under supervision, so she constantly got the input from a more senior therapist as well.

    One approach is to find out who runs the internship program for a given school, talk to them, and ask if they have any recent grads who are getting their post-graduation supervised hours. Many folks in this phase see clients for free or very cheap. And the schools almost always have student clinics that are free or again very cheap, where you're seeing students finishing up their intern hours before graduating.

    One of my biggest frustrations in the field is how many really terrible therapists there are out there... I've come to see, just from some of the stories people have told here on EC and elsewhere online just how bad it really is, and it can be hard, if you don't have a lot of experience, to know the difference between bad and good therapy. So in some ways, the students may actually be better because at least they are theoretically supervised by competent people... though I also had a couple of pretty godawful professors as well. Nice people, likely decent and competent clinicians, terrible teachers.