I'll try to write it short. Background story (afab) 2016-2017: I came out as bisexual, then questioned my gender. 2017: I came out as non-binary, changed my gender expression to more and more masculine. 2017-2018: I came out as a transguy, for now. Even to my parents, who... don't believe me. Changed names and pronouns with friends in public, but not at work / with university professors. Now: 2019: I have worked for a year kinda closeted. My (sub)boss knows I'm transgender, but I didn't have the guts to ask for a pronouns change because... I don't wanna upset the "clients". It's a public/social service, so it's a delicate environment of sort. I grew my hair to chin length because, anyway, guys with long hair exist. -- 2020 I've been looking for a second part time job in the while. And guess what, the more I was closeted (dressed less masculine, had subtle make up to cover self-injury scars), the more I was hired or considered. I found out that actually I like to have some makeup on. It's aesthetically pleasant. People misgender me all the time in any case >.< except close friends. So this evening I'm wearing a lipstick of "free will" for the first time in years. ...it looks good but it feels bad. I feel my heart sinking, you know. Deep sadness and anxiety. I asked to myself: "am I myself?" I answered yes, but only as long as others don't assume I'm a woman. Which is impossible, in 2020, with an afab body and... a lipstick. A black emo lipstick, but still. I don't know what to do. Give up? Remove a mask just to put up another?
Whatever makes you feel good honestly. It depends if the reason you’re feeling bad is because of how others view you or how you view yourself internally. Cis guys can totally like/love wearing make up and can get away with it. they also never seem to question it. Gender expression can change over time but it doesn’t define what you feel on the inside. A man who happens to like lipstick and was female at birth. Are you on T? Maybe that’s why people misgender you? it sucks but going on T obviously makes huge a difference on all levels to how other people see you. :/ I’d recommend watching plenty of YouTube videos. There are loads of vids by Feminine trans guys and tips on how to wear makeup but still look masculine through contouring etc. CallmeLaddie is a great example. I feel your pain but I bet you look pretty cool with the lipstick on. haha
I hope to start gender therapy soon to be on T one day. I'm in "normal" therapy now, and it's ending. I really want the changes that come with T, except... baldness xD In the while... dysphoria. :/ What I meant with misgendering, is that some people I'm out to still misgender me >.< they're too rigid. But I can't be the kind of transvestite-butch that they expect a transguy to be. I can't watch videos right now, but searching pics of CallmeLaddie I found him instead, and he's inspiring, whoever he is: https://images.app.goo.gl/jUkTnZr33jbXoBba7
