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I don't even know

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rupert30, Dec 7, 2019.

  1. Rupert30

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    So, the constant thoughts surrounding my sexuality - sometimes cause me literal physical pain, like in my chest and this deep sinking feeling, actually that happens pretty frequently. I am wondering if these physical symptoms are a result from not having physical intimacy with another man sexually, and if I have to do that to relieve it. Or if it's just a result of not having had physical intimacy in a very long time just in general. I question if, once I'm on the other side of this (hopefully), I will say "oh I always knew I was gay", do I know I am gay? And am I just that afraid of it? Why? This is the problem I am happy to be gay now, I'm sick of this in between place, I just want to be gay and be comfortable with that at least enough to be able to like hook up with guys without forcing myself to or it freaking me out. I am at a place where I am concerned I have done such a number on my brain throughout the years that this is an impossible task for me to face, I have to unlearn my attraction to women and somehow put men in the category I see women in currently, I have to find a way to WANT to hook up with guys. And if I'm not gay - A. Why am I even worried about it then and B. Why can I not accept being straight. I am so confused it is like I am living on another plane than all other human beings, like I am honestly somehow experiencing life on a lower level, to a lesser degree. I am never happy, I struggle to stay present, like my perception of life is all fucked up possibly. Sort of like when people used to say we could all be seeing different colors but calling them the same name due to our individual perceptions of reality - I have found myself in a reality I can't seem to break out of. I feel truly alone and different from every major group of people be it gender, sexuality, or something else.
     
  2. NotTooLoud

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    Hi Rupert30,
    It will be okay. And you will be okay. Maybe you're not gay, maybe you're bi. That's okay, too. I keep thinking I might be bi, too. I came out to my wife in about August and I move out in February. She did not want me to leave, but I left anyway. I was sure I was gay because I have been attracted to men since I was in 9th grade, maybe before that, even, but my first real memory of it is 9th. Anyway, I always knew this, but since coming out, I find that some subs really want, and even expect, anal intercourse. And I'm just not into that yet, and not sure I ever will be. Maybe I will, when I feel more comfortable about everything and with a guy I really like, IDK. Anyway, I'm not really attracted to women, exactly, but I do still like having sex with women. So, I don't really get it myself either. And it doesn't matter. You don't have to be one thing or another; sexuality is a spectrum. Let yourself go and be free to explore. You'll find out what you like and what you want, and maybe what gender you want, or if it doesn't matter as much as the way you feel about the person.
     
    #2 NotTooLoud, Dec 8, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2019
  3. Rupert30

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    I have tried to let myself go and be free and explore. But I don't know how to get to that point. I have forced myself to watch gay porn and hook up with guys three times in an effort to make myself more comfortable. It doesn't work. I don't know what the hell I am supposed to do here. It's like I have to rewire my brain completely somehow, and I am trying to do that. Every waking moment, every dream I have circles around this subject and has for the past two years. It's frightening and I am completely miserable as a result. I just want this to end. If that means going gay I am down to go gay. I can't seem to fully get there though. I can't seem to allow and enjoy the thoughts of gay things they freak me out. And I can't stop tripping in my mind, I am literally in my sleep being trying to test out being gay and seeing if I am enjoying being gay more than being straight. I need serious help. Possibly a psych ward.
     
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  4. Chip

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    For the 10000000th time...

    Are you getting treatment for the anxiety/OCD symptoms you are having?

    Nothing. Else. Is. Going. To. Help. Or. Be. Effective. Until. You. Get. Help. For. The. OCD.

    The symptoms are from anxiety, not from lack of sex. It has nothing to do with lack of intimacy.

    Please get the mental health help you need.
     
  5. Jeff2

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    This is how I feel as well. I have these all consuming urges that aren't exactly pleasant and I think it's due to my suppressed homosexuality.
     
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  6. LuieJames

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    @Chip

    But if the anxiety is related to sexuality or the fear/thought of being gay, isn't medication/therapy just a bandaid then that hides and suppresses the real issue?
    Isn't it a means to go back to "being straight"?

    My dad wanted me to go on meditation but I am reluctant because to me that feels like taking antidepressiva if you're in an abusive relationship-> it's not gonna solve the underlying issue, just letting you pretend everything is okay for a bit longer
    When the actual solution would be to just GET OUT (of the closet in this context here), and then the anxiety etc would stop naturally? Isn't that what has happened to a lot of people when they finally came out to themselves, anxiety etc stopped and vanished?
     
  7. brainwashed

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    Had to look up what OCD is. Here's the definition from the internet:
    Obsessive-compulsive disorder: A psychiatric disorder characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, such as cleaning, checking, counting, or hoarding. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), one of the anxiety disorders, is a potentially disabling condition that can persist throughout a person's life. The individual who suffers from OCD becomes trapped in a pattern of repetitive thoughts and behaviors that are senseless and distressing but extremely difficult to overcome. OCD occurs in a spectrum from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school, or even in the home.

    Continue reading via link below.

    Link: https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=4610
     
  8. Chip

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    There's a huge difference between anxiety and OCD-spectrum disorders. Without going into a lot of the detail behind the biochemistry of each, anxiety is generalized; it's a feeling of unrest, but it does not have obsessive and intrusive thoughts as a feature. When those are present, no amount of understanding of one's situation is going to relieve the discomfort, because it is the disorder causing the discomfort and the inability to make sense of the situation. It is literally impossible to not think or behave rationally because the disorder is driving the thoughts and behaviors.

    For example, a person with OCD where a focus is on flipping light switches off and on cannot just turn a light switch on or off; they have to do so dozens, sometimes hundreds of times. They at some level know this is irrational and serves no purpose, but they are powerless to stop the behavior. Where the OCD-like symptoms are focused on one's sexual orientation, which is clearly the case with the OP, based on his previous posts, "coming out" isn't going to solve the problem, because the obsession is on the irrational fear, not on the question itself. The OP's previous posts make it pretty clear that there are zero indicators he actually has any real same-sex attraction, yet someone telling him that, or his obsessively testing various scenarios does absolutely nothing to make him feel better. Even accepting (falsely) that one is same-sex attracted would in no way relieve the desire to constantly test the behavior.

    And that's why it's completely pointless to try to answer the question until the OCD is under control.

    I can't really answer that effectively without understanding more about the situation. If you want to start a new thread and tag me in it, I can address it there. What would be helpful is to understand whether you know you are same-sex attracted and simply aren't ready to tell others about it, or whether you're questioning it, and if you are questioning it, what makes you think you are, and what leads you to believe you may not be.
     
  9. Rupert30

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    Getting the ocd under control is not easy and it costs money, I was told I should go to an inpatient or intensive outpatient center but I can't afford that right now. And ocd therapists are expensive as well so I can't do that, I did it for awhile and it did not work, I was told because it was too infrequent and not intense enough. I just want to reach peace within my head, at this point I'd honestly be just fine to be a normal gay man. At least then it is settled and there is an endgame - this is unbearable. It's affected my sex life, because after I'm always tripping out that if I have feelings for the girl and end up being gay I'm betraying her or am going to lose her. I understand I need help. And I understand nothing anybody says or does can help me, so far nothing I say or do has helped either. I am also starting to get scared I may be transgender or something too. God I wish I could get high or drink or something just to make my mind stop doing this to me. It's like how many actions must I take? I have been to a sex and gender therapist - unhelpful. I quit whacking off for 30 days because the day or two after I whack off I have an overwhelming desire to watch porn and or see a hooker (I know that's bad but I don't get the guilt with hookers for some reason, I probably should), everything is NOT OKAY, I am in a deep state of limbo and have been for two years. I do not care to bandaid over anything I don't even see why being gay would be bad for me, it actually might be good in some ways but I have trouble looking at men in a certain light. On ###### I set myself to men and women, men match me a lot more, I get guys that are way better looking than I am on there, but after I match I just don't feel like forcing myself to go through the motions and have to hook up with a guy again, I don't know what the block is but I can't live the rest of my life like this and it only goes away usually if I have a long term gf and I don't want to do that either because the last relationship I was in almost made me lose my mind (not that I'm doing any better now) and now I feel old and ugly. I'm getting off track. Some times I think if I did a test, like a penile pelthysmograph test with images and videos and stuff and I could conclusively determine my sexuality that way it'd be over, but I'd probably find a way to invalidate that as well. I keep reminding myself that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I think I gave myself brain damage from a bad fall I had (I did get hemorraging) and from using too many drugs as a kid and now I'm broken, unable to feel happiness like I should and there is no way out. At points I have fully accepted the possibility that I am gay and it brings major relief for a second but then I see an attractive girl and I start to trip out again. Like what? Shouldn't I be able to just enjoy whatever I want to enjoy, I know I don't have to be one side or another I just can't seem to find a way to get myself to look at men a certain way. I have also noticed I have a tendency to cross my legs, right leg over left leg, when I am sitting, and I often hold my pinky out instinctively while drinking - I have seen that most straight guys I know cross their left leg over their right, I know that's not hard science but I have always thought about that.
     
  10. Chip

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    It is almost certain that there are some resources available to help you, though you may have to look for them. If you have health insurance, Federal law requires that it provide parity for mental health services along with physical health services. If you don't have health insurance, you should be eligible for low- or no-cost mental health services through city or county provided mental health care. You may have to get on a waiting list, but the care should be available. There are also community support resources (self-help groups, group counseling, and the like.)

    And there's the book Brain Lock which includes a lot of detailed self-help strategies.

    What you are having difficulty understanding is that as long as you have the OCD, and it goes untreated and unresolved, what you are seeking -- 'peace within your head" and "a settled end game" is simply not possible. The problem you're dealing with is not an uncertainty about your sexual orientation, it is a mental health condition that desperately needs treatment.

    For what it's worth, it's unlikely the fall or hemorrhage created the OCD; from what we know, it appears to be at least in part an imbalance in neurotransmitters, brought on by issues with the development of those pathways that happened early in childhood. It is treated with a combination of CBT/DBT and (likely in your case) medication, at least in the short term.

    But you seem more interested in answering an unanswerable question -- for the umpteenth time, nothing you describe would point toward a genuine attraction toward men -- and you appear more concerned with continuing to put all your energy into obsessing instead of into actually seeking out the help that could permanently solve your problem. As long as that's the case, there really isn't much else we can offer here at EC, and continuing to post the same comments aren't going to be helpful, nor will they get you anywhere.

    I really hope you'll take the opportunity to get the help you need.
     
  11. Regaen

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    I agree, therapy is your best bet. Your obsessive thinking will prevent you from finding out the truth about yourself, and the lack of that knowledge will feed the anxiety in a never ending loop. I don't know if it's the same as 'true' ocd, but I know from experience a person can obsess until it becomes impossible not to obsess without outside help. My sister had a similar condition. With therapy -talk therapy and meds, not just meds- she was able to get over that.

    As far as your sexuality, why put a label on yourself right now? Obviously your mental health is more important than anything else. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, you'll never have a fulfilling life with those thoughts in your head. I'm no therapist, but maybe by making the decision to take labelling and the stress of sex and relationships out of the equation for a bit, you can slow them down long enough to give therapy a good shot.
     
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  12. Rupert30

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    Ok I understand. I had obsessive thoughts since I was 9 or 10 so before the brain thing but I thought maybe it made me unable to experience happiness like I should be able to, like a euphoria. It just feels, in the moment, like I'm posting something new when I post on here, or I have an idea and I have to get it down.

    I will read brain lock, I bought it I just haven't been able to bring myself to actually read it. But I will do it and I guess seek out whatever resources there are for people with medicaid (which is what I am on). And if that doesn't work I will check myself into the psych ward.
     
  13. Chip

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    I'm glad to hear it. IF you've had this going on for 20 years... that's about 20 years too long. I hope you get some help from the book, and I'd also strongly encourage you to seek out professional help. Especially if this has been happening for decades, it's going to be hard to do all by yourself without professional help.

    We're here to help with the OCD. But put your focus on working on that, not on your sexual orientation. I promise that if you make a commitment to getting real treatment, your quality of life will improve immeasurably.
     
  14. Rupert30

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    Ok thank you.
     
  15. justaguyinsf

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    For what it's worth ... I have struggled with OCD, especially when there's something really troubling going on in my life, such as being worried about my daughter. During those times my ability to work and function is really affected by constantly intruding thoughts of worry and blame. I have found taking Zoloft to be incredibly helpful even without any psychotherapy. For me it just lifts a weight off of my ... stops the intrusive thoughts and obsessions effectively ... makes me much more relaxed. I have gone off it before because taking it for more than a year or so leads to emotional numbness and a bit of weight gain, and ususally the outside circumstances have gotten better so I'm able to come off of it. I taper off very slowly (over a period of months) to avoid the uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms. To me it's been a life-saver.
     
  16. Rupert30

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    Zoloft and Celexa have kind of helped in the past but no drug has really effectively stopped the thoughts and obsessions effectively ever. I'm on prozac right now and it is also kind of helping (along with gabapentin and buspirone). I've been a little better these past couple weeks for some reason but I still feel like there is some level of happiness or reality I am unable to reach mentally, some peace within myself that I can't seem to attain. I just wish I knew a way to get there.
     
  17. Chip

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    Do you have a good psychiatrist, or are you being managed by a GP or psych RNP? This is one of those places where having a psychiatrist with extensive experience with OCD can be a lifesaver. It often takes many different attempts and dosage tweaks to find the perfect combination that works... but once you do, your entire life can change near immediately. It's worth it to keep trying.
     
  18. Rupert30

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    I found a psychiatrist recently who is very good. Unfortunately I can't see her as often as I'd like as I have to pay out of pocket but she is the best psychiatrist I've ever had. The drugs I am currently on have helped it has taken a while to get to a certain mix and I still think there's a little ways to go - I've been trying to avoid certain ssri's I've taken in the past that caused difficulty in me reaching orgasm or others make me gain weight rapidly so it's been difficult. I still haven't been doing the therapeutic work I should be doing as far as CBT and radical acceptance/mindfulness/reading. I don't know why I avoid it so much. I think I'm making some progress though I just have to do the work more diligently. I wish the right cocktail of drugs would just fix this but so far that seems unlikely to happen.
     
  19. Rupert30

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    It's especially difficult because I have co-occuring mental disorders, including PTSD and they believe some variation of bipolar disorder - even though I was initially diagnosed with major depression. It's a shit show. I wouldn't wish mental illness on anybody. I'm highly functional considering I guess.
     
  20. Chip

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    You might want to get a copy of Gabor Maté's book "The Body Says No". There's some pretty good evidence that depression, bipolar, ADHD, and many other disorders have some or all of their origin in early childhood stress, trauma, or bonding deficiencies with caregiving parent. Understanding things through this lens can be enormously helpful in making it easier to do the therapeutic work.
     
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