1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thank you, EC, 'coz I'm finally out!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Jan 1, 2020.

  1. JToivonen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2019
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yeah, that's right!

    Honestly it's hard to believe...but yes, I'm out!!! And I couldn't be happier!

    It feels like a ton fell off my shoulders!

    Yes, the separation/divorce process was difficult and painful. And I know I still have guilt issues which I'll have to deal with together with my therapist. And it's suuuuuuuuuper hard being geographically distant from my daughter. And my parents are not accepting my divorce and my coming out well.

    But me and my ex love each other! So we'll remain friends. And I video call her every day, so I can be present in her life even if I'm not physically close. My old friends all accepted and embraced me! We're hanging out all the time now!

    And I made new gay friends! There's this very close friend of mine, who I thought were straight...hahaha. When I came out to him he decided to come out to me as well! How cool is that? So he introduced me to his gay friends.

    Also I found an inclusive church in my city, so I'm going there now. And, guess what? I made new friends! I spent the last night with them, I felt so, so welcomed!

    And I got in touch with the first guy I've ever been with. I never forgot him, to be honest. He was the one who made me realise that there was nothing wrong in being gay. And we connected in a very profound level. We spent some months not talking to each other, but I never forgot him. Well, I decided to reach him again. We talked, became friends again, got closer, talking all the time, then we met...and now we're dating! Yes, he's my boyfriend! How crazy is that?

    Seriously, it feels like a dream! I can't believe I'm the same person who got here some months ago desperate for help, not knowing what to do, feeling trapped and lost.

    For those who may be feeling that way: yes, there's always a way out! You don't have to live a miserable life. Yes, it's gonna be tough, there will be crying and pain and questioning....but in the end there's victory and joy! That's exactly what I'm living now!!!!!

    Who could have predicted that a few months ago?

    I suuuuuuuuuper happy! I'm truly gay then, hahahaha!

    I want to thank you, my EC family!! You heard me, supported me, let me vent, gave me advice, told me to stay strong, assured me thing would get better...and you were right, things DID got better, so much better! I owe you guys, big time!

    I love you all so very much! May we all have an excellent 2020!!!!!
     
    mnguy, Landgirl, KJmusical and 19 others like this.
  2. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Wow. Thank YOU, @JToivonen ! Your story is inspiring. You may still feel ups and downs since that's totally normal, but you sure seem to have gotten onto the right path. A big part of your success, I think, is that you've connected with a community that truly supports you.
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  3. JToivonen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2019
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Exactly! You guys helped me beyond description! I am so grateful! So many times the EC family supported me, gave me good advice and told me to stay strong because everything would be fine...and here I am!!

    I just can't thank you enough!
     
    Dionysios likes this.
  4. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations! Wow, it sounds like things all came together in the right way, and really quickly, too! I wish you all the best. It's often much less painful than we think, and then all of a sudden the tough part is over and life is changed. And how wonderful that your ex is supportive. Mine has good days and bad, but she is part of my family and my history, and I'm glad i still have her.

    Happy 2020!!!!
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  5. CatWho

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2019
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    46
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Congratulations! I love this post. The happiness in your words is very inspiring :slight_smile:
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  6. Fritzcoop

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2019
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Pensacola, FL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm so dang proud of you JT! You inspire me so much! It's going to be an awesome year!
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  7. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    These are great news! I'm really happy for you! :slight_smile:

    There is always light at the end of the tunnel. That doesn't mean there won't be new challenges, but there will also be rewards. You were brave to come out like you did and now you are seeing the positive side of things. Congratulations on your victory!
     
    JToivonen and Fritzcoop like this.
  8. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is such a great story with a happy ending. No doubt there are bound to be other challenges in the future as you continue to grow as a gay man. But you did it! Your out and can now live as you wish. Wishing you a very Happy and very Gay 2020. Enjoy your liberation my friend.
     
    JToivonen and Fritzcoop like this.
  9. cjmiller

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2019
    Messages:
    255
    Likes Received:
    146
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Awesome!!! Stories like you give me the courage to continue down the path of becoming my true self. I know there are going to be hardship but from the way you expressed the joy I know I'm making the right decision.
     
    Joolz66, JToivonen and Fritzcoop like this.
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations, what a great update.
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  11. JToivonen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2019
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    QUICK UPDATE:

    Life's being great so far! I've made some new friends from the inclusive church I'm now going. We all sometimes go out to eat and on Tuesdays we play volleyball. So it's being great to find accepting new people.

    My old friends (I call them "my straight friends", hahaha) have been very welcoming and supportive as well. Being gay for them is really a non-issue. Business as usual.

    My family...my parents are not accepting the fact that I'm gay well. It's funny because even my in-laws are okay with that! I mean, they treat me the way they always did, which is great. But my parents...dad seems to want to control me, but I refuse to. So I'm keeping my distance. Mom seems always sad and somehow cold, which I understand. But I know both of them love me and are really worried. That's okay, I'll give them sometime.

    My boyfriend is WONDERFUL! Really! I'm having the time of my life with him! He's so sweet, fun to be with. And also really hot in bed, I must say, hahaha. I'm also happy to be by his side now since his father is really sick, so I can help him somehow.

    My former wife and I are always talking and we remain friends. I know she still loves me and hopes that "God will heal me"...and I feel bad for her, I truly do. I must say I sometimes feel guilty, because I'm now happy and she's in pain...so I think "I'm not supposed to be happy". But I'm working that on therapy.

    I truly, truly miss my baby daughter! Wow... I miss her so much! I sometimes feel like I'm not part of her life anymore, even with me videochatting with her basically everyday... it's so scary... I don't know how to explain it.

    I still have some downs, though. I still feel I abandoned my family, as if I'd traded them in order to pursue my wishes... so I feel selfish. I truly hurts me the fact that I hurt my ex so much, and that she still loves me. And I'm moving on...which somehow causes more guilt feelings, since I feel like "I'm not supposed to be that happy!". This very fact also makes me afraid of the future, making plans or committing to anything or anyone, because I feel I'll disappoint and hurt someone I deeply love again. I feel like I'm self centered. But hopefully therapy will help me getting rid of that.

    Thanks once again!!! You guys are the best!
     
    Dionysios, Vega222 and Choirboy like this.
  12. Fritzcoop

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2019
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Pensacola, FL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm so glad to hear this from you! You sound like you're in a good place. I understand that you worry about your former wife but it is on her to find her way. You are doing nothing wrong and really working hard to remain part of your family. I'm also happy that you have found love and support. :slight_smile:
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  13. Markieg64

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2017
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Middlesex
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi and congratulations on your coming I am so glad for you .just in your words alone you sound so happy and excited

    Congratulations
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  14. Dionysios

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2018
    Messages:
    662
    Likes Received:
    576
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am so happy for you. It sounds like everything fell into place. Best of luck living your new, authentic life. May it be fulfilling and filled with warmth, love and good fortune.
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  15. Wendyo23

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2019
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kingston Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Congratulations man. That's awesome. I hope we can all find the courage to express who we are this year
     
    Fritzcoop and JToivonen like this.
  16. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm a fairly religious guy, although I've never been one of those people who believes God has some kind of grand plan that he's nudging us to, or forcing us to be part of. But I do believe that if you accept responsibility for your actions, and care about the people around you, and make your life about something more than just what you want, God--or fate, or The Force, or whatever you want to call it--can make the path a little clearer and less painful. Sounds like that is the case for you. Congratulations!
     
    JToivonen and Fritzcoop like this.
  17. ready2bout

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    80
    Location:
    Baltimore
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Congratulations. You sound so happy and are in inspiration for me to take the journey as well.
     
    JToivonen likes this.
  18. JToivonen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2019
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    QUICK UPDATE:

    It's been a while since the last time I came here, so I decided to quickly update your, guys - in case anyone is interested, hahaha.

    There have been some ups and downs since I came out - fortunately more ups than downs. Regarding the not so happy aspect of it all, dealing with my parents has been a challenge. My father is always frowning, either because he's sad or worried - or both. He simply can't overcome the fact that his son is gay. Well...whose problem is that anyway? I decided I don't have to deal with his non-acceptance, so he's not a part of my life right now. Mom's smarter (maybe that's the reason she divorced him some years ago, hahaha) and even though she disaproves "my new lifestyle", she now acts as if nothing is happening which, honestly, is fine by me.

    The worst part is being away from my daughter...that really kills me. Even though I talk to her via videochat, I know it's not the same. It hurts BIG TIME seeing her picture on Instagram knowing that I'm not there and that she's making those memories with everyone else but me. I'm really scared of the fact that, for her, I'm no longer her favorite person in the world, as I'd been until the moment she moved with her mother to the other side of the country.

    The blame of not being able to sustain my marriage and the guilt I feel for knowing that I lured my former wife into a trap also is a very high toll that I don't know how to deal with. She's still very much in love with me and it also kills me. This last Friday she texted me and said she still can't understand how her big dream has turned into a dark and cold nightmare.

    Now to the good things:

    I've moved into a much smaller apartment and I'm living on my own, which is being so great! This place is very close to my work, so most day I simply walk to work. I'll sell my car, but hopefully I'll buy a MUCH cooler one in the end of the year, like a classic sports car from the 80's or the 90's, hahahaha!

    Oh, and my boyfriend! Wow...what can I say about him? He's THE BEST! Cute, tender, smart, sexy, hot, very much into sex, fun to be with, comprehensive, lovely, kindhearted...we have all those long, deep conversation, silly and cute moments together, share a lot of laughters, go to places like the beach or the movies, always trying new restaurants in our town, sometime even holding hands in public...he is really the whole package! Heaven on Earth indeed!
     
  19. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's really good to hear that you've had some solid ups since fully coming out. I'm sorry about the downs; I'm sure in your position, I would suffer with the same feelings of guilt regarding your ex and not being around as much for your daughter. I think like with all things, there's a rough, bumpy transition period that you have to go through in order to really be okay when you come out the other side of it. No doubt this is really hard on your ex as well, considering her ongoing feelings, but I hope with time, she'll be all right. Your guilt is understandable, but in the end, you're not a bad person for finally being able to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. It may hurt her now (and upset your parents), but those who care for you will get through it. It's only been a couple of months, after all, so try to be patient--as much with yourself as them. :slight_smile:

    As for your daughter: Maybe once the dust has settled, it'll be easier for you to play a larger role in her life. Once you're on solid ground financially, maybe start saving up so you can visit her--or have her come visit you for a couple of days/a week etc.

    I hope things continue to improve from here, and congrats on coming all the way out.
     
  20. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's great to hear that things have been going well for you, despite some worries and challenges. Based on what you said before and what you say now, things sound much better than before!

    I think you are correct here. If you are honest with him and he is acting in a negative way, then he needs to work on his views, as you have your own life to worry about. Yes, this may sound harsh, but I don't blame you for wanting to be away from the negativity. Even if he means well (he probably does, especially since you said he is worried), he also needs to learn that prejudice won't get him or you anywhere. In time, he probably will come around.
    Have you considered visiting her as soon as possible? I agree with BiGemini87 that thigns may be easier in time, but I also think you don't need to wait until everything has settled down to see her, even if it takes some effort. Of course, money and time may be real problems that get in the way, but have you checked the possibilities?

    Just remember that, if you go, you should be prepared to handle some emotions between you and your wife, even if your daughter is the focus of the trip.
    Don't be too hard on yourself. If you entered the marriage with ill intentions and knowing you would hurt her, then you would be a complete jerk, sure. But you didn't do that on purpose, and you loved her (even if as a friend or companion, instead of a romantic/sexual love).

    You were the one into a dark and cold nightmare, and now you found the light in the end of the tunnel. It doesn't mean you were the one that threw her into the nightmare in exchange for your happiness, as she was also living a lie (remember that you told us that things weren't going well for her too, as you weren't sexually interested on her, etc.?). Now she is also out of that lie and, yes, it hurts. But it also opens new possibilities for her and, in time, she will be able to explore these new paths and also find her light in the end of her own tunnel.

    Remember that you had a hard time exploring your own thoughts and challenges. As she is straight, it may be harder to her to understand what was going on with you. But in time I believe she will move on. Things are still recent for both of you.
    That's great to hear! You deserve to be happy. :slight_smile: