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Living in Limbo

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cjmiller, Dec 28, 2019.

  1. cjmiller

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    Anyone else feel like they are stuck in limbo?

    I know I'm gay and want to live my life as a gay man but still completely scared as hell to tell my wife. I constantly think about being with a man and have gotten the courage to attend a few gay support groups but when I go home I get sucked back into the straight lifestyle.

    How have others got over this and confronted their fears?
     
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  2. CatWho

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    I know how scary it is to tell someone, as I haven't yet either. You have already gotten the courage to attend support groups. You are moving forward and will build that courage to take the next step.
     
  3. PaintingMeInfinite

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    I completely feel like I'm stuck in limbo! I have confronted my fears and came out to my wife, though I definitely have not gotten over my fear. You are not alone in this journey, even though I'm not on here nearly as often as I like to be it is and has been a great place to talk, to vent, to ask questions and keep reminding myself that it will be okay.
     
  4. cjmiller

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    Thanks for the words of encouragement @PaintingMeInfinite . If you don't mind me asking, how did you tell your wife? How did she react?
     
  5. SevnButton

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    Yes. It feels like I'm pushing uphill, and it's all too easy for the weight to push me back down. I live for the day when I'm over the top of the hill, gleefully rolling down the other side! :slight_smile:

    For me, the biggest help has been to find a few allies, which has meant taking the risk of telling some people. I came out to my sister and that was great, except that we don't talk about it anymore. I came out to a couple who used to live down the street from us, and they (especially she) have been wonderfully supportive. I just need to remember to avoid making the conversation all about me, and be sure to support my allies as well as letting them support me.

    Oh! The greatest thing for me has been to be active here on Empty Closets. So part of the process is to take what I get and give here into the face-to-face world.
     
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  6. Fritzcoop

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    I came out to my wife in October. For me Limbo continues too. I'm ready to leave but she doesn't want to let me go. Its been a rough few months and I appreciate ec so much. I also have a really good friend who is there without judging. I'm also starting counseling this week.
     
  7. cjmiller

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    Good luck with counseling. I've thought about going but not sure how to without my wife discovering.
     
  8. Nickw

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    before I came out to my wife, I told her I needed to get some counseling because I was having some issues. She was happy I was because she could tell something was bothering me even though I thought I knew how to keep my thoughts hidden.

    maybe you can just tell your wife the same sort of thing? I found counseling to be extremely helpful as I went through the process of coming out to my wife.

    I did check ahead of time to be sure the counselor was LGBT friendly. He was on the local LGBT website as a resource.

    Good luck
     
  9. cjmiller

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    Thanks Nick. I appreciate the advice.
     
  10. elandra

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    You are cheating both yourself and your wife out of the chance to experience true love, not to mention all the hearts you break in your hetero lifestyle lifespan, while you and your wife keep each other hostage. Any partner you may or may not be cheating on your wife with, do not deserve that, and are better off without you. Tell your wife, it is not fair to her, that you keep this secret from her, nobody wants to be half loved.
     
  11. elandra

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    Wow, it looks like you are enjoying the cat and mouse game with your wife too much.
     
  12. cjmiller

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    I appreciate the honest advice and I know you are right. It isn't fair to her or myself lying and I know its something I need to confront.
     
  13. Fritzcoop

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    CJ it was hard to talk about it with my wife and the aftermath has been horrific. But, like elandra said... we are cheating our spouses out of an opportunity to find real passion. I know that's true and that's why I don't mind being "the jerk ". Since I have told her I go out 1 weekend a month with my friends and without her. She's accepted that. I'm not fooling around but I believe that is what she suspects. I was hoping these weekends would cause her to lash out and kick me to the curb. Well that's not happening.
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    Hey CJ,

    I'm glad that you have the clarity that you want to live your life as a gay man.

    There are 2 factors to consider in moving forward.
    • Motivation to confront the fear - You will need to push yourself to do things that are scary. How badly do you want to live your life as a gay man? You have a difficult path ahead of you in order to get what you want. The good news is that by embracing the difficult path, your life will become easier in the long-term. Conversely, if you continue on your current path, your life will be more difficult in the long-term. For me the death bed exercise was powerful. Imagine yourself on your death bed and feel the regret of not coming out and living as your authentic self. You need to find compelling motivation that works for you.
    • Knowledge/Support - Once you've find your motivation, you can find the knowledge and support both here at EC as well as the support groups you have visited. You'll want to prepare a script for coming out to your wife and arrange a time when your child(ren) is/are away to have that conversation. Brainstorming possible questions/objections might help your prepare as well. Reviewing the specifics of your situation with a divorce attorney might help put your mind at ease if you concerned about the implications of separation/divorce. As the situation permits, it would be great for you to attend the support groups.
    Feel free to PM me as well.

    Best,
    SF
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Dec 30, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2019
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  15. PaintingMeInfinite

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    I actually had talked to my wife about my sexuality a little before we got married, it wasn't something I was yet prepared to fully accept. About 14 years later when I actually came out to her though I was in the hospital, she reacted very well since apparently she had prepared for the news, she had actually accepted it before I did. It's sort of confusing to me just how supportive she is through all this when I expected the worst.
     
  16. Contented

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    CJ it is easy to fall back into your comfort zone when facing such a difficult and monumental event as coming out to your wife. However doing so is a disservice to both of you. Don’t punish her because of your fear, allow her to find someone who can love her the way you cannot . Allow yourself the gift of sexual authenticity and begin living as the gay man you yen to be. I assure you while giving up the “faux” heterosexual lifestyle is hard , living as an openly gay man is well worth whatever the costs. Even now 3 years into my sexual liberation I still marvel at how wonderful my life is as a gay man is .It was more than worth the costs. You need to take the next step on your journey , life is too short not to.
     
  17. SevnButton

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    "To get something you've never had,
    You have to do something you've never done."

    @cjmiller , I believe that when the time is right, you'll do what you need to do. You're in the process of preparing. Have courage, know that better times are ahead, and keep moving forward one step at a time.
     
  18. Nickw

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    @cjmiller

    Coming out as a bisexual to my wife was the hardest thing I ever did. Coming out gay would be even more difficult I believe.

    But, at some point, you are going to need to do this. I don’t recall how old you are. But, I was old enough (mid fifties) that it was well past time for me to begin living my life more honestly. My health began to suffer and I began to blame my wife. This was not fair. But, in my conversations with other gay/bi men, I’ve come to learn this is pretty common.

    Your wife does deserve to know the real you. I know that you will, quite likely, lose much of your current life. But, I wonder how much of a loss that will be compared to the loss of the life you should have been living? The same goes for your wife. She may be feeling the same and not understanding why.

    Anyway....@sevnbutton ‘s advice to find your way through this process in your own way is good advice. It does take time to work through this.
     
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  19. Jon Sol

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    I just came out to my wife. We have been separated for over a year so that pressure was off, but it didn't make it any easier. The whole argument of what my wife deserves and what is fair to us was redundant. Those, as well many other thoughts were going through my head daily. I did go to counseling. And it helped me out, a lot. Coming out didn't just change/affect my life, but my family's, as well. I had to work my way through the process. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my wife. To make her feel that the last 24 years together was worthless. That it meant nothing. I mean, I have been fighting this since I was in middle school(?).
    I don't regret my life with her. We had a good life together, so far. We had and raised a son together.
    My biggest fear, was not her hating me, but hurting her. When I told her, I broke down. I apologized for deceiving her. She just hugged me and told me she didn't regret any of our life together. That I didn't need to worry about her.
    I am lucky. I know that. My wife and mine's marriage started as friends, went to husband and wife and now back to friends. It's awkward. I won't lie. And I wish I could say that once I came out, there. All done. But, it's a process. A long one. I was "straight" for a loooooong time. Breaking those habits are hard and uncomfortable.
    I wish all who are going and will be going though this nothing but love, understanding and strength. It helps to know you're not alone. You're not some villain that's lying to your family. You're the man, woman, boy, girl that is coming to terms with your feelings. You're thoughts. In the only way "you" can. In the time it takes "you" to do so.
    You have my love and my respect.
     
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  20. cjmiller

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    Thanks, everyone for all the candid advice and I'm sure going to take it and listen to my heart. I'm not quite ready to come out but I know this year will be a big step for me and I will make strides to my ultimate goal.

    Happy New Year all!
     
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