This is my first time on here and expressing any of this so sorry if I ramble a bit. I'm 45 years old and have spent the last few years struggling to figure out my sexuality. I've only dated men my whole life and, with the exception of one man that I was with for all of HS and college, I feel like dating felt forced. About 5 years ago, I stopped trying to force it. If anyone brought dating up to me, I simply said that I wasn't interested. I felt relieved that I didn't allow that pressure to be put on me anymore. Once I let go of feeling like I had to date men, I realized my attraction to women. The more I thought about it, I think I have always been attracted to women. When I was growing up I went to catholic school and did not know any gay people at all, so if I did have feeling towards girls, I probably would have thought it was wrong. I mean, I feel like I was kind of taught that I should like boys. I had feelings towards women (or a woman) in my 20's, but quickly suppressed it. So, here I am, many years later, feeling like I have not been my true self and never quite "fit in". About a year ago, a friend asked me about dating and when I said that I did not want to date, she asked why. I answered that I felt like whenever I dated someone it took a piece of me away. I meant what I said but only recently realized what I really meant. I was giving up a piece of myself to make myself date men, faking it to some extent. Once I was in a relationship (It was very infrequent. Mostly guys I started as friends with and that I knew wouldn't go anywhere), I held onto it even though I knew that I really didn't love them. I just didn't want to have to date again. So, here I am trying to be myself and not care what anyone thinks. I don't know why it's so hard. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with how I feel or who I am. I don't think it should even be a big deal, but yet I'm so scared to take any steps that will put me out there. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell anyone, but then again, since nobody knows I'm afraid to do things that will help me meet other gay people. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist. Holding all this in is making me feel resentful. I know that's not good. Thanks for giving me a place to get some of this out
Hi and welcome. I've lived the past 46 years feeling similar feelings as you. All I can say is it will get better.
Hi Cat and CJ. I don’t know what to say but it is somehow reassuring to know that we are not alone in the similar journey. I can’t help but start crying reading stories like this, but that is healing, too. It’s like finding out I’ve been from a different planet this whole time and only just now able to hear from home. I hope that didn’t sound too cheesy!
Hey welcome to EC, what you are feeling is super common, it can definitely take a while to get used to. It sounds like you have pretty much figured everything out you just need time to get used to your new found truth. EC is a great place for that.
Hi and welcome! I massively empathise with this and think from talking to people that it's a very normal stage. I found it easiest at first to join an LGBT sports club (running in my case) and get used to the idea amongst people who were comfortable and open about it without the more-scary (to me) aspect of potentially changing how people I'm already close to think about me. I think these organisations in general are very sensitive to the fact that people might not be out or fully self-accepting and go out of their way to be welcoming and supportive of new people.
Hi @CatWho - Wow!, that really struck a chord with me! It's true about all sorts of things: If it feels like it takes a piece of us away, we really ought to think about it. I was never very successful at the "dating" thing, and I remember some really awful attempts. There was the time at dinner when some food slipped off my fork and fell to my plate, splattering tomato sauce on my date. I never heard from that person again! It went a lot better for me when it wasn't a "date", but just getting together with someone to do something I liked to do, and hopefully the other person would enjoy it too. With the woman who became my wife, I'd call her up out of the blue and say, "I feel like having a piece of pie, you want to join me?". If we had a good time together, wonderful!, if not then at least I got the piece of pie I wanted.
Thanks...and that didn't sound too cheesy It does help to know others are going through the same stuff.
OMG... Dating can be so hard without any confusion about what you actually want. I've definitely had some bad ones. Honestly though, I think it was the ones that weren't so bad that are the most telling, the ones that I should have wanted to see again, but just didn't. That being said, I agree that it is definitely a lot easier to just do something that you like to do. It takes some of the pressure off.
Hi, Thanks for your reply. It helps to know others have had a similar experience and that it is normal. I have looked at some meetup groups in my area and think that a hiking group or something like that would be a good way to meet people. I agree it will probably be easiest to be among open/accepting people like an LGBT group/club. I am definitely scared of what the people close to me will think. I kind of feel like because they have known me, they won't believe me or try to convince me that I'm wrong about myself. I need to be more confident about who I am before I deal with that.
Hi. I kind of feel like I've figured it out, but then when I think of taking a step towards coming out, I have doubts. I'm pretty sure that's just my fear though. Thanks for the reassurance
No problem. I think for me once I had pretty much figured out I was gay I could imagine it like a set of old fashioned scales, on one side was my desire to tell people about my new found information and on the other was my fear of telling anyone at all. To begin with my fear of telling someone was so much greater than my desire to tell people but over time as I became more comfortable with it my desire grew and my fear shrunk. I wont say it disappeared altogther immediately but it shrunk. I also remember feeling ready but then when I got into a position where I might actually tell someone, all of a sudden there were doubts in my mind again. I think it is like stepping past that point of no return. The internet is a great place to figure things out and get used to the new information and I think the anonymity makes us to begin with feel a whole lot safer. I know when I first joined, I thought at any point if I want to forget all about it I can just never login again or delete my account. Where as if you tell a friend etc, it like its always going to be there and I think that is why when you get close it is a nerve wracking thing. You will know when the time is right though.
I hadn't thought of this before but it is so true. Once you've told somebody who is already integrated with your life it is always going to be 'out there' and you can't just decide it never happened. This actually explains a lot for me in the context of who I am more and less comfortable telling.
Wow... That's a great description of how it feels. I never thought of it that way, but it is so true. I definitely feel like I want people to know the more comfortable I feel. Once it is out there, it is out there though. Yeah, telling people close to me is definitely the scary part.
It is so true. While I haven't actually told anyone yet, I have had a couple of situations where co-workers said something that made me believe that they assumed I was gay. I think I was actually a bit relieved that they may see me for who I am. The comfort in these situations come from the fact that I don't really care what they think. They aren't people that know me well or are close to me.
Absolutely, I told a couple of close friends whilst I was still kind of questioning but after that I found actually telling people I only just met was easier because (at least in my mind) if they reacted badly I hadn't really lost anything because their friendship was at such an early stage whereas my long standing friends had much more riding on them. Even though there is truth in the saying that 'those who matter, don't mind and those that mind, don't matter'. It's terrifying but I promise it gets easier, even though at the beginning it doesn't feel like it ever will. I remember when I first joined EC and in threads people were asking when they should come out etc, people kept replying 'you'll know when you are ready'. I used to read them and think they were crazy, in my mind I'd never be ready. Then one day when I got there, I just knew I was ready. It's a strange thing.
