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High School Friend is Gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Chierro, Dec 28, 2019.

  1. Chierro

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    So, I just accidentally stumbled on finding out one of my good friends from high school is gay (or bi?) and I kind of want to reconnect and talk but no idea how to go about that.

    What happened was I was using an app and a guy I talk to regularly sent me a picture and said "Do you know him?" just because of the age and location of the guy and lo and behold it's a picture of said friend. Now, I had come across this profile months back and had reached out to the guy and he was like "Nah, I was two hours away when that happened" pretty much saying the profile couldn't have been him. Today, I went and checked his social media and found the exact picture and even had the guy confirm "Yeah, he's real, he hooks up a lot."

    I sent the guy a DM because I guess I thought it'd be more normal than texting him after not talking since high school. I pretty much said something along the lines of "Hey, I think someone might be using your pictures because I think I just say you on [insert gay app here]. I wasn't sure if it was actually you or not so I figured I'd give you a heads up just in case." I wanted to keep it casual and not just go immediately into "Hey! So, I hear you're gay and like to hook up a lot!" Note: I'm not looking to hook up with him at all.

    He did view the message and hasn't said anything back. Him and I used to be good friends but after high school graduation we didn't talk anymore. Recently I've considered attempting to reconnect with some old friends I've drifted apart from, but now I'm worried I screwed any chance of reconnecting with him.
     
  2. Lin1

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    Does he know you are gay? If he doesn't know and assume you are straight he might feel very defensive admitting to being anything but straight. It seems like he probably have a lot of internal homophobia still.
     
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  3. Chip

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    I'm with Linning. He might not realize you're gay, might not be fully out. I don't think you necessarily screwed things up, but you could just go back and say "btw, I'm gay, and I know it can be hard if you aren't fully out. Don';t worry, I won't share if you're not open about it".

    That said... think about what you're after. If the guy has a reputation for hooking up, and you're after a hookup, then all is good. But if you're thinking in terms of a relationship, the combination of his being known for hookups and finding him on a hookup app probably doesn't bode well for a committed monogamous relationship.
     
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  4. Broccoli

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    Why do you want to reconnect with him? Are you looking for a friend, a potential hook-up, a potential partner, someone to discuss 'coming out' with...? Make sure you've figured that one out first.

    I agree that if he doesn't know you're gay and hasn't had any contact with you since high school he's probably feeling very unsure about youanywar motives in contacting him - you could be about to 'out' him to a bunch of mutual friends, for example, or tell him that what he's doing is wrong. If you want to get back in contact I think you should message him again to tell him that you were looking to reconnect with old friends, that you're gay and that you thought it was cool that you might have that in common, and 'either way' how is he/what's he up to now/reference to something that reminded you of an old high school memory with him... or something along those lines.
     
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  5. Chierro

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    So, I did make it clear that I'm gay. I wasn't out in high school. I added that in a followup message shortly after the first message, but the app is specifically for gay guys so I assumed it was implied but figured I would make it clear. I also didn't give any pretense of discussing him with another guy on the app or making it known that I know it's actually him, I kept it casual with "Oh, it was a picture from your Insta, I didn't know if it was you or not, so figured I would message you and see."

    That said, he did message me back and deny it. Even though the guy I talk to on the app told me that it was actually him (from experience) and that profile has me blocked even though I had never attempted contact. I didn't press it when he denied and just sort of tried to change the conversation, see how he's been, etc.

    Honestly, the thought of attempting to reconnect with him honestly just had to do with the fact that we actually were good friends in high school. I didn't have a friend group or any super close friends in high school, but there were always some people I enjoyed that after graduation just...I didn't talk to anymore. Freshman year of college I remained friends with one girl until we suddenly stopped talking. Four and a half years after high school graduation and there is only one person I've remained in somewhat regular contact with from high school.

    Now that I'm back living at home, I figured it wouldn't hurt to possibly reconnect with old high school friends that still live in the area--he still lives in the area. My college friends live all across the state now, so potentially reforming bonds with people nearby could be helpful. And him being gay/bi and me being gay would be something to talk about. I have good memories with him from high school, so it was something considered.

    I kind of just now feel bad because I've been told it's him and while I made it clear that I'm gay and I didn't care either way if he was or not, I feel like I may have scared him, especially if he has some internalized homophobia going on. I mean, if he wants to hook up discreetly, I get it, but I don't know...I feel like I crossed a line and just screwed up and wish i could undo it.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Try not to beat up yourself about it. It happened and if anything, it might give you a pause for the next time when reaching out to somebody you might know, who is on an app, and want to get together as a friend.

    At times, time is a good healer. I suspect that he was quite taken aback by your message. As you have sent a follow up message and explained further, maybe he will still reach out to you when he feels ready or comfortable doing so. If he is struggling with his sexual orientation, at least he knows now that there is one person he could potentially speak with or who would understand.
     
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