I'm not out to anyone and I'm pretty bad at hiding off my sexuality and it's even riskier when I realized it now compared to when I thought it would go away someday. and I just know for sure I can't come out to anyone because I live in a very homophobic muslim country full of people who gossip and don't mind their own business, which is why I don't want to make friends with anyone because i know everything just shows in my body language and i'm too stupid to control my reactions. and I can't leave the country soon because I've never worked (yes i'm 21 and spoiled) i live with my parents and i don't have money for immigration or even illegal immigration. i really feel hopeless and I'm trying to somehow change my sexuality by masturbating to girls only and denying my attraction for men.
I'm really sorry about your situation, hope4love. I can't really give you any advice about the situation in your community, or getting work, or leaving to go to a more gay friendly country. But I should tell you something I'm sure you already know - masturbating to girls isn't going to change your sexuality. I'm sorry, but I don't think it works that way. You are going to have to face up to the idea of being gay, and it's probably never going to change. You need to find a way to be ok with that. It's not wrong, it's not your fault, it's ok, and you can lead a happy life as you are. I wish you all the best.
I feel like i have to choose between living alone but true to myself or living with people but being a fake, what if someone notices that I don't look at women the same way everyone does? it's either risking my protection or my authenticity. thanks for all the wishes, I wish you the best too
