Mentally, I'm just exhausted with everything. Getting together with my in-laws is always a source of great frustration for me for a plethora of reasons, but this holiday season introduced me to yet another stumbling block. (I don't want to give the wrong impression, here. My in-laws are usually nice people, and for the most part, I get along with them--but this is by and large because I keep my mouth shut about pretty much everything, which I'll explain a bit better once I've told my story). I don't remember the exact context of the conversation, but at one point, sexuality came up--in which my MIL said something about us both (myself and her) being straight, which led to me letting out a surprised laugh, and my husband, (who has been supportive and trying to help me come out where he can) saying, "Well, actually..." You'd think both those things would make the in-laws be like, "Well, what do you mean?" or at the very least, pause long enough to consider how both our reactions seemed to contradict their impressions. Well, such was not the case. My MIL jumped right back in with, "No, we are" and continued to talk about whatever it was we'd been talking about. That's it. There went my window. I wish I'd spoken up and said, "Actually, I'm not. I'm bi." I wish I'd done it. But as usual, my fucking brain was like, "Well, considering her reaction, if you say it now 1) They'll assume you're saying it just to be contrary, 2) They'll assume it's for attention, and 3) If they even give credence to bisexuality being a thing (since the only two sexualities they seem to be aware of are heterosexuality and homosexuality--the latter being treated as a joke and with some disdain) they'll still think I'm straight anyway just because I'm with their son." I didn't want to come off confrontational. My anxiety is fucking terrible for this, because it makes me feel like such a fucking coward. I shouldn't have been cowed. I should have gotten it out, if for no other reason than to be like, "Being in an opposite sex marriage doesn't negate being attracted to the same sex, too". Maybe if I'd done it, I could have also spared myself some of the stupid shit they say about gay people. Maybe for once they would have felt they had to walk on eggshells. Or even if they didn't, it would have given me full rights to say my piece, or walk away instead of listening to whatever tasteless nonsense comes from their mouths. I don't know what I'm looking for with this. Maybe commiseration? All I know is I'm as mad at myself as I am at them for making this situation so much harder than it should be. I mean, it's the 21st century, ffs--and I live in a Western country, besides! If no one else, what's the worst that could come from telling them? I guess if anyone has any input, I'm open to it. I'm just hoping I'll find another opening. This one was so fucking perfect, and I blew it.
Hey @BiWriter87 , I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It can’t be fun. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities. You didn’t blow it. One thought popped into my head as I was reading this. What straight person ever has to declare they’re straight? When she said, “ we’re both straight”, did that strike you as a little odd? I can understand a knowing nod like, “oh yeah, I get it as I’m straight” (to whatever was said) but actually saying it out loud? It sounds almost like some kind of denial of what may be going on with either her or your FIL. I may be way off and the tone of her voice and intonation will have made a difference but that’s what occurred to me. And when your husband piped in with his comment, they would have already closed their ears to any more discussion of it. I may be totally off base but it was something that stuck out. Aside from that, try not to beat yourself up too badly, she/they obviously have their issues surrounding sexuality whether it’s theirs or other people’s. Just do what you need to do whenever you’re ready and let others worry about their reactions themselves. You’re not responsible for how other people take news.
We all want to be loved for who we are. I dealt with a lot of these same issues with my mother upon coming out to her six years ago. Interestingly, I never felt the need to really come out to anybody else. My closest friend knew and was supportive, and then my mom. She didn't take it too well after it settled in. I finally had to tell myself that my mother couldn't give me the support I needed and it was best to just let it go (we're no-contact now anyway). By letting the issue go, I was able to be myself in peace. I think being bi makes it easier to do that and I'm not sure if I would do it again, but my lack of social and family system probably also helped in that regard. I wasn't as compelled to put on a fake face to fit in I guess.
Thank you both so much for your input. @Really I know you're right; their reactions aren't my responsibility. Wherever their issues stem from, whatever drives them to say and think the things they do, it has nothing to do with me. I think it was just the context of the conversation that had my MIL say what she did, though it's difficult to say. I'm also sorry your mom didn't take it well, @Morse Code, but I'm glad you're at peace with things as they are. The frustrating thing is, once upon a time I was really good at not giving a fuck about what people thought of me. Somewhere along the line, I let my anxiety take the wheel. I think I need to find that other side of me again; it may not have always been happy with the outcome, but that side was at least freer. (I'm getting too old to let others' opinions affect me anymore, anyway.) Thanks again. I really appreciate it. <3
Hey it is really tough to just be brave and put yourself out there sometimes. I can understand your frustration with not being about to do it (I have been there) but as the others have said you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, maybe next time you will manage it. It is difficult not to care what people think when those people are your in laws, it is difficult to just be like I dont care what you think, even though any negativity is not your fault. It is good that your husband is supportive of you. Would you consider a formal planned coming out to them or is that too much?
Thanks, @silverhalo. I really appreciate that. <3 A formal coming-out would probably be too much. ^^; I like the idea of it happening organically, mainly because I don't want to make it into a big deal. I think everyone's right, though; another chance will come along and when it does, I'll be sure to seize it.
No problem, I am sure almost everyone has been in a similar position where looking back they wished they had just come out with something about their sexuality but sometimes when you are in these situations you have a mere split second to decide what to do or say. It will happen when the time is right.
When your husband said "Well, actually" and your MIL said "No, we are"... what she was really saying was "I don't want any other narrative to be true". It would be an odd thing for a MIL to say "we're both straight" (referring to you and her) to begin with, so she obviously already knows or suspects something. I suspect this is more about discomfort on her part and trying to push away the discomfort by denying. Classic first response in the five stages of grief (in this case, loss of her perception that you're straight). None of that makes it any better, but what I'm essentially saying is, she probably isn't blissfully unaware. She probably is aware at some level but isn't ready to accept it. And likely, with time, she will. You could directly say something to her, but I'm not sure that, right now, that would break the denial either. It may simply take some time on her part.
