Maybe this is a subject better discussed with a professional, but I wanted to at least see what others had to say. I'm in a relationship with a girl who was sexually abused every day by her stepfather between the ages of 9 and 16. Surprisingly she seems to function pretty well most of the time - studying, looking after her son and holding down a job. Something like that would have destroyed me, and I'm amazed she survived. However I think I'm cross oriented: I feel right sexually with women, and think I would feel right romantically with a guy (altho I've never dated a guy). We have a pretty good relationship, but I can also see that I don't feel all the things as strongly I should. I've told her about my orientation but we've never really talked about it in depth. Sometimes I'm quite happy with her and other times I feel like the right thing to do is split up so I can keep looking for someone I *really* fall completely in love with. But any time I even broach the idea, her world crumbles and even if she says it's ok to break up, she isn't ok with it at all and she becomes suicidal. I know any breakup is painful, but because of the damage already done to this girl I really think she would try to take her own life if I left. She's just started therapy which I think will be effective, but I also think she might just get treatment for the easy-medium stuff and leave it at that and we won't ever be able to discuss this issue like adults. Does anyone have any advice?
If you feel as though you care about her, just not in a romantic way, maybe try telling her that. Continue to be there for her as a friend, tell her you don't want to see any harm come to her and tell her you will continue to help her through her troubles. If you do then find a guy you like, then before you seriously enter into a relationship with him, make sure he knows about your relationship with this woman and your honest feelings toward her and toward him.
What happened to this girl is AWFUL but ultimately it isn't your burden to deal with, not saying this in a flippant way but in a '' staying with her because of what happened to her in the past isn't going to be doing her any service and it's not what she ultimately need.'' I was also sexually assaulted as a kid and here is how I would handle it: I would tell her that '' I am very very sorry about what happened with her step-dad, that it is awful and that it should have never happened and I wish I could take it all back to spare her from the pain but that I can't and the last thing I want is to add to the long-list of people/men who hurt her but that I would ultimately be doing so if I stayed knowing I am not in love with her. " I would also add that she deserves the best and that the best isn't me but that I want to be the best support I can be and want to continue to help her on her journey, I would tell her that I really don't want to see her become suicidal because I know she will meet someone that will value her and will love her the way she deserves and that when she does, any pain she feels about the break-up will have been worth it. And then I would follow through, I would make sure I warn her family and close friends first though, so they can be on the look-out for any change of behavior/suicidal thoughts and so they can be ready to be there for her and provide her with immediate help and mental support.
As someone who has struggled extensively with mental health some much milder assault than your girlfriend and been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, I would say that honestly still remains the least hurtful option. Abuse and the after effects of trauma do not change a person’s desire to be loved genuinely. It may be hurtful immediately but less hurtful in the long run. Just explain what you said here and state what boundaries and support you can offer. Believe that she is strong enough to beat this with or without you. Trust me most people are I know I was even though I thought there was no way. Good luck and feel free to message me! Hold this helped a little
