It's the holidays and I know in my heart that we will not all be together next year. I believe we will still see each other but differently. A good friend of mine told me that I need to break away quickly and completely. As an example of my wife's determination, my friend told me that since I continue to wear my ring, my spouse continues to hold on. Thats only 1 thing but basically anything that I do to fit into her perception of the perfect spouse gives her hope. She believes, and so do I, that my wife will never be able to move on until I get away. I'm going to my first counseling appointment after the new year. I'm nervous and anxious. I hope it will help.
Speaking as someone who is largely through with the forest fire, but still encounters occasional hot spots that flare up, your wife may never fully give up, no matter what you do. My ex and I have become friends, and she is quite aware that she has absolutely no hope of ever getting me back, but I still see subtle behaviors that make me realize she doesn't completely want to let go. The frequent phone calls for advice on silly things, the stubbornness about staying at her part time job and not taking responsibility for her life, and the attempts at manipulation of my feelings that are (fortunately) getting easier and easier to ignore - they all add up to someone who hasn't fully moved on. But as you put it, we DO see each other differently now. I once felt that I had absolutely no control over what happened in our relationship and that she was very much the one in charge. I don't anymore. It has been a gradual shift, and I can tell you that there are days when I slide back into old behaviors, but overall there has been great progress. What makes things difficult is that hour by hour or day by day, it feels like you haven't gone very far. But a few weeks or months later, you can look back on that miniscule daily movement and realize it has brought you a very long way, and your relationship is very different in many ways than it was. I look back on previous Christmases and remember the over-the-top stress levels, the fights and angry asides, the general feeling of phony happiness, and I realize how much better things are now. She will be joining our daughters, my brother's family, me and my partner for Christmas Eve, and I am going to her house Christmas morning to be with the girls. (I'm sparing my partner that, since she's an awful hoarder and the place is scary!) It's progress I would not have dreamed of making at the start of my journey, but step by step, I have reached a point where many problems have been resolved and I am at place of feeling secure and happy and accepted. You will get there. Progress is something that happens over time and often isn't obvious as it is occurring. You can do this,
Hi Fritzcoop, My husband and I have separated but are still living together. Our split has been a long time coming and was mutually agreed but he is finding it very difficult to make that mental change whilst we are living together.... I am finding it isn’t a problem for me that we are living together, but I guess that is probably in large part because I am not attracted to him and know that I want a future that is very different. I wonder if it is similar for you and your wife. RunningWoman x
Hi @Fritzcoop This has been my first Xmas without my ex-partner and in some ways it’s been a really tricky transition. It took my ex quite a few months to accept that we had no prospect of getting back together. Similar to @Run2019, my ex still has feelings (or claimed he did) and for him it all came out of the blue, whereas in my mind, it had been over for years.
Pressed post too soon... My partner still gives indications that he hasn’t really give up. Last Xmas I got a pair of socks and this year he got me a thoughtful gift, costing over 10x as much. Although it was also from our daughter, I did say that I didn’t think it was appropriate. He’s consistently pushing boundaries, but as @Choirboy says, the dynamic has changed and I feel able to enforce boundaries/give my opinions, rather than quietly go along with whatever he wants. It goes up and down, at times it feels like things are going well, and at other times it feels like old habits come back.
The ups and downs are tremendous. The holidays for us could be described as bland. I don't know what is going on in her head. I met with a therapist and he agrees that if she is going to not listen and act like we never spoke of separation even though it's been a topic many times then I should move forward and stop trying to discuss it. He believes that I subject myself to unnecessary guilt and that right now I need to find other outlets to reduce stress. I talked about camping and he suggested that I do it by myself and get away. My homework is to assess each guilt event for its validity, pick it apart. Which I'm doing and so far the events are not valid reasons to have guilt. He has also asked that I follow through with going camping over a weekend. I'll see him again in 2 weeks.
What do you think? Do you agree with your therapist? I think if you’ve tried to talk to your wife, given her time to process what you’ve said, and she’s essentially carrying on as if nothing has happened, then there does come a point where you need to put yourself first. By taking action, your wife might realise that she can’t ignore the situation. Would your wife consider finding a therapist of her own? It might help her to process the situation. I hope you enjoy camping and it clears your head.
I do agree with my therapist. I've been manipulating myself through guilt. My wife continues to use guilt to manipulate me as well. I spent last night reevaluating what my guilt is about and essentially it's coming from her messages. I do understand her situation. She's trying to hang on. If we talk anymore about our relationship it's a waste of time. She is currently officially out of my circle of friends.
@LostInDaydreams , those are some really good points! @Fritzcoop , you ARE a good person and a excellent provider. In my opinion, after you have honorably and clearly stated the truth, you have done your part and it's up to your wife whether she grasps the truth. Yeah, it would be nice if she accepted the truth and cooperated on moving forward gracefully, but I hope you won't let her stubbornness hold you back.
