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Is it too late - Am I in too deep?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ams, Dec 20, 2019.

  1. Ams

    Ams
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    Ok, I'm not sure where to start, but here goes...

    The shortest version I can muster!:

    I've know I was attracted to women from puberty, I also find a few men attractive, but when it comes to sex, it's only women that I think about and enjoy having sex with.

    One of those few men I find attractive is my husband - we have been together for 18 years. It's a pretty dysfunctional relationship for many reasons, but I feel like I'm in too deep now to walk away. We have only been married for 3 years, but we have 3 children.

    He knows that I'm at least Bi, but I only told him after we got married, which was something I deeply regret as that was unfair to him. However, I always felt I had to choose this option of suppression (my family are very judgemental, I have no gay friends and any time I have met LGBTQ people, they assume I'm totally straight and pretty much shun me!).

    Recently, and as our relationship has taken a downturn (again) and I just can't get rid of the feelings of regret: Why did I not just come out when I was young? Why wasn't I honest with myself and with others? In reflection, I realise that I am a) worried about what people think and b) try to live up to, or exceed, other people's expectations of me.

    I feel like I am trapped. I'm deeply unhappy with most aspects of life. However, I feel like ruining my family's life just because I've realised I actually want to only have sex with a woman (no, there are none on the radar btw!) just seems selfish. I feel like I have chosen this path, and I should honour it for their sakes. But the conflict is that I'm always being told that I'm never happy, to cheer up etc. And how do I even know if that would make me happy?!

    Had anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

    Thanks in advance for any responses!
     
  2. Jacqui H

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    AMS,

    Being trans is not being gay. Sexual orientation versus gender identity.
    I had a lot of arguments with myself about what was selfish and what I should do to live.

    I had to do it. I had to accept myself and move forward with it. I was heading into too dark a place with self harm and ideation plans.

    So I guess the question comes down to one of two or three things. How bad of are you? How much are you willing to give up to continue or move forward. Huge much will you resent others if you don't act on these thoughts/feelings?

    I can't tell you. I wish you love and acceptance.

    With warmth,

    Jacqui

    I was about to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary when I came out to my spouse. So unfair. I have been very lucky. I still love her and we're have made it day by day to almost 5 Years later. We have three kids but they are 17, 19 and 21.

    So I have been through the exact same thing in a totally different way. .
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. The short answer is it's never too late. That doesnt mean it is an easy decision to make though. I've never been in your position but there are lots of people on EC that are or have been.

    By ruining your families life, do you mean your husband and children? It's not an easy decision to make for sure but think about the current situation also, you are miserable, if you stay in your current relationship, is that likely to continue? What are the chances of you being happy in your current situation? Do you think long term the issues in your relationship and your unhappiness will have an impact on your children? Sometimes splitting a family up seems like the worst thing that can happen but I've spoken to lots of people who themselves had parents for whatever reason had a fractious relationship and tried to stay together for the children but ended up splitting up when they were older and all of them have said, I wish they had gone their separate ways sooner as I knew they were happy and things were better once they were split up.
     
  4. Ams

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    Hey Jacqui H,

    Thanks so much for your reply. These are the questions I have been thinking about- but it's hard to gauge- some days I struggle and can't imagine going on like this, and then some days I have a good day with my family and think it is impossible to miss that.

    X
     
  5. Ams

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    Thanks Silverhalo!

    I think my children are already being impacted. However, because my husband and I want different things (he wants to live abroad, but I would move back to the UK if we split), that means they will have an even more fractured life. We are not really your 'typical family', if there is such a thing, we travel and I work from home so he is the main caregiver. A split would force them to choose where to live, and I know they would likely choose differently.

    I totally get your point of doing it earlier rather than later. I agree, and that's why I'm trying to find sense and decide which path would be best. Try and suppress for the family privilege or start again.

    I think, having read both of your replies, it's made me realise there is a lot more to this than I can handle, and more to consider! So I think I'll try an find an online therapist!!!

    Thanks again x
     
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  6. Dreamsexul

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    It's not going to be easy, but it's never too late to make things better.

    My wife and I had a toxic marriage for nearly 20 years before we sorted it all out. And now things are much better with us being a QP couple. Our child has take it all in their stride, tbh, though obviously it's not ideal.

    Life is difficult. And I think some of us got to play life on 'hard mode' because of gender or sexuality.
     
  7. Peterpangirl

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    All I can say from my experience is that the path is hard and has been filled with both tears and laughter, heartbreak, sorrow and joy - and I might always feel a little as if I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. This time last year I had what people might once have called a nervous breakdown...but I have been able to move forward and achieve some good goals this year, including starting on a new career path. I certainly feel less unhappy and more myself than when I had figured out my sexuality but was yet to come out: that was torture, agony even. And I can walk tall in a very frank way I never could before.
     
    #7 Peterpangirl, Dec 25, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
  8. silverhalo

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    A therapist is definitely a good thing if you can manage it, it cant hurt to have support.

    It is definitely not easy whatever path you try and follow and nobody but you can make those decisions for you. If you find there are things you want to write out, EC is a great place. We will be here for you if we can.
     
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  9. Ams

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    Thanks Peterpangirl. I'm glad things are working out for you now. I'm such a coward, the whole process looks scary even. I can imagine being so much happier being out and being true for once. It feels like a huge weight may be lifted. But then I think about what is actually at stake and it stops me dead in my tracks. It does feel like something is going to break soon though... Thanks for making me feel less isolated though!
     
  10. Ams

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    Thanks for your support- yeah I can see how it helps just to get things off your chest and not feel alone! I do feel better just from the limited interactions on here already!
     
  11. Fritzcoop

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    It gets harder and imparts people more the longer you wait. I'm 58. Just came out to my wife last fall. She says that she knew but wished we would have talked about and dealt with it about 10 yrs ago.
     
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  12. Dreamsexul

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    I feel you.
    My wife and I wished we'd sorted these things out right at the start of our marriage (tbh, we shouldn't have got married at all). But better late than never. My wife and I are happier in our love lives than either of us have been for 20 years.
     
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  13. Ams

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    Thanks for this!
    Seems to be a theme that no one has actually regretted it and just wished they had done it sooner.
    I know what I need to do. But it's a bit scary!
     
  14. SevnButton

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    Hi @Ams - yeah, lots of us are in similar situations. I could have written a lot of your post, and I struggle with the tension between being authentic and keeping my family happy.

    Yes, it would be a major disruption if you leave your husband, but it's also really bad for your children if you are deeply unhappy.

    This doesn't have any easy answers, but we're in this with you. Keep posting!
     
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  15. Ams

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    Thank you! Yeah I agree, I don't want to make things worse for the kids by being miserable. I feel like I need to almost do some kind of audit and weigh up the situation a bit more. There are good days and I can't even think of being without them, but when I fall into a depression it's the same theme that comes up.

    So difficult to make this decision.
     
  16. PaintingMeInfinite

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    Hello there! First off I'll say that it's never too late (I have to reassure myself of this all the time) and while you may be in deep it is probably beneficial to put in the work to get out and be out (this again I reassure myself of). I am in a similar situation, been with my spouse for 15 years now, married for 12 and we have two girls together, 8 and 12 years old. I actually did talk to my wife prior to getting married and she now assures me that she knew what she was in for down the road. I'm not so sure I really buy that though I trust her enough I don't question it. We have decided to divorce and I come out (which is an ongoing process in itself). We came to this decision after several suicide attempts over the last several years, which seem to be part of my mental illness more so than my sexuality although I'm sure it does play a part. One thing I have been trying to convince myself in this trying time is that it's okay to be selfish, to take care of my needs and put myself first. This can allow me to be a better person and better parent for my children. There are times when I look back and think that we did have good days and wonder if those are worth "throwing away" for a chance of a better life. I think I'm off topic and rambling a little so I'll say it again, it's never too late! We are all here for you!
     
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  17. SevnButton

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    The good days from the past don't disappear; they always exist in our memory. I don't think any of us should cling onto memories from the past to justify the present. The most important thing is how we create new good days. Maybe that comes from building on what we already have, maybe it comes from starting something new. That's what we all have to decide, and the choice isn't easy, especially knowing that letting go can be really, really hard. But I have to believe that somehow some good days, or even just good moments, are ahead.
     
  18. Ams

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    Thanks guys, for sharing and for the advice. I really appreciate your words of encouragement!
     
  19. Peteselgat

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    Hi too late!
    I am now 40 up until about a year ago I would have told you I was Bi. I identify as gay. I have a daughter and have been with woman as well as men through my life. Much like you my sexual fantasy's leaned more toward the same sex though my attractions were with woman as well. For me it took a loving relationship with the right man for me to say. Yes I am gay. I feel my attractions toward woman were more of a wishful thinking in my case. I have loved woman and enjoyed woman sexually. But the fact is I am gay. It took me a long time to figure that one out.
     
  20. Peteselgat

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    Point is being that your sexual needs seem to lie in woman, is being married to a man going to make you happy?