Hi everyone, New here and looking for advice on coming out to my parents as asexual/panromantic. For background, I’m 27, financially independent, own my own home, and live about three hours from my parents. I recognize that this is a very privileged place to be in - the worst my parents can do is yell at me, which would be really hard emotionally, but then I can just carry on with my life while they get their ish together. I’m an only child and we’re pretty close, so I think that will happen eventually. I probably came out to myself two years ago. I came out to my ex-husband a year ago, which ultimately led to our divorce six months ago. My friends and church community (I’m UU) are extremely supportive, as are the few coworkers I’ve come out to. For a long time I was happy with this. When I came out to my closest friend from high school, she also came out to me as ace and panromantic. She lives four hours away for her pharmacy residency, and we have been slowly exploring a romantic relationship together. We’re not “official” at this point, but it’s gotten very serious for us. She makes me really happy and I want to share it with everyone, and it’s hard keeping that from my parents. She 100% supports me telling them on my own time. (Her parents know and are very supportive.) We will get to spend time together in person next week for the holidays (yay!) and we will probably be around my parents together at some point. I feel OK asking her to lie by omission about things only related to me - I’m planning a solo trip to the UK in May and haven’t told my parents yet because they will probably be upset, and it feels fine to me to ask her just not to mention it in their presence yet. However, we have two trips planned in the spring. My parents know about the first one (a weekend in Florida) but not the extended weekend in Arizona. It would be very hard to hide that trip because I’ll need to call my mom on her birthday, which will require some combined effort with time zones/spotty cell coverage. Asking my friend to not talk about the trip we are excited to take together in front of my parents doesn’t sit well with me. I still want to wait until after Christmas to avoid potentially ruining the holiday, but I don’t think I can wait much longer after that. I’m closer with my mom, so I think I will tell her over the phone and let her tell my dad. I would prefer in person, but it could be weeks before she could come visit me by herself. She isn’t very woke but is usually open to being educated, and I’m prepared to do that, but I’m still at a loss on how to go about the conversation. My mom won’t have any idea what asexuality is and will probably be a bit in shock I’m essentially dating another woman. I also expect she will be pretty angry I’ve come out to other people because in her mind it should be a Shameful Secret. When I’ve searched, most resources seem to be for teens at home coming out (which is awesome!) but does anyone have any resources that might be helpful for me to give my mom about asexuality or the queer community in general as her adult child? Or any other words of advice?
I don't really have advice, but I think you've done great so far and I really hope everything works out for you
Acejolras, Hi. Hope you are doing well. That sounds like a lot to wrap your head and heart around. I also hope your Mom surprises you. Maybe she can find understanding and acceptance via her love for you. I'm sure there are other resources. However, most support does, like this one, have a section for family, parents and significant others. Maybe that would help. Good luck. I wish you love and acceptance. With warmth, Jacqui
Acejolras, Welcome to EC! I hope your time here is wonderful. I am fairly certain, from experience, that once it is understood, asexuality isn’t generally an issue to parents. If anything, I have only seen reactions of shock, to understanding, even to relief sometimes in the cases I’ve seen. (because it relieved worries of the child doing stupid stuff relevant to sexual relationships) Reactions to being panromantic, on the other hand, are generally dependent on how it is presented. Presenting it as “I can love anyone, regardless of sex or gender.” and avoiding comparisons to being gay or bi, usually gets a better reaction. Good potential resources for those who have questions about others coming out to them are scarce compared to the vast resources for the one coming out. And while this is a shame, it probably isn’t going to change in the near future (Hoping I’m wrong ) Either way, this Forum has a section for family members that might have questions, so that might be a good place to recommend. It’s well moderated, and allows them to ask their own questions, or search if they don’t know what to ask. Overall, it depends on the situation, and the people you are coming out to. Reading the situation is key, as is reading the audience. Be cautious, and remain understanding of any confusion or discomfort, if you hope for understanding from them. This sort of topic can be uncomfortable or difficult for some people, and being open minded is a mutual affair, which is something everyone can learn. Warmly, Quinn
Thanks for the responses, everyone. The family member section here seems like it would be helpful for her. (AVEN has a similar one, but it’s 99% about being married to someone who’s ace, so obviously not very helpful in this situation.) I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, so I think she’ll come around fairly quickly to me being in a relationship with another woman, but will struggle a lot with me wanting to be out and be vocal on queer issues. Which I know isn’t her decision, but I’m still not looking forward to arguing about it or having to defend myself. I wonder if it would be helpful to check ahead of time with K’s mom if she would be willing to chat with my mom one-on-one. She’s a very enthusiastic supporter of queer people and is really open-minded. I think my mom might understand things better if another mom in her position can reassure her that this isn’t some Awful Thing. I know this will be hard, and I think I’m finally in a place where I’m prepared to process it emotionally. I don’t expect it to go perfect, or even great, and I know there will be a lot of continuing education. I’m trying to remind myself coming out to my ex sucked and asking for a divorce really, really sucked, and if I could do those things, I can do this. And that it probably won’t be as bad because at least I don’t have to live in the same house as my parents after I come out.
AVEN is pretty cool for those trying to figure out their ace status and relationships with ace partners ... But you're right that it's not so great after that, lol . Great place with loads of cool folks, though. Good look!
