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Feel like no one will believe me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LostSeto, Dec 16, 2019.

  1. LostSeto

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    Im a lesbian 25 and not out
    I don't know how to come out. I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and I can't get out.

    All my life I've just lied about being attracted to men I've been on dates even had sex just to make sure but I've never felt anything, I was just board and uncomfortable.

    For the longest time untill I was about 16 I thought women were just lying about liking men because that's how things were ment to be.

    So I've gone along with this for years even after becoming comfortable with myself and im worried about how to answer questions if I do come out

    Like if I'm with people and their talking about men I just automatically respond like I'm interested in men when I'm really not I just lie without thinking

    What do I say ? How do explain myself ?
    I'm already the black sheep of the family I feel like such a disappointment.
     
  2. Feli

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    Hey! Feli here!

    First of all: you're not a disappointment. It may be hard to believe at first that being yourself is fine, but, trust me: You're not wrong for feeling the way you're feeling. If I've learned something these days, is that no one can invalidate the way you feel.

    If you want my advice for coming out, I suggest that you try to find some close people you can tell about it. It's totally normal and valid to be confused about it, so don't worry about finding the way to explain it. Just say that you've lied about liking men because that's not you. You like women and the idea of being with a man makes you feel uncomfortable. And that's okay, really. You're not the black sheep for being lesbian.


    You can try to talk to your close friends that you know that won't judge you, so you will have some people who will support you in all this process. And remember: you're not alone. Here on EC you can find a lot of people who can give good advice about this issue, and so many LGBT+ people who will accept and support you! So, don't worry and as I said before:

    You're not a disappointment. You're amazing just the way you are! No matter if you like girls, boys, non-binary people or whoever you want. It’s you choice, it’s the way your heart feels and you’re totally valid.

    Go ahead with it!
     
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  3. Feli

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    PS: Sorry for writing in bold. I made a typo meanwhile typing :frowning2: And I'm sorry if I made a mistake! I'm not a native English speaker, haha
     
  4. LostSeto

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    Thanks. I guess I'm still a bit embarrassed by it. Mostly because all my cousins are starting to settle down.
    I don't really have any close firends I can talk to I'm a bit of a loner (that's more by my choice tho) I guess I'm just worried about the attention i will get from my family. I need to be less embarrassed.
     
  5. Jacqui H

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    Hi LostSeto,

    Sorry how uncomfortable you feel.

    Do you feel it is wrong to be a lesbian? Only reason I ask is that you stated you are embarrassed. That often suggests shame. It was the hardest thing for me to get over.

    I think Feli gave you some good advice. Finding a friend who won't judge you. The more you come out, the easier it gets. Of course once you come out, it is a never ending series of coming out.

    It is easy to see yourself as disappointment. It is not usually true. I am not saying you won't have problems. However, I think you are stuck until you get it out there. Coming out to my family was such scary prospect. It's one of the hardest parts of being publicly LGBTQ+. It doesn't have to happen all at once. It is something you get to control initially. Then it's up to how quickly word spreads in your world.

    I hope you find a clear way to move forward.

    I wish you love and acceptance.

    Warmly,
    Jacqui
     
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  6. Lin1

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    I have been in your shoes, nobody ever suspected that I could be anything but straight (I am really femme and I did have sex with a few guys and could participate in conversations about men without so much of a second thought), I was terrified to come out, especially to my gay friends (I had a few) because I was certain they would assume I was just experimenting and that they wouldn't be able to take me seriously.

    I initially came out as bi, didn't make it a big deal, just started mentioning girls in conversation about men.

    And surprisingly people would have a minute of ''Uh? You like girls?'' and I would say yes and they would just nod and shrug and would simply be cool with it.

    People didn't really ask questions, they just took it at face value and now I am really gay (as in working for the queer community, living with queer people spending most of my time at queer events) and have been for the last 5 years, I don't even think they can remember me talking about guys or liking guys.

    I have noticed that in most cases, people don't care, your sex life doesn't affect them and as long as they can still rant and fawn over men, they don't care if you dig girls.
     
    #6 Lin1, Dec 16, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2019
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  7. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC, a few years ago I was you, minus the actual sleeping with men. Whilst the situation you find yourself in feels very lonely I am sure, it is actually much more common than you would think. I totally get that you feel embarrassed and that nobody will believe you, I definitely felt both of those things but most likely people will believe you because why would you make it up.
    Are your friends/family generally LGBT friendly?

    I think when you first consider telling people it can feel very overwhelming, especially when up until this point it is something that has only ever been in your mind. Being on EC and chatting about everything I am sure will be a massive help, it certainly was to me. Just take it one step at a time.
     
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  8. Unsure77

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    For what it's worth, right at a year ago, I was watching a TON of "top ways to know you're a lesbian" videos on YouTube and faking crushes on boys/men to fit in socially was a very common theme. I didn't get as far as having sex, but I totally (as a teen) picked random boys/men to profess crushes on to stay under the radar. It had everything to do with shame for who I actually had crushes on and with wanting to fit in. I can't speak to how your friends and family will respond, but (for me) no one has questioned my experience there. Granted, I had been passing more as asexual than heterosexual.

    Also, for what it's worth, if you poke around on the sexual orientation board and late and life board you see a good number of people who had convinced themselves they were heterosexual and even went so far as getting married before they finally realized and/or came to terms with being lgbt. Either because they just hadn't noticed or had refused to acknowledge it for years. You're not alone at all.
     
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  9. Regaen

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    I get how you feel. I'm asexual, and for years I thought I just needed to try harder, to open up more. I'd get in relationships and say, this time it'll work, and it never did. I lied about having crushes or finding someone attractive just because it was the done thing, and I didn't want to be known as the weird girl, well, more than I already was.

    The thing is, being open about who I was relaxed so much. I didn't feel the need to conform any more. I was free to be myself, and that was so liberating. As for if they believe you, what does it matter? They'll change their minds when they see you going out with a girl. Plenty of people are confused at first.

    When it comes to being the black sheep of the family, well, I'm the black sheep of mine, and ever since I came out, I've been happier. Because now they know, if they say something I find rude, I can call it, not just sit back and take it and come off weird. If they don't accept me, I can cut ties with them and not be the 'bad one'. I get that a lot with my sister. But I know from experience that nothing about any of those situations is going to change unless you take initiative. If they take it badly, you know where they stand, and it seems like they aren't too pleased with you now. But they might take it well, and improve your situation. Either way you'll know where you stand.
     
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  10. LostSeto

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    Word spreads quick I have a cousin that got married and didn't tell anyone for a year and he's straight his wife's normal. He just didn't want to deal with the gossip

    I can talk to one member of the family and by the end of the day im getting text messages about it from 3 different people and that's what embassies me the attention and everyone knowing my business. Everyone has an opinion on it and I don't know if I can deal with the questions.
     
  11. AutismCay

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    Oh God... Find someone loving and supportive as fuck because yes you have dug yourself a deep hole. I have read about men who are promiscuous because they covering they are gay and a lot of them get STDs. Hopefully you have at least been using condoms?
     
    #11 AutismCay, Dec 17, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2019
  12. LostSeto

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    It really isent as bad as that .