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Do i have a fetish or am i trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ophelia25, Dec 17, 2019.

  1. Ophelia25

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    I'm female 16 and I've always had this penis envy. The only thing that gets me off is thinking of / watching men orgasmimg. I imagine how they must be feeling at the time, all the sensations, as if they were mine.
    I've never been sexually attracted to men but something about their penises just turns me on so bad! When i was a child i would put socks in my pants imagining i had a penis, which would turn me on so badly even tho i didn't know what sex was. Just seeing the bulge through someone's pants makes me think of masturbation. I think that this fetish/envy was triggered by seeing a boy peeing through his pants while standing up when i was around 4-5 yo and then trying to imitate him but failing, which had me really frustrated. Last night I even dreamt of having a penis and getting hard at school and then woke up orgasming. Also i need to mention that nothing abt men turns me on besides that and i like women, which i think makes me a lesbian.
    What should i call this fetish? Something like transvestic fetishism? Or i am trans? What is your opinion?
     
  2. AutismCay

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    Wow that is a hard. Buy a strapon and see if your girlfriend will let you use it.
     
  3. Jacqui H

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    Hi Ophelia,

    Welcome.

    Maybe you would rather get info from a FTM trans guy? Sorry, if so, skip my post.

    There is a phrase that seems like a smart @&& joke. If you are wondering if you are trans, you probably are. The reason this is often (not always) true is because most cis people may wonder what it would be like to be the opposite gender. However, they rarely wonder if they are the opposite gender/trans.

    Do you have access to a therapist? A gender therapist is best but a good general therapist is very helpful. They can help guide you through the maze of confusion. If they are good, they guide you and don't tell you what to do. You make the choices. I have a doctor who says the one thing that makes her nervous about prescribing trans people is that it is the only condition that is self diagnosed.

    I think a therapist might be able to guide you through some questions or thought experiments. It would let you mess around with your thoughts and desires. Maybe you are not trans. Maybe you are and are a lesbian. Maybe you are neither. There are a lot of places along the gender spectrum.

    I hope you find love and acceptance from others and yourselves.

    With warmth,

    Jacqui
     
  4. Phoenix92

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    I’m terribly sorry about this, but you asked this question before on October 23.

    However, I will be giving the answer as before, as you may not have seen the response:

    Well, I can’t say for certain if you’ve got penis envy, but it sure sounds quite similar to things that occurred in my past, though the other way round.
    I never enjoyed urination standing, I would always sit when I peed, even on camping trips with Boy Scouts.
    When I was super young I would put on bras at night to sleep in. Sometimes I’d wake up and get them off before my mother came to wake me up, other times I’d not(and get in trouble for it)
    In 3rd grade(after seeing “Blue Sub No. 6”) I dreamt I was Mutio.
    4th grade I dreamt I was placed into a machine that changed me from masculine to feminine. Tall, slender, beautiful. Sadly, though I didn’t realize(at the time) that I could have done something. I was living a lie by day and by night.
    In 5th grade, my class was shown the “what to expect during ‘the change’” video. The boys were shown one, the girls another. I remember feeling this severe dread of what to expect.
    Following my 13th birthday, I started going to Boy Scouts. Each and every Monday night. I didn’t like it. I wanted to stop going, but I didn’t feel like I could safely say “I’m not a boy” to my father(whom was in scouts when he was that age)
    During middle school, I saw peers going through those changes. I was scared of when it would happen. Each summer I was scared it would happen.
    6th grade, at a school fair there was an “Answer a question correct, win a book” game. I answered the question correct, and while I was drawn to one book(Luna, by Julie Anne Peters), my mother was there and made me select another book(Dr. Franklins Island, Ann Hallam). I didn’t know why I was drawn to the first, but I’m kind of glad I got the other, as it had quite the positive impact on me(so much that it’s been incorporated into my literary sleeve).
    Middle school came and went, still no change, I was feeling relief.
    And then 9th grade came, and so did the change, like a hammer to a nail.
    All this time, I’d still bra it up at night for sleeping. Also during this time, I was still living a lie.
    Still going to Scouts. Working on getting Eagle.
    And then I did.
    Finally I felt I didn’t have any obligations to remain male, yet I still didn’t.
    All during this time, I’d still bra it at night, thinking it was just a kink, even though I felt complete whilst in them.
    Even after going away to college, I’d still do it, still thinking it was a kink.
    It wasn’t unit I had started doing drag that I slowly began to realize “this is me, this is who I am.”
    Of course, it did take one final attempt(brought on because of shame I was feeling(my parents had put so many obligations before me, that I knew I’d not be able to complete)) before I realized.
    In the week before I realized, I’d worn an unpadded bra, just “because”.
    I think the kicker was the night I had my realization. I had “Girl Moded” it to karaoke at the local gay bar, on the bus ride there a little girl saw me and asked her mother “is that a boy or a girl?”. My response was “does it really matter?” but it got me thinking, and later that night, I had my “holy shit” moment. I then realized I needed to let work know, I set up a meeting for that Thursday, to give time for me to come to grips myself. Of course, they knew right away from my email.
    When I got home from the meeting, I realized I had to tell my mother. I did, and her response was “well, you always had a fetish for women’s clothes, I think I saw this coming. I love you the same though.”
    Anyhow, I’m rambling. If you think you might be Trans, “Boy Mode” it for a week, even if it’s just packing and binding. See how you feel presenting as masculine. If it feels right, if you feel whole/complete, you might be Trans. But each person is different, and even if elements of the story are similar, they might not always have the same outcome, as even though some people saw the things I did as a fetish, I felt complete, I felt whole.
     
  5. Hawk

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    It sounds like you see being trans (male genitalia) as more of a sexual thing than an identity. Removing the genital aspect, how does it feel to be referred to as a guy? Do you prefer being treated as a man? As stated above, if this is something that you're confused about, I recommend seeking and talking to a therapist (one who specializes in LGBT and gender identity).
     
  6. Ophelia25

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    I wouldn't like to be referred to as a man.
     
  7. Hawk

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    If you don't want to be referred to as a man, I don't think you're a trans guy. There are also plenty of lesbian/bi women who use strap-ons, prefer to top, or present more masculinely. You can always experiment with what you like (or don't like).
     
    gravechild likes this.