Hello everyone, first of all, english is not my first languages so please excuse me if some sentences look weird. I'm a 30 yo male and I have been struggling with my sexuality for the last few months and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I need to settle with something or take a decision but I just can't make up my mind and it's starting to make feel seriously depressed. Here is the think : I thing I'm straight (or so I thought) and I have only dated women so far, but I also always been fantasizing about men. Well, not MEN actually, but mostly about big penises (yeah) and being passive with another men during sex. When I was a kid, I used to fall in love with girls. During high school, I also was chasing girls (not sure I'm using the right word, sounds a bit creepy) and never noticed other men BUT I started to have gay fantasies as soon as I started watching porn. I've been a huge porn consumer since I was 14 maybe ? I am kind of skinny and shy, and I don't feel comfortable around more assured and stronger men. So it's always been like that : I have been in couple with several (well not too much, but I had a few serious relationships) women and the sex was nice, but in my bedroom when I was alone I was also fantasizing about : - making love with a man (again, just thinking about penis and me being dominated, I never actually thought about someone I know) - my girlfriend being fucked by someone stronger and more endowed that I am So, yeah, I have always been fantasizing about stronger men in my head without connecting it to real life : I always had good male friends and never thought about them in this way. The problem is that since I'm 20, I think that my relationships with women have been complicated. First of all, I notice a girl that I like. I start hitting on her (not sure it's the right word) and eventually we start dating. Then I feel VERY nervous and trapped in the relationship. I usually break very fast, or sometimes I think "Ok I want to try anyway" and force myself into it, because I'm sick of dodging the relationship like that. That actually led me to the longest relationship of my life (5 years) which was really great and I really was in love. But since then (it was 3 years ago), it's back to the same thing : whenever I start dating a girl, I feel very nervous and don't really want to continue. I just can't understand why. On the other side, I just keep watching porn and fantasize about the same things. Recently I have even downloaded ##### and started to talk with other men and got really turned on, but I always give up before it gets too real. I don't want to do that because it would only be for sex. So I don't know what's going on with me. Now I'm starting to look at every men and wonder if I'm gay. Sometimes I actually feel turned on by a man or feel uncomfortable around "stronger" man but I don't know what to do with it. Every time I start talking with them or becoming friends with them, the attraction fades away. Sometimes I feel manly and sometimes very womanly. These last few months have been very rough for me. I feel like I'll never be able to fall in love with a woman, even though I feel like that's I really want from life. If I'm really, I could accept it... I think ? Or maybe I'm really just in denial. Anyway, if anyone has been going through something similar, I'd love to hear your story or get any piece of advice. I really need help. I feel like I could never get actual feelings for a man but maybe I'm just denying it ? I really don't know and it's driving me crazy. Thanks a lot if you took the time to read my story.
Hi, and welcome to EC! It sounds like most of your actual fantasies are focused on men. So assuming that's the case, the desire for women may be more imposed by society and social environment (you feel the need to 'fit in') than by what you're actually attracted to. And that's pretty common. Especially in our teen years, we want to fit in and be accepted by our friends. If you find that your masturbation fantasies are mostly thinking about men (especially if you have those fantasies when masturbating without porn), then it's pretty clear that this is where your arousal and attraction lies. If that is the case, then you are likely going through the process of understanding and accepting the loss of your self-perception as straight, and in doing so, there are stages: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. Very few people who figure out they are gay are thrilled when they first figure that out. They are upset, they want to be straight, they want ordinary lives like every other straight person. That's quite normal. So the first thing is to take some time and just figure out where your attractions lie. I suggest giving up porn and simply using fantasy when you masturbate for a while, and see where it leads you. If you find that the fantasies are all toward guys, then it will probably take you some time to come to terms with that. And that's OK. The other piece, which you probably already realize, is... wherever your attractions are, they are pretty much hardwired. If you're attracted to guys, you can't change yourself and be attracted to women, and vice-versa. So a big part of the process is accepting and loving yourself as you are. It all takes time, but there's no rush.
Thanks a lot for your answer. Well I'm also attracted to women and fantasize about women sometimes. Alhtough when I'm actually dating someone, the idea of her being loved by someone else is pretty strong indeed (and I'm actually kinda jealous in real life). That's what makes everything more complicated : it's not like I've always known I'm gay, but I can't say I'm not for sure either. Giving up porn sounds good though, I should step back and see what happens. I really see my future with a woman and I never had feelings for anoter man so I'm really lost. Thanks again for your advices.
I am new to this site and going through my own struggle right now. And it sounds similar to yours. It sounds to me that you are bisexual. I am more attracted to women than men, but in the work I do I see a lot of different people and there are guys that I have found myself attracted to as well.
