1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I chickened out today

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mysteria, Dec 15, 2019.

  1. Mysteria

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I had a perfectly good opportunity to tell my ex husband about my girlfriend and thus my sexuality, and I chickened out almost automatically. The reason I care about this is that my ex has sole custody of our children and I don't feel right telling my kids before I tell him. I hated hearing about his girlfriend through the kids and I don't want to do that. And I really want to tell my kids.

    How do you get past that knee jerk reaction to conceal everything? I'm out to almost everyone in my life with a couple of glaring exception and my ex and kids are one of those exceptions.
     
  2. Dreamsexul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Devon, UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm not sure that was a knee jerk reaction on your part - it sounds like you had a good reason.

    Maybe come out via letter to certain people?
     
  3. Jacqui H

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2019
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    20
    Location:
    Syracuse, NY
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Mysteria,

    What a tough position to be in. I can't tell you what to do. However, you owe to yourself to move on. Dreamsexul's idea is a good way. Do you feel the need to do it face to face?

    What is the most frightening thing that might happen? Do you want to tell your kids at a different time? For me I was terrified to come out to my family. They are very open and excepting. However, I was worried because it could be different when it's your parent or spouse.

    However, It is your life, so your timeline and method. No need to rush it.

    I hope it becomes easier. I wish you love and acceptance.

    Warmly,
    Jacqui
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  4. Mysteria

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    That's a good idea. He'd probably prefer email or even text, actually. Still nerve wracking, but doable..
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  5. Mysteria

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I had thought it would be easier face to face, just casually bring it up in conversation. That's what I had the chance to do and I lost it. He asked me who ____________ was and all I would have had to do is say "My girlfriend" instead of "my friend" and it would have been done with. I'm not afraid of a bad reaction, so what's my problem?

    The most frightening thing that might happen....that he might say I can't bring this up to the kids at the risk of losing my visitation rights. I don't think so, but I don't really know him anymore. I want to stagger how I tell my children. My older children I want to come out to in the same way I would an adult. My younger children I want to gradually slip it into conversation like I wanted to with my ex.
     
  6. Regaen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2019
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    Roswell, NM
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, if this is a real fear for you, you can always call in a mediator or schedule a session with a family counselor.

    Is he in charge of the visitation? If it's court ordered he really can't just stop them for no reason. Apparently you don't have an issue with his new gf, after all, he can show you the same courtesy.

    Also, and this might not be the case, but some men are actually relieved when an ex comes out as a lesbian. He won't have to deal with another guy playing daddy, for one, and it stops the little voice asking what that guy had that he didn't, that you'd be with him... When he is a she it's obvious.

    Also, is there some reason he might take it badly? Is he homophobic or religious or something?
     
  7. Mysteria

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    He wouldn't go, unless it was court ordered. One of the reasons our marriage ended was his refusal to engage in any sort of marriage counseling.

    He used to be very religious and homophobic (so was I :frowning2: ) and although I know he's abandoned a lot of those beliefs- for example, he's no longer religious- I don't know how much if any homophobia still remains. I don't think much. In fact, I am about 99% sure that he won't care. I don't think he cares what I do anymore.
     
  8. LaurenSkye

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2012
    Messages:
    1,167
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Cincinnati, OH
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I don't really have any advice for you, but I can say that I know what it's like to chicken out. Though, I've never formally attempted to come out, I frequently chicken out of much less major things.