So, I don't know if this belongs here, but one ex of mine from last summer raped me repeatedly throughout the relationship. Half the time we had sex I didn't want it. I just wanted to sleep. He also made me feel self-conscious about the fact that I'm not bare in the bikini area. Should I report him to the police and get a restraining order even though the whole thing ended over a year ago in September?
I think you can definitely report him even after all this time. Do you have dates, etc? The more details the better but even if they can’t do anything specific about it, it will be on record. Do you fear for your safety with regards to him? Then, yes, go ahead with the restraining order. Whatever you decide, you would probably benefit from speaking to someone about this as it is obviously still causing you grief. Take care of yourself.
I don't have specific dates, but it happened throughout the time we were together. We only dated for 4 1/2 months and the times we were intimate were really only between the end of June and the end of August because he had to go back to school. Part of me doesn't want to ruin his reputation, but he did that to himself by hurting me. I'm not afraid of him anymore, I'm pissed. I want to rip off his heads. Do something to make him feel even a sliver of what I'm going through. Another part of me wants closure. Wants to talk to him and ask why he violated me. But that would reverse all the progress I made in my healing already.
Don’t worry about his reputation. Whatever state that’s in is his responsibility. You’ve only got to look out for your interests. And if that means filing a report on how he treated you, do it. Sadly, I don’t think you can expect any contrition from him as he is obviously a control freak. What you say to him won’t matter as you’ve already seen, unfortunately. But if getting this off your chest will help to continue your healing, you are certainly entitled to do it. Have you been able to talk to someone about your experience? Having someone there on your side would be helpful. Even if it’s just a support group where you get together and vent.
I've talked briefly to my doctor and in slightly more detail to my friends. I know they're on my side. And he is a control freak. How were you able to get that so accurately from just a few sentences?
I’m glad you’ve got local support. When he ignored your lack of consent. He cared more about controlling the situation than your wishes. You’ve got this.
First, I'm so sorry this happened to you. There are a lot of assholes who simply don't respect consent, and often, they manage to find people who have a difficult time holding their boundaries. One question that comes to mind is why you're considering doing this now? Has he continued to contact you? Do you run into him? It's going to be near impossible to get a restraining order if he has not constantly been contacting and bother you *and* you've made it exceptionally clear that you don't want him to contact you. As far as reporting it... if it is important for your own healing to do so, then by all means do that, but you should know that, in general, police don't take reports filed a year after the fact very seriously, because they assume that there is often some underlying, unrelated reason (revenge, angry at ex having new partner, etc) why the ex is now filing the report. And it can be difficult and humiliating to do so, so definitely discuss this with your doctor and/or therapist and consider the impact it might have on you. One other thing I would suggest: An individual with clear, healthy boundaries would have ended the relationship after the first time an unwanted sexual encounter happened. The fact that you continued to put up with repeated violations over a period of time likely indicates that you probably struggle with some worthiness issues in yourself; perhaps you don't believe you deserve to have control of your body, or that you deserve someone who will treat you respectfully. So if this is the case, then you may want to talk with a therapist and work through your own worthiness issues. Otherwise, you are likely to repeat the pattern, because unconsciously, if worthiness is in the way, you will have difficulty attracting the emotionally healthy person you deserve. None of this is fun to deal with, but simply by being here and discussing it, you're taking steps in the right direction, and I hope you'll continue to do so.
Thank you so much for all your advice. The biggest reason I'm just now considering this is because I was in denial. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until early this year that it was actually rape. I guess my biggest justification as for why I put up with it is that he has a high sex drive. I never really have, and it's even lower now. My ex from this year knew all this and he still wanted to breakup with me because he wasn't getting any satisfaction out of being with me. I have a hard time saying no to anyone unless I'm feeling sick. That stemmed from being molested for almost an entire school year in high school. That rapist, though, isn't contacting me at all. He's smart enough to know what "please leave me alone" means. I haven't heard from him in almost a year.
The circumstances being the case, I think you're best off to simply let things lie and not make the report. It is unfortunate, but police are very unlikely to do anything, especially given that it went on repeatedly, apparently with your consent (i.e, you kept putting yourself in the situation where this happened, so they're going to argue that at some level, there was some form of consent). And... please do get help (therapy) to work through the sexual trauma. without doing so, you're likely to continue to have problems in relationships.
Another thing that would help is when I do leave my current job. I met my last two sexes, who are both toxic, at that place. I'm never happy when I'm there unless I have something to look forward to later in the day.
First off, I admire you. Even for seeking help on this forum indicates that you are an extremely brave person. I know I don’t have that courage. I don’t have the experiences that you have had to go through, but I know this: none of this is your fault. It’s all him. Reach out for help, even if it seems hard. I have a hard enough time as it is to ask for help. I know it is scary, but it’s rewarding: validating. As for what I think, or anyone on this forum thinks, you should do - it doesn’t matter. Do what’s best for you. Stay safe, both emotionally and physically. I’m not a law expert, but I do know that people sometimes needs validation, no matter what shape it comes in. I really hope this helps. -Da
