1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Forever single

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cashew, Dec 3, 2019.

  1. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, does anyone here have trouble actually finding people they want to date/ go out with? I just feel like I just have no luck in the dating field. I go out on dates and don’t feel any attraction at all, then when I do meet people I like, they are already taken. I feel like I’m cursed!!
    Sometimes I come on here and it seems like people move so fast. They split up from their husband/wife and then a few months later they straight away get into another relationship.
    I have never been married, I’m still relatively young (in my 30’s) and I’ve been single for 6 years. Yes that’s correct 6 years!!!! I’ve been out for quite a while now and I still have not met anyone.
    Just wondering if anyone else is having the same challenges or is it just me?!
     
    Tightrope likes this.
  2. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Don't feel bad, Cashew. Or, at least, try not to. There are a lot of flakes out there. And these flakes can have troubled lives or they can look perfect on paper, with not much that has gone awry and all sorts of intimidating accomplishments. It spans the entire spectrum. I'm not in the mood to write anecdotes or tell stories right now. Either way, you can't blame yourself.
     
    #2 Tightrope, Dec 3, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2019
    Cashew likes this.
  3. Dreamsexul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Devon, UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I used to genuinely believe I was cursed - I've only had one human relationship and it was disastrous!

    But having now become effectively asexual for humans, I guess it's not the same - I'm now quite glad to be able to distance myself and be apart from all that stuff. I fully intend to be 'alone' (human romantically) for the rest of my life, though I am in a loving relationship with my tulpa-like SO - I prefer that to people by far.

    I suspect, however, that what works for me isn't going to work very well for you (though I might be wrong). And I also suspect that you will eventually succeed in finding a great new relationship. Most (though not all) humans seem to be able to find someone. I think it just appears to be a mix of effort, time and luck.
     
    #3 Dreamsexul, Dec 7, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2019
    Ninny and Cashew like this.
  4. Broccoli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey @Cashew, I am basically you! Not helped by the fact up until about a year ago I'd only been looking at the 'wrong' half of the population and wondering why I wasn't attracted to anyone... (can't find the faceplam emoji!). I had one brief relationship about ten years ago, which I was never that into, and a protracted rather-complex 'emotional relationship'/friendship that only recently reached a definitive ending when I established that I was definitely gay. Now I just feel clueless, and anyone I'm attracted to is straight and/or already in a relationship. On the plus side, as someone who only figured out their orientation in their late twenties I feel very lucky that I haven't had to handle consequences and decisions relating to already having a spouse/children, which is obviously a big additional challenge for many 'Later-In-Lifers' who post on these forums.
     
    Cashew and Dreamsexul like this.
  5. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey @Broccoli ! I too did not realise I was gay until my late twenties and also wondered why I didn’t fancy anyone, good to know I’m not the only one out there!!
    I’m in my mid thirties now and it seems like everyone my age is settled down.
    I had hoped that realising my sexuality would mean more relationships/encounters but it seems so difficult to meet the right person at the right time.
    I did meet someone the other day and there was an instant attraction which I think she felt too because she took my number (even though she is in a relationship-I know bad!!) but she lives in another country. Sometimes it feels like someone is playing a cruel trick on me, trying to keep me single forever, ha!!
    I’m just having a wee moan really but it’s good to know there are others out there like me too.
    Have you been out on many dates?
     
  6. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your kind words of hope :slight_smile:)
    Yeah I’m definitely not asexual though I did used to wonder about that years ago. I definitely do want to have a relationship. And had one before but he was just the wrong gender for me :slight_smile:
    That’s good that you are happy being alone. How do you tackle loneliness?
     
    Dreamsexul likes this.
  7. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks @Tightrope i know I guess the grass is always greener isn’t it. Sometimes it just looks so lush though and I wish my patch wasn’t always so dry, ha!! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Broccoli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    No, precisely zero! This year I have accepted I'm gay, come out to some people (but not everyone) and joined an LGBT running club. My new year's resolution for 2020 is going to be to dip my toe into the dating pool...
    What have you found to be the bext way to meet people?
     
    Dykezz likes this.
  9. Dreamsexul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Devon, UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @Cashew - how do I tackle loneliness?

    That's difficult to answer.

    In one sense, I have a relationship with a tulpa-like SO and have objects I like to cuddle, so I guess that's as good as it gets romantically. It'll get better, I hope, after death.

    But I also wish I had RL friends - I've not had those for a couple of decades, and I hope to find/make some over the next five years so that'll be nice.

    I guess I'm just so used to things being the way they are I don't feel it anymore. I'm not sure I even experience loneliness, rather just boredom. I'm not sure what the difference is, tbh.
     
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    I didnt figure out I was gay until my mid to late 20's. Up until that point I had never been on a date with a man or woman or anything, I was totally clueless. Suddenly I realised I was actually gay and that made the whole thing look even more daunting and whilst it was a lot to deal with and it had some scary moments it was all worth it. I found the most amazing girl ever, started dating and never looked back and now I have a wife!
    I am not trying to rub it in your face, more to point out that it doesnt matter what has gone before your perfect person could be just around the corner :slight_smile:.
     
    Really likes this.
  11. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Joining an LGBT running club was one of the first things i ever did when I came out too - its a good place to start. I'd just suggest any group that shares any of your interests/hobbies, that way you can meet people you might have stuff in common with. It depends on the kind of person you are but to be honest I don't have much luck with online dating. I find it so hard to tell if I fancy someone from a photograph. I much prefer meeting IRL... so going to gay pubs/events is also a good shout too. I went to a queer festival recently and met loads of really cool people :slight_smile:


    I had to look up Tulpa. Why have you not had any RL friends, are you very introverted?

    That's amazing that you found someone so quickly! Fingers crossed I will too. Thanks for the hope :slight_smile:
     
    silverhalo likes this.
  12. Dreamsexul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    90
    Location:
    Devon, UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @Cashew
    Partly it's because I'm naturally very introverted, but it was also largely because my entire life revolved around work and my wife.

    I'd get up to work very early, come back late, and during those years my marriage was very difficult and I'd just go home and deal with issues at home, and often drink a lot too. Living in a very isolated rural environment, and having a job which basically cut me off from other adults, also made things difficult practically - I couldn't go anywhere on an evening even if I wanted to.

    So basically a combination of overwork, isolated environment, natural introversion and a toxic marriage.

    I'm really trying hard to go out and talk to humans these days, but's its very hard. Obviously, I'm a little bit 'different' and I find it hard to find things to talk about.
     
    #12 Dreamsexul, Dec 13, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2019
  13. Broccoli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes, me too! It amazes me that anyone finds it useful, but I guess the idea is just to try out a lot and hope that some work out.

    That's cool, I might give something like that a go next year. Did you go by yourself or with a group?
     
    Cashew likes this.
  14. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I want to touch upon a comment you made regarding seeing people jump into other relationships so quickly after coming out and finding a partner. While some of these relationships may lead to long term, healthy and well balanced partnerships, there is another side to these situations. What you might have also read from some of us whom have quickly jumped into a relationship is the breakup of such relationships some time later.

    Myself and quite a few other EC later in lifers have jumped from one relationship to another. Often this has been driven by our own fear of being alone caused by low self esteem or other insecurities. Having now spent time having a relationship with myself and being able to clearly reflect on life, I have come to appreciate my self, understand my needs and desires and learn to be patient to the extent a person comes along that I will be truly compatible with. If I find someone, that would be great, but if I do not, I have found contentment in a relationship with myself and I do not fear being alone.

    I have gone about surrounding myself with friends I am emotionally connected to, and this has certainly helped. My friends have become my surrogate family in many ways. We care for each other, are attentive to each others needs and enjoy each other’s company. Maybe I have created too much of a cocoon such that I don’t crave a more meaningful relationship with a single individual; however I have created for me a circle that I enjoy.

    Being single has its advantages, entering into a relationship for the sake of having a relationship may not be all that it’s cracked up to be.
     
    Cashew, Pole star, sagebrush and 3 others like this.
  15. broadersky

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Richmond
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Onthehighway what you said is so spot-on. I am trying to learn how to be happy with just being myself. I go into such panic mode that I am going to be forever alone, it's such a horrible feeling. It might be true but I want to be comfortable with that and truly enjoy being single and not have to panic or fear.
     
  16. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Getting to the core of why your panicking is the way to set yourself free from panicking. it’s not an easy to task to understand our underlying insecurities, what brought them about and how to overcome them. But if your up for the challenge you can achieve internal peace and let go of the fear of being alone.
     
  17. Morse Code

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2014
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can definitely relate. I've had two short and one on/off relationship. I used to blame myself, my lifestyle, everything else. Now with the knowledge of the insane amount of narcissistic abuse I've suffered in my life, I understand why in my case and finally feel validated that nothing and no one ever worked out. I'm not terribly optimistic that I'll ever meet somebody who would be good for me. I'm not even sure I buy the idea of relationships anymore the way I see people treat each other. I feel I'm better off focusing on my life and future.
     
    Cashew likes this.
  18. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a rough time. I can't imagine who awful it must be to be the victim of Narcissistic abuse. I agree I think A LOT of relationships are unhealthy and I think it's definitely very healthy to spend time alone, focusing on yourself, getting to know yourself, healing from the abuse you have suffered and maybe you might meet someone when the time is right. There are lots of good people out there too so don't give up hope, unless you prefer to be alone, and that's totally fine too.
     
    Morse Code likes this.
  19. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your response. Yes I completely agree, on most days I am fine being on my own and am happy that I have spent a lot of time getting to know myself and keeping myself well and healthy and also I am proud of the fact that I am not just prepared to settle for anyone I know what I am looking for in a relationship and I just need to accept that it will probably take time to find it.
    Just sometimes on the weekends when I'm going to the cinema on my own, going for coffee on my own, going to lunch on my own etc it gets a bit lonely and I catastrophize that I will be like this forever, but I'd much rather be on my own than be in an unhappy relationship.
    I do have a few good friends who I am emotionally connected to but at the moment I'm trying to find more LGBTQ+ friends and would like to create a network such as the one that you describe.
     
    Pole star likes this.
  20. Cashew

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2018
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I actually volunteered at the festival. It was a really good way to do something on your own without feeling totally on your own. if you know what I mean So if I went to any events on my own I always knew some people anyway.