Hi everyone, English is not my first language, so I will try my best to convey my question to the best of my ability and sorry for any bad grammar. One thing I should say that I am somewhat contradict myself in a lot of ways, so my apologies if things are contradict one another. I am 27(M). I've been trying to figure out my sexuality ever since I started to notice these feelings that I sometimes feel for male and female. I have never dated anyone if ever. So a trip to the past. For me I do not particularly remember about my childhood much as I was not an active child nor had a lot of friends in that regards, I just sort of am and operate as I see fit day to day (which still happens to this day) so I never actively notice my feelings for whether I like girls or boys. Which brings to the point that I could consider myself as straight but I never put much thoughts into it until HS. Once high schools starts and then proceed to University, this is the time period that I started to notice these feelings that I am experiencing. I think during my time in high school the amount of people that I like was possibly around 3-4 people, 1 of them was a guy the rest was female. Other than that I wasn't particularly out and open to hangout with other people outside of school. Similarly during my University timeline, I have crushes here and there, I did like one guy and this sort of emotion "like" that I feel it proceeded me to start fantasizing about him, hugging/dating him etc, one thing I should mention is that this is the second time I actually felt this strongly about anyone. There weren't any girls that I actually like in my University life as I was mostly focus on my study and didn't join any clubs or activities which I actually regret not participating. I went through my school years relatively free of any bullies. I am somewhat very selective in whom I want to be friends with, and likewise with who I am interesting in dating. I won't deny that I can tell whether a guy is attractive or not, and similar whether the girls is attractive or not. As I sat down and start to analyse about these crushes/feelings that I have experienced in the past, one thing that I found consistent is that I like their physical attributes first so you could say the physical attraction, which initiates the process of these fantasies. But as I go on and know the person if the personality of the person isn't interesting enough capture me I start to lose interest in those people. The thing is that I found myself not gross out at the idea of embracing the person or having sex if I feel strongly enough about the person. I generally don't like conflict as much and prefer harmony in any situation such as workplace or household. Household plays a part for why I want harmony in my life more than anything as I grew up in a family that we don't really share any feelings with each other, me and my sister we rarely talk unless necessary which actually made us clash often, and likewise with my parents though me and my parents we don't clash that often. All of my grandparents passed away before I turned 18 so I didn't have time to connect with them as much as I'd like to because two of them lived across the globe, and the grandparents in Canada I didn't have chance to meet much if at all so I couldn't build any relationship with them. I've never shared any of these feelings with my parents, though they questioned whether I have girlfriends or not, more so my mom than my dad. She tried to set me up but I generally felt indifference just as I don't care about it unless it's someone I personally chosen and get to know. In the grand scheme of things such as who do I want to spend the rest of my life with. For this, I usually don't care about who as long as I feel I can be myself around them, and there is something mutual that connects us as I rarely able to share my deepest feelings to anyone no matter how close they are to me. I guess this is an iteration, I have never been in a relationship nor go on a date for the past 27 years of my life as I don't feel the particular needs or any serious spark that I feel I can pursue. Though I'm not sure if this is valid or not, I did Kinsey quiz in the past and I scored a relative middle score (ie. 3). I guess the bottom line is that I don't mind what my sexuality is. But at times I feel no sexual desire toward anyone as I looked up attractive people in magazines whether hot guy or girls, I feel nothing. This is sort of like yea I can see that they are attractive, but I don't get why people are going mad over them like wanting to sleep with them, for me I feel repulsive by being intimate with a person that I don't trust or not in love with though I like hugs. After pondering about this issue for years, I feel that I am starting to lose myself as I cannot properly discover myself because I keep having these thoughts one time yea I like girls, and then the next time I don't like them as much, and likewise for guys. Again, sorry for the long post, and if it doesn't feel as cohesive then I apologise . What do you guys think about my situation, was it the not dating nor in relationship for 27 years have me questioned my sexuality? Or was it that I have these contradicting thoughts that messing up my mind? I know that I am not straight that's for sure, but am I bisexual? Thank you for reading, any thoughts/advice would be welcomed.
Hi, bmdoan! Maybe it’s been some time after you posted this, or maybe you won’t see my reply. But I hope I can help with my advice! I’m not a native English speaker either, so, sorry if I make any mistakes, haha. As I see the issue, there’s actually a lot of possibilities here. First, have you considered being demisexual? As you said before, you don’t mind about your sexuality or your sexual desire, and you’re quite selective with the people you want to be attracted to. The phrase ''I feel repulsive by being intimate with a person that I don't trust or not in love with'' sound a lot like a demisexual person. In case you don’t know, demisexuality is about not feeling a sexual attraction unless you have a strong bond with someone, and you’ve known them in a deeper way. For more info, there's an article on Healthline called ''What Does Demisexual Mean? 17 FAQs About Sex, Attraction, More'' that may be very helpful about the matter! In a second note, there’s also the possibility that you can truly be a bisexual as you’ve been thinking. This sexual desire of wanting boys or girls from time to time doesn’t have to mean you’re less bisexual than anybody. There are bisexual and pansexual people who, even when liking more than one gender, they can have periods where they like or prefer one gender over others. For example, as a pansexual person, there are some moments that I feel myself more attracted to boys, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like a girl or a non-binary person, or whoever it may be. I know some bisexuals who prefer boys rather than girls or vice versa, but it’s always fluctuating and that’s not bad; that’s awesome! Don’t feel bad for not being able to be consistent about it. As a pansexual person myself, as I said, I’m always fluctuating about my likings; but that doesn’t mean I can’t like other genders too. So, don’t worry about it! Finally, there’s also this weird and mixed probability that you’re both at the same time! And if you ask how could that be possible? You may be a biromantic demisexual! That is, to be demisexual but experimenting sexual attraction only for women and men. It’s a possibility that’s always there, but, my biggest advice about this would be: Don’t worry about it too much. There are multiple labels out there, and they’re not necessarily bad because we people need them for us to find where we belong or who we are; but if you think that finding a label is stressing you out… Don’t worry about thinking who you could possibly be. When I was younger, I always knew for an instance that I wasn’t straight, but then I struggled with the idea of being bisexual for a loooong time. And then I found the label of pansexuality, and I didn’t understand it a lot at first… But then I found out it was my thing: it was the right word that worked and still works for me. My gender identity has been another story that’s even sorting itself out right now; but my advice is to not let yourself finding confused. If you want to be a demisexual, a bisexual, a biromantic demisexual or whatever you want to be, don’t let it be a standard. You’re the one who can choose the label you feel more comfortable with. Not even the Kinsey Quiz can tell who you are if you don’t feel like it. I mean, if you agree with the results, go on! And if you disagree, go on then! You’re the only one who can understand and decide who you are. Seeing how your family is kind of distant, I strongly recommend that you try to not talk the issue with them. I know, a lot of people may talk about coming out or trying to tell your feelings to your family; but as a person who has grown in a family torn apart by the years, I know that sometimes they just may not care about your feelings or just do more harm than good. If the situation with your sister has got worse by the years, if you live alone and don’t care about their opinions on the matter; then don’t try to include them when it’s about your feelings. If you feel that they must know about how you feel and your sexuality, then go ahead and try to come out in the right moment and in the right circumstances. But if you’re not so close, then don’t feel pressured either to talk about your sexuality with them. If you haven’t wanted to date someone since they need to be the right person, then don’t feel bad for being 27 and not having dated anyone yet. I have a friend of mine who’s actually 23, he’s never even kissed or liked someone, but he is totally sure that he’s gay, and he doesn’t need someone else to come to that conclusion. But, you can also be the kind of person who needs to experiment and try to reach a conclusion. If that’s the case, try to experiment dating people who you can actually like and don’t feel pressured by your age or your sexuality to understand this. You can date a lot of people and may not notice what’s your sexuality yet, or you can never be with someone and know for sure who you are. As I said, what, a million times before in this reply? Don’t. Worry. About. It. It’s just a matter of time, and you don’t have a deadline to find the right answer. It will come when it’s needed. No matter who you may eventually be, it will still be you but with new colors to define who you are, and that’s amazing! Hope my advice can be of any help, I please ask you to tell me how your process has been going. I hope you can eventually be happy with yourself, and I’ll be truly glad to hear that! Warm regards, Feli R. ♠
I think you would learn more about yourself as you experience more - relationships, dates, sexual and romantic experiences. Some people need to experience things in order to reach a conclusion. Remember that labels are not essential. It’s okay not to have a label for yourself or not fit in neatly into any specific category. It might take time, but you’ll eventually find your conclusion. Take care.
