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I just... Need some advice about my gender...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Feli, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Feli

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    Well... This is kinda hard for me to tell. I'm sorry in advance if I make any mistake writing this, I'm not a native English speaker. But... I'll go ahead and try my best.

    This may sound a little silly, but, some time ago I started working on a videogame as a method to keep me entertained. Working on it, I started making a character who's non-binary (yeah, I'm trying to make the game as diverse and open-minded as possible). The problem is... Creating them made me think a lot about me. I wished so hard to be like them, and not because of the personality of the character, but rather because of their non-binary gender. And that waked up a lot of thoughts about me.

    A lot of times before I've struggled with the fact of being considered a male. Due to my pansexuality (a thing that I've been able to accept and come out to almost everyone), almost all my close friends have joked calling me ''gurl'' or ''why are you all men like this?'' in a very friendly way, but... It just doesn't feel right to me. Some years ago, when I was younger (I'm actually almost 20 lol, but, you get the idea), I even loved the idea of dressing with ''female'' clothes; using skirts or make-up. I've actually never wore any of them, but I've wanted it all my life. The problem is... I don't feel like a girl either. The idea of being a woman doesn't feel like it suits me. And this thing of feeling like a boy (for example, my boyfriend calling me ''his prince'' or ''his man'') makes me... Uncomfortable.

    I think that this all may sound a little silly and stupid... Maybe some of you may think that all my reasons are stupid or not worthy of it? But... I think that I'm liking the idea of being a non-binary person. Thing is, I don't know how to figure it out.

    There's this side of me that tells me that it's way too late to figure it out my gender identity. The other side tells me that my reasons aren't strong enough... And, I don't know what to do... I feel confused and lost... And I don't mean to offense anybody for what I said; but that's my case.

    I've even have problems thinking about my pronouns due to the fact that, in spanish, we don't have a neutral pronoun; and when we're talking about plural things, we use the male one over the female. Some people recently have tried to go on and make a pronoun who can be inclusive to non-binary people; but a lot of people laughs about it (and I know for sure that some people like my employer would just laugh at my face for it)... So, most people would just go away and treat me as a male.

    I don't know what to do about all this... But if someone can help me, preferably someone who's non-binary... I'd be very grateful... And sorry for being so silly with all this, haha.
     
  2. Benway

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    Well, I'm not exactly non-binary, but I do struggle with my gender identity, but I'll talk more about that in a minute. To me it sounds like you're someone who really enjoys dressing up in women's clothes, or at least thinking about dressing up in women's clothes. But at the same time you said you don't feel like a girl. I don't know too much about the non-binary spectrum, but maybe you could go somewhere safe like a gay bar or something in women's clothes? I'm not telling you to perform in a drag show or anything, but at least you could experience the feeling of being out there in women's clothes. On the other hand, the feelings you're experiencing definitely are in line with what I guess some people would call "non-binary." In English, we don't have a gender neutral pronoun, either, all we have is the plural "they," and much like in your case, some people in America and the English-speaking world have tried to make their own pronouns like "xe/xir" but most people laugh at them, because frankly, they're laughable. English isn't the most eloquent language in the world, I'm not saying it can't be elegant, but it lacks a lot. Also, you're what, 19? That's not too old to do something about your gender identity.

    Anyway, I struggle with my gender identity, too. But for me, it's in a binary fashion. I was born a male, have lived my whole life as a male, but long to be female. But I'm not the kind of person who would transition. Especially not at my age. I think I'd look at myself in the mirror if I were to transition to female and laugh, but not in a good way. Besides, I have several underlying mental health issues that would prevent me from getting even to the hormone therapy stage of treatment. In my country they really don't want anyone to transition and go to great lengths to stopping it from happening for anybody. Only a select few actually get surgery because of the rigorous tests they put you through beforehand. I believe there's even a stipulation in the United States where you have to live a full year as the gender you want to be before they'll even think about letting you transition. Believe me, part of me has considered transitioning, but I don't think I have the wherewithal to pass the tests in question due to my own mental illnesses. I don't really experience gender dysphoria anyway. I just think the tapestry of my life would have unwound in a way that made more sense to me if I had been born a woman.

    Back to you, like I said, I don't have the firmest grasp on non-binary issues. I know that British playwright and creator of "The Rocky Horror Show" Richard O'Brien sometimes considers himself "third gender" and has even gone through hormone therapy. He considers himself to be "seventy percent male and thirty percent female," and he has a wife and children! He lives in New Zealand, now and had trouble moving there due to some sort of gender issue, but with the help of his fans, he obtained permanent residence. David Bowie is another example of someone one might call third gender, or at least, he portrayed non-binary characters when performing. The same can be said of shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, especially in "The Dope Show" (which rocks, by the way). So maybe take a look into the non-binary culture and see what feels right. There's a movie I like called "God Told Me To" about a man who doesn't realize he's actually third gender and he's investigating aliens. It's not an easy movie to find, but if you can find a copy, definitely check it out. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you, I'm sorry. I've tried to be as helpful as I can, but like I said, I'm pretty binary, myself.
     
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  3. Dreamsexul

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    Hi Feli :slight_smile:

    It sounds to me like you fall somewhere under the gender non-conforming umbrella. I use the term genderqueer as it covers a range of options, and keeps things vague as I try to understand myself better.

    I suggest that you try a few things, like simple cross-dressing or adding some femme clothes - nail polish, unisex tees, bracelets, ear rings etc. Watch some 'gender-bending' TV/films, like The Rocky Horror Picture Show or Ru Paul's Drag Race - and see what, if anything, resonates with you or sparks a connection.

    You can also explore relevant youtube channels that talk about gender issues, like Vera Wylde:



    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Dreamsexul, Dec 11, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2019
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  4. Jacqui H

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    Hi Feli,

    How are? Welcome to the site. Benway and Dreamsexul have given you some good suggestions.

    I'm transgender MTF. I live in New York state(not the city) in the US. I'm in my mid 50s now. My oldest child(assigned female at birth) started using they/them pronouns a few years ago and came out as non-binary. They are a professional writing and publishing major and claim that they/them actually can be used in singular cases. As in, when you don't know the person you are talking about and the name tells you nothing, it is proper to refer to them as they or them. So, while it is a little awkward to most english speakers it kind of makes sense. The interesting thing about Xe/Xir is that I think it was spelled differently and was a German use that was adopted and changed. There is a whole mess of info on a blog site that I think is called gender free blog.


    I think when we find out things about ourselves, gender identity, sexual orientation, and romantic definitions, we become so focused on it and defining it that we stuggle to come up with the right words and terms. Ultimately though, I think we sometimes end up putting too much importance on labeling ourselves and others. I mean, there are some pretty fine lines among genderqueer, non-binary, gender fluid and many others. To the people who use the terms it is a very important definitioin that places themselves firmly in a place they belong. I
    think people who are not familiar with the rapidly changing vocabulary of the LGBTQ+ community may find, it bewildering. Not that they shouldn't learn it to support friends and family that may identify along those lines.

    I'm kind of just going off now. Sorry. I hope it makes sense when you shift it back into Spanish(I assume that is your language from your reference to Chile). My apoligies if I am wrong. Your English is very clear.

    Age wise, I guess I am landing on the other side of Benway's personal choices. I didn't have the words for what I am growing up. I just knew that people would not like it(having been caught trying on my Mom and sister's cloths at different points). I fought with it. It comes back stronger every time you think you are beyond it (if you do experience dysphoria). So, I finally accepted myself at 50. I know I could not recognize myself in the mirror for years. So, once I started transitioning, I started seeing myself for the first time. It has been such a relief. Bottom line is that I think no one is too old to accept a truth about themselves. If it doesn't make you suffer, then fine, move on.

    I think you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him(them) how it makes you feel when you are gendered in a binary way. "When you call me(fill in the blank) it makes me feel(fill in the blank). If they are truly your partner, they will care about your feelings. Even if you can't put it into clear words. Come as close as you can.

    I also think the world is moving closer to accepting transgender people. I am sure there are people who laugh at and don't understand me(my two brother in-laws for example). However, eventually your boss will have to accept it. Perhaps there is someone else in the company, higher up, who is LGBTQ+? Maybe they can push for training like many places do for sexual harassment?

    There are a lot of non-binary people around now. "Normal" folks and celebrities. Benway mentioned some. Eddie Izzard, a comic/performer/politician from England. A number of pop singers. More and more actors. I have noticed a lot of non-binary students at the college where I spend part of my time teaching and designing sound. My oldest I referred is dating a (oddly enough) game design major who is enby(non-binary). Although they identify as gender fluid or gender queer.

    Experiment at home. Try women's clothes. Try Women's and men's clothes together. Try make up. Try looking as androgynous as possible. Try things and see what resonates with you. What works and makes you feel right. Your are young enough to try several spots along the gender spectrum. Try to enjoy it and don't get too stressed out about it.

    Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

    With warmth,

    Jacqui
     
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  5. Feli

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    Well... I want to start thanking all of you. Oh my, today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. And, with all the messages I've received from you... I thank you all for what you've said.

    My family isn't prone to the idea of me wearing something feminine, but, I think I could give it a try with my friends. And... I understand being unable to transition due to mental health issues. God, I'm an aspie myself and I struggle to find everything easier for me.

    I love all your recommendations about media! I started looking up for the movie God Told Me To. The story of Richard O'Brien seems like something so lovely to me...

    Also, I loved the video of Vera Wylde. It was so helpful I couldn't stop crying after watching it, haha. Some of Vera's words hit me hard, so hard that I've started to think a lot that I may really be non-binary, and that's not a bad thing even if it's for a time. Also, I'm loving all of her/his (I think Vera is gender fluid?) videos!

    So, I'm very very thankful to both, Benway and Dreamsexul, for your suggestions and advices! ♥

    And as for Jacqui, I'm so thankful for the info from your child's book! I'm so envy now that we Spanish speakers can't use some non-binary pronouns like they/them or xe/xir, haha. And I do think that labels are important for some people. As for myself, I think that I need them to know where to belong, haha...

    In Spanish, we don't have any non-binary pronoun. So, we can't even use something similar to they/them to make reference to a non-binary person, and the problem is that, most of the time, the male pronoun is preferred over the female one. Some people have to create one (called Elle), but as I said, a lot of people make fun of it as they think that we're fine with using the male pronoun for it instead.

    I think that I haven't experienced dysphoria, or, at least, not at a very strong level... But I'm so happy someone could find herself at the age of 50. The advice of no one is too old to accept a truth about themselves really hit me hard too, haha (actually, I just joted it down in my planner as my phrase-of-the-day, haha. I swear I'll give credits for it).

    I've tried to talk to my boyfriend and I think that he understood it very well. Truly, I appreciate the advice of trying to be direct with him about it! ♥

    I'm so sorry for the situation with your brothers in-laws... But, in my case, I don't work for any company. I think it's kind of a mess to explain it; but my boss is actually a professor at a very recognized university here in my country. I work as his assistant, making classes, teaching some lessons for him, helping him with his investigations, making exams, and choosing grades for the students. The thing is, even when our university is totally liberal and free about it, my boss is well known for being part of the right-wing. And due to his profession, he is very... Closed-minded. Heck, even one time he laughed about pansexuality (he doesn't know about my sexuality yet) saying that ''he couldn't understand how people could be so stupid to believe that there are more than two genders, and that some people think that they're megasexual or something weird like that for it''. Since I need the job and I enjoy it (besides his political views and words), I try to not care about what he says. However, the thing is, when it's about my pronouns and how he treats me, it has recently started to make me feel... Uncomfortable.

    I didn't knew about Eddie Izzard before, but I started searching their name up on Google due to this. When I look at their picture... Something weird and warm sparkles inside me, telling me that I heavily long to be like them.

    I've even started to believe that maybeeeee I can be what some call a ''demi-boy'' inside the non-binary spectrum. As I saw all your messages and some support from my friends (today I made my issue kind of public, and even when I didn't expect it, everyone was so supportive and encouraged me to be whoever I want to be), really, really helped me a lot. Maybe I'm still trying to figure out who I am... But all your help has been very helpful.

    Thank you to all three of you, from the bottom of my heart!
     
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  6. fairyboy64

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    Hi Feli! It's nice to meet you.
    I just read through this whole thread. I'm an aspie too, and in a very similar situation, where I want to let myself be more feminine, like I feel that I am on the inside. I'm around your age as well, but I haven't really been "out" about it at all. I'm fortunate to be able to use they/them pronouns for myself, however I understand how difficult it can be to not have a gender neutral pronoun. I also speak French, and the language has the same difficulty. Personally, when I speak French, I like to drop the pronoun, and use a proper noun instead. I know that in Spanish, you can just drop the pronoun entirely. That might be really helpful for you and your friends!
    Also, your last point, about falling under "demi-boy" might be true for either of us. I usually list my pronouns as "he or they", even now while I'm not out about it. Although I don't see myself going around telling everyone "Hi, I'm a demi-boy!" because that might sound confusing to the average person. I'd say that "I'm non-binary", and if they ask what type of non-binary I am, I'd say "demi-boy". But that's just my current preference, you're free to find what sounds right for you.
    I'm also really really curious about wearing girls' clothing! Have you tried girls' ankle socks? That's about all I've been able to try on, but I love them! I'm planning on getting some for myself soon. I also want to try panties and boyshorts, but I need an opportunity to try them, and a place to hide them while I'm still in the closet. I also just had a really nice little thread where I got advice about places to try on girls' clothing, but it might not work the same in Chile. Anyway, I've got to get going, but keep in touch! I really think we can learn a lot from each other.
    Best of luck!
     
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  7. Feli

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    Hi, fairyboy64! Actually, before anything I want to say that I'm glad to find someone who is like me. For a moment I thought that I would never find someone who feels the way I do. It’s so nice to know that there’s other people who are non-binary and aspie like me. Like, I supposed there was someone who was in the same situation, but I never thought I’d hear of it. It’s so nice to find someone who can give you an advice from that perspective…

    In Spanish is kind of a mess to use a neutral pronoun. But hey, you French speakers have it rougher! I’ll try to take your advice, tho, haha

    Omg, I’m so happy to know that you’re a demi-boy too! But I think just like you: I’m a non-binary person , but when they want to know the specific kind of non-binary person I am, I’ll go ahead and try to explain them that I’m a demi-boy

    Oooohhh! I never thought of it that way! Now that you mention it, ''girly'' socks may be my own way to start, haha. Sometimes I even have look at stores and wanting to buy them, and now I think I can give me that kind of little pleasure!

    I’m so sorry that you’re still in the closet ☹ . Here in Chile people have mixed views about the issue, but there are some stores or places that help with it. Anyway, I’d love to see that thread anyway!

    I hope that I can know about you some other time! Feel free to talk to me and discuss the issue of being a demi-boy, haha. And, as you said, I really hope we can eventually learn a lot from each other. You seem like a nice person! ♥

    Best of luck for you too! Have a nice day when you read this!