My BF and I just celebrated living together for 2 years and knowing each other 3 years. I was married to a woman then divorced and with a live in GF for 2 years before embracing being gay.since then I have lived as 100% gay man openly. My BF has been gay his whole life. Absolutely no experience with women. Our relationship is more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. Emotionally and sexually I have never been happier. Recently in one of our introspective moods we discussed if we ever wanted to marry. For me marriage would seem like accepting the societal norm that marriage equals the approved path to follow. Some of my gay friends tell me marrying my BF is the final definitive step in divorcing myself from any heterosexual connection and totally embracing my homosexuality. However I am not interested in making statements. I feel and my BF feels the same that traditional marriage is slowly becoming outdated. In the years to come I don’t see the popularity of marriage increasing. Less and less straight couples feel the need, why should gay couples. A piece of paper from the government nor some quasi religious authority has any power over who I choose to bond with and stay with. There are certainly legal methods to protect our relationship outside of getting married. I just find the whole marriage issue , like outmoded ideas on same sex relationships so old fashion and lacking in meaning today. Any ideas of this matter?
Hey @Contented My wife and I had this same conversation 35 years ago. We decided not to get married because we felt it was "just a piece of paper". We were pressured into formalizing the partnership by our families. So, we got married. I still don't feel it means anything. You stand in front of people and make vows that you are to follow the rest of your life. Yet, we all change and maybe those vows should change too. And, our marriage is not traditional, in any sense, anyway. We have completely separate finances, no kids, and a semi-open relationship. Yet, we will never break our partnership which is founded on trying to support the other person in all things that life tosses our way. I don't know a lot of married people that are as devoted as we are. I think it comes down to how you feel you need to express your love for your boyfriend more than anything. For some, that promise is everything. For other, my wife and myself, the promise binds nothing. Our love is what binds. My brother and his husband married. I think, partly, it was a statement that said "FU society". There is some value in that.
I don't think marriage is outmoded but maybe more people are thinking twice since it is a more serious commitment. It also has benefits along with the responsibilities such as health insurance for a spouse, social security and survivor benefits, the right to keep your confidences private even in court, alimony and inheritance rights.
Marriage should, IMHO, be a personal choice entirely divorced from legal/state elements, entered into for symbolic, religious or personal reasons. I dislike the state providing incentives for certain unions and outlawing others.
I know a couple of women who got married once it became legal, at first thinking they wouldn’t but then discovering certain benefits would no longer be provided by their employers if they were just “partners.” So they got married. I know a couple guys who didn’t want to. But mostly I’ve met folks who want to.
When my wife and I got married, there was something strongly reassuring about having friends and family come from near and far to help us seal the commitment. That was us. Maybe it's not for everyone.
A few thoughts ... You refer to your BF as "BF" rather than "partner". Does it make sense to cross that bridge before considering marriage? Marriage is more of a legal arrangement, as @justaguyinsf points out. Personally I'm in no hurry to remarry. If I were, I would consult with my divorce attorney to understand the implications. For example, how would this impact my estate (assuming you have children from a previous marriage)? Having said this, it seems to me that you've already decided where you fall on the marriage issue...
Siennafire, I do struggle with the term BF however partner sounds like a business arrangement which we certainly are not! Husband denotes married which we are not and mostly likely never will be. In every real sense of word except legally however he is my husband and I his.
My fiancé and I struggled with this also (I have two threads about it floating around). For him, it was something he wanted. So he planned this elaborate proposal and everything. Of course I said yes — even if it was what I would consider to be a non-issue. Since then the idea has grown on me.
I dislike marriage because it's such an overblown hassle. So much pomp and circumstance and planning just to make promises that, let's be honest, are severely tested in a marriage. You're bound together. Changing names means so much paperwork. Then there's things like taxes, finances, benefits, things like that. It's just exhausting to even consider, especially when if you really care about the other person, what good does marriage even do? It's an antiquated custom of marrying families together, usually for the personal gain of one or more members of the family. The idea isn't a joyous union, but a trap designed to benefit some and usually left the participants miserable. If you want some of the 'benefits' of marriage without the actual marriage, just get engaged. Less legal mess but then you can call yourselves fiance or husband and no one can naysay it.
I agree. I think the law should stay out of it. For many years I worked two jobs to pay the debts of my wife and to sock away extra money for my retirement. Until last year, she never worked. Now that we are separated (I even waited to leave until she had a job) and getting divorced, she gets half -- half of what my parents left me (since it was "comingled"), half of everything extra I put away while working night and day, and all of her debts are paid. She got a free ride for most of her life and now gets half of my life savings.
I like the idea that if I ever kill anyone, my husband can't be compelled to testify against me... Other stuff too.
Well, I like to think he wouldn't be a co-conspirator or consciously benefit from the proceeds of the crime. But seriously I'm just glad if I die he can inherit my retirement assets without them going into RMD.
