I need help with my relationship tendencies

It sounds like you are open to dealing with issues that relate to your self-esteem (feeling abandoned by your father and that you may be abandoned by your boyfriend) and your tendency to immerse yourself in jealousy. This makes me optimistic for you. I fear that jealousy can be a kind of subconscious sabotage of the relationship, so I suggest your need to explore what is the foundation for all those painful fantasies and dreams of him cheating on you.

Since he's "great with communication and being understanding" (congratulations on finding someone like that), exploring these issues with him (if you haven't already) may be very productive. If you withhold dealing with your fear, pain, and jealousy, it will, as you said, be toxic for your relationship. Building trust from the start of a relationship is very important and worth the work it takes.

I had a boyfriend who was intensely jealous. I took it to mean that he wanted to own or control me, though he thought jealousy was an expression of love. Also, I suspected that he felt that he wasn't worthy of happiness and a good relationship. I was helpless in trying to convince him that I wasn't secretly cheating on him. The "evidence" he produced was astonishing sometimes. It was painful to see how his jealousy hurt him. Unfortunately, our relationship didn't survive.

You can help yourself see that you are worth being loved by learning to love yourself. When you start feeling bad about yourself, do something to affirm yourself as worthy. Tell your boyfriend what you're feeling and try to explore why you feel that way. When you're feeling bad there are other things to do to show yourself you love yourself: Call a close friend, have a hot bath with scented candles and smooth jazz, buy a new shirt, go to a nice restaurant, hug yourself, cry ... I'm sure others will have some good suggestions for you.

I truly hope you can work your issue out, love yourself, and grow in love with your boyfriend.

 

I can't express this enough, therapy can do you a world of good. Clearly you have abandonment issues and low self esteem. You clearly don't want to sabotage this relationship, and it seems like you have a good man. I'd say, if he's good at communicating, then explain your situation. Tell him that you have these behaviors, and then make plans including him to get over it.

I know you probably feel some shame over these tendencies, most do. Don't hide from them. If you don't explain to your man, then how is he supposed to take it when all of a sudden you do something that, to him, is out of character, like going off over his ex or something? It would ruin your relationship when if he knows these things, he can take it differently.

One last thought. A lot of children feel guilty because of things their parents do. It's normal, but it's also wrong. What your father did was because of issues he had in his own life- maybe he had something to escape, and fell too deep, maybe he had a screwed up childhood, maybe he just got hooked at a party one night, who knows. But whatever his reasons were he never got the guts and determination to pull himself out, and that is not on you. No one stops using drugs for their parents, or children, or what have you. They might take a break for those reasons, but recovery is a long and painful process and if it isn't done for yourself first and foremost, it isn't done. Your father's issues were his own, and had nothing to do with you, or your mother.

I have this friend, who was born legally blind. His mother drinks, she's a total lush, and she loves to blame her alcohol problem on the troubles she had raising him. Some people even believe her. But in my case, I call bull every time she starts. For one, she was drinking while she was pregnant, heck that probably caused the blindness. She also kept drinking long after he left home. She drank because she was too weak a person to deal with herself without a crutch. Had nothing to do with my friend. Your father likely did drugs because he was too weak a person to do otherwise, and no child can hope to overcome that.

 

I agree with the posts above that it’s excellent that you understand the dynamic you’re stuck in and want to change things. I agree that therapy could be a good idea to sort all this out.
I’m dealing with parental abandonment too. Time and distance helps, therapy helps, but most of all working on myself and my own sense of safety in relationship and people in general helps.
I started writing and letting things out that way. Once I let all the emotion and distorted thinking out, I can breathe and think a bit clearer. Affirming thoughts also help break the bad thinking cycles (“there’s no reason he would cheat on me”) - it’s like stopping yourself in the act. It takes practice, but it works.
It’s a wound that never truly heals, but the good news is that it’s something that can be lived with, without it messing up your life.
Take care.