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People telling you to "stand up for yourself"

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Devil Dave, Dec 12, 2019.

  1. Devil Dave

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    I often find that the people who tell me to stand up for myself are also the people who get extremely offended if I stand my ground with them and call them out on their own bullshit. Has anybody else experienced this?

    Then again, they are normally the type of people who think they are right all the time. They will encourage you to challenge others, but they don't like being challenged themselves.
     
  2. 0to21

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    There are people who like to define themselves as the 'helpful' kind who lift other people up, but don't genuinely want to help at all - they just spew whatever they've heard is the right thing to do (for example, announcing phrases like the one you mentioned.) Like the 'fake woke' phenomenon.

    Trying to associate themselves with these qualities is also an opportunity to patronise certain people so they can maintain a feeling of superiority. If you're not permanently 'helpless', 'clueless' etc. you'll be taking away the material they need to maintain their false self.
     
    #2 0to21, Dec 12, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2019
  3. Devil Dave

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    Yes. They basically see what they want to see - a helpless victim. They'll tell me to stand up to other people's bullying, but they don't realise they are actually bulying me themselves by criticizing how I handle a situation.

    Normally I avoid conflict because its just not worth causing further drama, but they see this as a sign of weakness. And its not helpful when they start pointing out how weak they think I am. If you do criticise me for not standing up for myself, then that's going to put my back up even more and make me feel worse. And then I'll end up snapping at you instead of the person who was bothering me in the first place. Then what happens? That's right, I end up being the bad guy, after I was already the victim to begin with.
     
  4. 0to21

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    They totally know this, too. Am I right in assuming this something that's been going on with people you've known for a while? Because if so, even though it may feel strange at first, severely limiting your contact with them/their access to you would be a useful step to take. The 'fog' will clear, and you'll notice not only what was off about these relationships, but you'll be more likely to recognise it in the future.
     
  5. Devil Dave

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    The most recent time it happened was with a manager, who I no longer work for. She would criticise me for being placid with people and told me I need to learn to face my fears (and I actually did stand up to these people, I just didn't do it in an agressive manner) but when I stood up to her and mentioned her flaws, she ended up bursting into tears. I'm glad I'm not working with her any more. She made the same comments about another member of staff when he had a run-in with someone, saying "another man who won't stick up for himself." She wants her staff to be tough and not take bullshit, but if we stand up to her, we're the bad guys.
     
  6. Regaen

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    I can't stand people like that. It's passive aggressive bullying, is what it is. It's shaming the victim by saying if they handled it differently it wouldn't happen. Its the same nonsense attitude that says women in miniskirts 'ask' to be assaulted.
     
  7. Devil Dave

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    Agreed. Also, its very easy for someone to say how they would have handled the situation if it was them. We're all experts on how to deal with a situation in hindsight. When it is you in that situation and the incident occurs when you're not expecting it and you're not prepared for it, it's a different story.

    If someone is being abusive or aggressive to you, there are other things to consider besides abusing them back. You could be putting yourself in further danger. You could be putting other people at risk. You might be giving your aggressor the excuse to come back and get revenge later. You could be endangering your home or business. If these possibilities are going through your mind during a time when someone is being nasty to you, then it is not stupid to keep calm and think before acting.

    If a victim were to tell me about an abusive incident, I would not say "you need to stand up for yourself" I would prefer to reassure them that they reacted how they felt they should react at the time. I might advise them on what they could do if a similar incident occurs again, but if I react negatively to them being passive, it's not helpful to anyone. I don't think its my place to tell them they did the wrong thing. It's not the victim's fault they were being picked on.
     
    #7 Devil Dave, Dec 14, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2019