1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Possibly moving away from "boyfriend" due to job opportunity

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Gleeko0, Dec 8, 2019.

  1. Gleeko0

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am about to do essential and possibly life-changing choices in the next days, but I am mostly concerned about the relationship between me and Daniel (fictional name). So, today, I work as a home office Agent for a tech company. I work from the comfort of my home, and I get to see Daniel almost every day.

    During the past 11 months, we envolved into a boyfriends-like relationship. We don't call it a relationship in the traditional sense, and we are happy about it. It's also open.


    However, I don't feel that my current job will help me grow up professionally. Don't get me wrong, I love this company, the work is fantastic, the pay is not high, but we get commissions and everything else has been great since I started three months ago. These aspects of my life, today, are why, among other things, I feel that I may be committing a mistake.


    I have a great job, I don't have my place, but Daniel and I have been thinking about sharing something in a cheaper city. Today we also participated in a selection process for a public university (in my country, there are no tuition fees; I don’t “need” this diploma, but it is something professionally promising to study and will help me develop my Ph.D., so will the out of state job). We will probably pass to study in that cheaper city, where we'll be able to share a place and live together. He is capable of transferring his job to that city (and I currently work as home office, so for me it does not matter on my current job)

    That is before this new offer popped up. I will likely have an interview on Wednesday. I am not sure about the outcome of it, but I won't have time to think about it if I pass. The job starts immediately after approval. It is also out of my state. It is on the other side of the country.

    The pay is much better; it is also the exact thing I need on my experiences to get the most out of the professional I am. My rational side tells me to do it. My heart tells me to stay and pursue medium-term goals alongside my current lover.


    I have never felt what I feel about him. The past two months have been great. We have fought a lot about being or not being together; we traversed many crises. But we have reached a state where we are comfortable with each other. We do explicitly love each other.

    And then, this professional opportunity arose for me. He always knew this could happen. We were thinking about going together wherever I go. But this time, he won't come, and I will not earn enough to support both of us comfortably. I am not sure if I can get him a job or gig over there, this is one of his interests or “conditions” to go with me, and he is right! He should stay if I go unless there is a promising job for him too. I won’t earn enough for both of us in the first six months, and there is the “if” the contract will be renewed. The organisation works on a project-based basis, so it only does contracts for 6 months at a time.


    I try to deny it, but these doubts are rotting me away. It is much better; I am not on the verge of breakdown like I was before Daniel, and I had an in-depth conversation about everything, and he comforted and supported me. Yet, I am afraid I will freak out if I pass, and I don't want to face a decision paralysis on something of such importance.


    I don't know if I am venting this away or seeking support. What I know is that I need to be comfortable in making that choice. And I am not feeling that comfortable.

    I admitted to Daniel today that I am mostly leaning towards accepting and going because I need to, not because I want to. He advised me I should be at peace wherever I go, and that, if I go, I need to be in harmony with that place, and not be thinking about coming back to see him all the time. That is all I can think about; coming here to visit him, and him visiting me. Should I really go, like this?


    Am I too attached? Is this hindering my life and career goals? I have always bragged about being so "free" and no family-ties about anything so I could reach and grab any opportunities life throw at me. Now that one of these opportunities shows up, I realize that I am attached to someone and fragile.

    Perhaps this is steeming from unconscious insecurity, the thoughts I may have on him "forgetting" about me, getting someone else, and not wanting to see me anymore. Regarding myself, I am so confident about my values and who I am that I am definitely sure that I will not merely meet someone and forget about him. Heck, I want to come to visit him regularly (I will earn enough to do that). I have talked about this with him, he says he won't forget me and that he loves me.


    But then he talks about how I am so young and that perhaps this is a way for us to part ways peacefully. I can't stand these talks, don't want to part with anything. I love him, I don't care who he fucks, and he won't care about who I fuck if I move away, we don't even mind sharing, I believe we can have a long-distance relationship for a while, but sometimes it feels like I am choosing between him or my dreams.

    I have the rule that "I will regret less what I choose to do than I will if I don't do it." But this has come to a point where I think I will regret my choice regardless of what I do. If I pass and move away, I will regret terribly not trying life in another nearby city with him. If I am selected at the interview on Wednesday and I choose to stay, I will regret not choosing what may be the start of a brilliant and dreamlike career for me.

    At the same time, choosing to stay might wear down this relationship, while choosing to go my give me the exact tools and financial power to cultivate a promising and adult relationship, perhaps even in other countries (which these kinds of jobs will allow after I get this professional experience)

    TL;DR - I have a great job today and get to see my "boyfriend" every day. We are planning to move on together and share a place. A dreamlike opportunity in my area appeared, and it is on the other side of the country. I am afraid that if I move away, my relationship with him will be over, and I will be missing great things.
     
    #1 Gleeko0, Dec 8, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2019
  2. HM03

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,623
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am facing a (somewhat) similar dilemma, so I have sympathy for you.

    I have two main thoughts:

    1) Why boyfriend-like and "boyfriends"? I understand that the dynamic is different in Brazil, but even if your relationship is open or closeted, I don't see why you don't say Boyfriend, not "boyfriend". Over 11 months you guys have fought multiple times about staying together - is it whether you are compatible? Or more logistical (pay, homophobia etc etc)? Do you see a long-term future together? Is it something you guys have seriously talked about? If you do not take this job, are you fairly certain that you guys will stay together long-term?

    2) You have an interview. Not every one that has an interview is guaranteed a job. You aren't guaranteed to get this job. Also, the job is 6 months. Regardless of the guy, are you sure it's worth moving across the country if you are only guaranteed 6 months and your contract doesn't get renewed? If the contract doesn't get renewed, what is your plan job-wise afterwards?
     
  3. Gleeko0

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for reaching out! My sympathies for you too.

    I am confident we are taking it slowly. We have talked about this many times. He has (drunk) asked me in marriage, twice (what I count as "yes, I will pursue serious goals with you too at some point). And I agree with him about taking it slowly, if we were to take things to new levels quickly, like I once wished, perhaps we wouldn’t even be together. On one hand, we have been planning to move on along which means we are indeed progressing relationship-wise, that is if I don’t go out of state. And, yes, we do have many incompatibilities, mainly because I am 24 and he is 28. Not a big difference, if it wasn't for the fact that I was into a single 9 months relationship in my whole life. Whereas he was married twice for 5 years and then almost 4, and had the other two boyfriends for more than a year. He lived with his two ex-husbands, whereas I know nearly nothing about the relationships. I come from a considerably well off middle-class family, whereas he comes from a poorer background. Also, regarding incompatibilities, I don't believe in non-mutable "compatibility" in a strict sense. I think that people can learn to co-exist with their incompatibilities and conflicts; they can also refuse those and not co-exist, of course. For me, the benefits of staying with, emotionally, psychologically and sexually, have far outweighed the cons, including having to learn to live with our conflicts. Most of the time we are just enjoying ourselves and not fighting at all. I could easily stay around him for several days, just doing usual daily-life stuff. We have the kind of relationship where we don’t need to worry about “weird silence,” nor we need to ask, “are you okay?” all the time, if we happen to be talking, that is the amount of “comfortable” we have around each other. He has done his part too, watching himself for when he gets mad at me because I act "childish" (I admit, I sometimes do.). He has shown patience and willingness to work on his conflicts with me too.



    I know. It is not guaranteed but it is likely. I am being recommended internally by a friend and they reached me out to apply. Yes, unfortunately it seems it is indeed worth moving across the country. The pay is thrice what I earn today (before commissions and not every month I get high commissions). If the contract doesn't get renewed I will come back and try to get my current job back (open doors always) until I can find better opportunities. I will have earned the experience I need so much to try better and similar positions. It is a risk, but shouldn't we take some risks if we want to grow? Doesn't seem reasonable to me to play safe all the time, professionally. You see, I seem pretty rational about the professional side of all of this, but the idea of staying and working on other professional opportunities (such as the course I am planning on studying alongside Daniel) is very attractive too.

    Today it broke my heart so much to see him telling me to follow my dreams and not stay behind because of anyone. He is clearly sad he just is not telling me about it. He is going to miss me as much as I am going to miss him. I feel that I disappointed him but he will never say that because he will never allow himself to say such a thing. He is playing the "strong one", I have been naive not to notice this.

    Ok, seems I will cry again over this. I thought I had stopped crying about it.
     
    #3 Gleeko0, Dec 8, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2019
  4. Gleeko0

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just got updated on the job offer. Found out that I was probed (without my knowledge). A contact close to me got several calls from that company and I found out the job offer is not even "officially" open yet, they are doing an exception to accept me after the closing (because they could not fill the position before). Those are reliable clues that I may get the position. Still waiting for the interview confirmation.

    My heart feels squeezed. I don't know if I am overreacting, I don't know if this is just a bunch of unnecessary drama. All I know is that I have a strong feeling that Daniel needs me and I don't want him to feel lonely or unsupported if I move away. At the same time, I am fully aware that I cannot refuse this opportunity. It is one door open for a promising career, a door that I have been working for and waiting to be opened to me for the past 3 years.

    We are planning to meet today, me and Daniel. I am sick of showing myself as a fortress, I don't want to hide my fears or weaknesses around him but perhaps this is going to be easier on us if I don't dump any insecurities I have on him.


    I have always strived for an internaational career. Daniel always knew it, it is just unfortunate that this specific opportunity won’t allow me to bring him with me, and I don’t think he’d want to anyway (not to this specific plance I am going).

    My mind has been working 24/7 thinking about ways I can balance things out, perhaps support him from distance so he can move to his own place and I come to visit regularly. I don't know.

    I need to bring my shit together and do well at the interview. But, sincerely, I am not caring much whether I pass or not. If I pass, I will go. If I don't pass, I will be relieved and not disappointed because I know I am doing the best I can. At least I will be relieved from these doubts.

    I am a mess. Sorry for venting everything out here. I never thought I'd get so attached to someone in my life. In fact, it has always been one of my biggest fears: to get attached and doubts about grabbing or throwing away opportunities that life throws at me.

    Just 6 months, possibly more, I don't know. Perhaps this is all drama and I will find out that it is simpler than I thought and I am just a drama-mess.
     
    #4 Gleeko0, Dec 9, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2019
  5. Nelalvai

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2019
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Colorado, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think being honest about your worries is better than trying to "protect" Daniel. I have the same reflex. It hurts us more than it helps the people we love.
    I broke up with my partner due to a similar problem. We were long distance for a long time. Just when I thought we were done with that, he started looking for jobs that would separate us. We realized that we couldn't be together without giving up on our other dreams.
    (We also had lots of other problems destroying our relationship, but I think this is still relevant to your dilemma.)
    The break happened after a serious conversation about what we each wanted out of life, and how we could make that work together. Obviously we couldn't, but i think that conversation is really important when you get to a certain stage in a relationship. I think you're at that stage. How do you see the relationship working during the contact? What do you want to happen after the 6 months? If the employer wants to renew you, will you want to stay? Do you want Daniel to join you there eventually? What are Daniel's answers to these questions?
    You don't have to have perfect answers to these questions. You're allowed to change your answer at anytime.
    Good luck!
     
  6. Broccoli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Okay, here's my perspective (which is based only on what you've posted and you are of course completely welcome to ignore):

    You've been together less than a year, you don't refer to it as a relationship, and you have already fought a lot and been through crises. Everyone has stuff to deal with and relationships aren't easy, etc., but they shouldn't be that hard that early on.

    You are young. Statistically it is unlikely that you and Daniel will be together for the rest of your lives.

    This is a terrible reason to be with someone. Presumably he was okay prior to eleven months ago and he will be okay again. Humans have a remarkable ability to be okay, and you cannot be responsible for someone else's life.

    Assuming you mean financially support him, this is not your responsibility and not something you should be considering. You may be star-crossed lovers, but it is far more likely that you are going to look back on this all in ten years, think fond but rather-distant thoughts of your memories of him and wonder why you made such a big drama of it all at the time.

    In case you're wondering, I think you should stop over-thinking, wait and see if you are actually offered the job and take it if you are! Life has a funny habit of working itself out and if Daniel and you are truly 'meant to be together' you could always try to make it work long-distance for six months and re-assess at that point.
     
  7. Gleeko0

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the answers. I will post a reply to each of them soon. I am right now on my way to meet him. I also just got the interview confirmation for tomorrow (one day earlier). Will post replies later
     
  8. Broccoli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Good luck for the interview!