So I am currently struggling with this. My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years total and married since May. We have had our ups and downs because of individual issues but are doing very well and have been overall. We have been thinking about trying to buy a house (or at least rent one) for a year. Our lease is up in April, she is not a fan of our current apartment. I don't mind it much. We just downsized this past April from my old apartment where I lived alone for 3 years and with her for a year and a half. We had to downgrade due to money. We helped my dad out with a lawyer on my credit cards and she helped max one out this summer as well buying stuff for her friends and being frivolous. We are still in the hole roughly $8000 plus my $21000 student loan kicks in next month for repayment. Yay. She is also a fulltime student who works part time and I pay most of the bills. I recently got a big promotion and we are now doing ok financially. Last summer, she brought up the idea of one of her best friends moving in with us whom is also a great friend of mine; he is like her little brother. Great guy but he has a lot of health issues and can't hold a job, although he does help clean when he comes over for a few days at a time. He also has an aging cat (I'm not a cat person plus we already have a cat and a dog who are a handful alone yet still well behaved and comfortable with each other). Now that we don't need a roommate or anything, I'm heavily rethinking my brother-in-law moving in with us. I honestly don't want him to. My wife and I are almost 28, my friends have all grown up and gotten married and we have all kind of dispersed but remained close. My wife's friends however are all a few years younger than us and she loves the idea of letting at least the one guy move in to get his shit together and be a safe space for people to get it together. I get that and I used to like the idea but now I'm just thinking I'm ready to be an adult and just live with my wife in our house with our animals. Call me old and boring, perhaps. Lol. Am I a jerk off for feeling this way? I still love our friends/family but I need my space with my life. Her people are always over for days at a time anyway or she's over at their places and I'm fine with that happening once we get a house. Sorry for long post. I don't really have a lot of people to talk to about this kind of thing anymore. What should I do? How do I tell her I don't want him to move in? (She gets really protective/defensive over dude and his brothers, even to me.)
You are definitely not wrong for feeling that way, I definitely wouldn't want someone to move into my house indefinitely and not pay rent? (because from the ''he can't work'' comment, I can only assume the assumption is that he won't be paying rent?) To be honest, it doesn't seem like your relationship is a partnership at all, it seems like you are the one who brings in money while your wife dictates what you do with it. I am sorry but if you have 29K worth of debt, she NEEDS to work and bring in money, she needs to drop a few classes so she can work and participate fairly to the household expenses, it's easy for her to close her eyes as to where money goes and her friends adding to your household expenses when she doesn't have to pay for them. Personally, I know it's a very ''lesbian thing'' to do, moving in with someone despite them not having the ability to sustain themselves (we have so many posts about this here), but that is really unwise, and considering you are already paying for most of the expenses, I would be pretty set on ''no'' regarding her friend. I would simply be honest and tell her why. " We are already in debt, and while I love your friends, I want to focus on our family unit and not over-stretched ourselves more financially by having someone else add to our household expenses. I am also uncomfortable by the idea of someone staying indefinitely. '' If she insists and you are somehow willing to compromise, I would set conditions. " He can live here but he needs to pay rent and his portion of utility bills.'' '' He can live here but it needs to be for X amount of time and he needs to participate financially.'' '' He can live here but YOU are financially responsible for his portion of the bills and making sure the house stays in order.'' I would still say no, people who come live in your house for free for an indefinite period of time, regardless of how lovely they are, will put a massive strain on your relationship and in making home feel like yours, without mentioning the added stress of having someone else live with you who may or may not do their part.
^ I agree with all of that. A roommate has to at least try and contribute some finances to the whole. While utilities won't fluctuate much with one other person, groceries will. So will gasoline if they don't have their own set of wheels or way to get around. It needs open discussion between you and your partner first then with the three of you together.
Thank you. I at least see clearly now that I'm not being a controlling ass hat regarding the situation. I want to bring it up to her but she gets so defensive when it comes to her best friends (these three brothers, one of which is the topic of this thread). She kind of brought it up a few days ago because dudes may lose their mom's house that they currently are still living in. I told her they can stay for a couple weeks at a time but they're not moving in not on the lease or with their damn cats. I'm not getting us evicted for either adding extra people without them on the lease or adding 2 contraband cats that I don't even want (and I'm sure our dog and cat would not want either). Now I'm really hoping these dudes don't lose that house. So much anxiety. Thank you again.
You are just making sure your own house is in order and that includes the hard decision of saying no to requests/expenses like this. As they have said you have student loans and foot the bill for most of the expenses, so no. It would have to be “I’m sorry but we can’t afford it” especially if you run the risk of getting kicked out for violating terms.
If your wife is spending frivolously and you have tens of thousands of dollars in debt, then you have no business bringing anyone else in that would be a potential drain on finances. You and your wife should be focused on your own needs first, before anyone else's. It's great that she wants to help others, but if I were in your shoes, I'd hold firm and say that, both for the health of your marriage and for your financial health, that this is a non-starter and you won't agree to it.
Thanks again for the input, everyone. Much appreciated! Sad update, though: these dudes may lose their house. I already talked about that in small doses with the wife that if that does indeed happen, they can stay for a few weeks and I'll even help the more capable brother get a job with me at Amazon so he can save up to either fix his car or get a new one and then get his own apartment here (and hopefully the other brother can follow). They find out tomorrow. I feel like a scumbag for still being pissed but if they lose the house, I will accept them in, on certain terms and conditions. The one brother gets a job ASAP and out ASAP and whomever isn't working becomes the house bitch. My ass works third shift 5-6 days per week, 11.5 hours per day and as much as I honestly used to love deep cleaning the apartment once or twice a month, I can't do it as greatly in scope as i used to. Thank you again, everyone. Boosted my confidence a bit and I no longer feel as terrible. I love the online LGBTQ+ community so much.
Be very, very careful here: If they are irresponsible enough to keep spending frivolously when they're in danger of losing their house, then they aren't responsible for their own behavior, and when given a free place to stay, they'll quickly develop entitlement to that free place to stay, and it will be near impossible to get rid of them. Personally, I would not allow them to stay even for a short period. However, if you decide do do that, set very, very clear, solid, immovable deadlines. For example: - Must fill out and submit applications for at least 5 different jobs every single day. - Must respond immediately (within 4 hours) to every response/interview request - Must apply for public assistance and public help with finding work/housing within 48 hours of moving in. - Whomever is not working agrees to do x hours of work around the house every day, consisting of such-and-so specific chores - Must move out within 30 days, or within 15 days of gaining employment, whichever comes first Setting specific and measurable goals is absolutely crucial. That way, there's no argument as to whether the goals are met and progress is being made. Additionally, there needs to be very clear understanding that if any one of the rules is broken, that they agree to move out within 72 hours. I can't overemphasize the importance of clear boundaries. They don't have to be as strict as the above, but everything should be on a very specific timeline and/or have a specific, measurable goal. And even with that, there's a high likelihood that they will milk it and do their best to stay for as long as possible. Your wife needs to be 100% on board with whatever goals/rules are set, and they should be put in writing before they move in. Nobody may be comfortable with this at the outset, but it sets clear expectations, and minimizes hard feelings if/when things don't go according to plan.
This is very helpful advice. I would love to be that strict or bordering on it for both our good and theirs in the long term. They'd thank us later. Discipline is a hard trait to build up. I doubt my wife would go for such strict rules (she can get overly protective of these guys fast; they're like her little brothers). But I shall certainly try. The older brother was messaging me last night and it sounds like they already have a backup plan as a household to stay with their aunt or grandmother. Hoping that holds up if it comes to it.
