Hi Everyone, I’ve been lurking on here for a few months now, since about the time when I came out to myself. I’ve barely posted but just want to say that I think this is such a great forum for people struggling and it’s really helped me to not feel quite so alone. Anyway, I wanted to announce a big step for me that I’ve taken this past week….I came out to someone else! It was a relationship counsellor but it felt good to finally say it out loud. On the back of this, she gave me some advice which I have been reflecting on and wanted to ask what you all think. Basically, she was less neutral than I was expecting about the fact that I should end my current relationship of nearly 20 years. She said to separate the two issues 1) tell him that I have outgrown the relationship and need to move on and only then to 2) take action to explore my sexuality in my own time. She said I’m putting too much pressure on myself to deal with both together. I hadn’t considered this before, as to me if I didn’t feel so strongly about the fact that I’m gay (I feel like it’s all I’m thinking about recently and it’s making me feel like a liar to him), then I wouldn’t feel this push to leave anywhere near as strongly, even though there would probably still be some truth that maybe we’re at the end of the road. To give you some background if you want it (skip to the next paragraph it you don't!) - I am in my mid 30’s and we’ve been together since we left school. I haven’t been with anyone else. I honestly thought I was happy with him, even though sex has never been, for me at least, an important element of our relationship (once the initial novelty of having someone to do it with wore off! ) He has always been my closest friend and I think through our late teens/twenties we grew so close due to supporting each other through a series of family tragedies and his being there and providing me finally with some safety and security following an abusive childhood and adolescence. However in all this time, neither of us have pushed for marriage or kids - probably because if I'm being honest, I've always acted resistant (without overly considering why that might be, just blaming it on my childhood). During the years, as seems common with many people on here, the signs were all there I just wasn’t ready to pay attention to them. For a combination of reasons I’m still figuring out, it’s like a light has been switched on somewhere and I can’t go back. And for the record, whilst there is someone right now I am seriously crushing on, there wasn’t anyone specific at the time I finally admitted it to myself, so it’s not that. I hate myself that I feel I have no choice but to hurt him, even though I know I’m not being fair to him if I do nothing. But I suppose what I’m asking you all is - do I not owe him the honesty of why I feel I have to do this? I guess it could seem even more of a shock and maybe make it harder if I do tell him, as it’s not like it’s anything he can do about it -but then again, I don’t want him to think that if he was just more dynamic, attentive etc. we could turn things around (we’ve been there before). Maybe that would work if it wasn’t for the fundamental issue – I’m gay. But is this counsellor right? Does it put too much on me to explain myself when I haven’t even joined any groups in the community for moral support (kind of a ‘chicken and egg’ situation as I don’t want to ‘sneak’ to these whilst I’m in a straight relationship). I’m also not sure he’ll understand and think our whole time together has been a lie when it hasn’t, but trying to explain it…..would I just be adding anger to heartbreak? I hope beyond hope to keep him in my life as a friend and if that was the case he’d find out eventually, but that’s going to be his call to make and in any case further down the line after we've mended our broken hearts. Any thoughts would be really appreciated. Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.
Hi @Rose176 - All this stuff - sexuality, relationships, changes - it's not easy! Years ago I made the mistake of following a counselor's advice, even though it didn't feel right. I thought I needed to follow the counselor's advice because that's what we were paying her for. In hindsight, I should have listened to my own instincts. In my opinion, a good counselor will guide you toward making your own decisions and being confident in them, and not make your decisions for you. Only you can say whether your counselor is right.
Glad to hear you like the site's forum and that you don't feel alone, because you're not. It's always easier to break things up in pieces than to deal with them all at once. But that depends on the situation. Has the man you've been together with ever noticed that the sex wasn't working for you as much as it once did or has he had any reason to think something was changing? It's impossible to determine how he will react and what the friendship will be like. I've heard that the friendships get better over time after break ups based on sexual preference changes. Sometimes, they get better when the other person finds a new partner and has a new person to focus on. This is so incredibly true. When a counselor tells you how to go about something, and it's a tough thing, and your gut tells you something else, you might have more digging to do. When a counselor tells you how to go about something, and it's a tough thing, and it feels right to you, too, then it's probably right. I told a therapist how someone tricked me into attending an event way in the future and he was disappointed in me because I used a white lie to get out of it ... not too long after this all happened, so I also got out of it way before the event. I later told another therapist what I did and he felt it was okay because I was duped into something and should not have to attend a function where I was not going willingly.
Therapists should never give advice, but unfortunately, many have real difficulty avoiding doing so. The role of a therapist is to help a client discover what s/he wants, and to nonjudgmentally explore options and present possibilities to the client. Now... if she's trying to get you simply to slow down in ending the relationship, that's a little bit different... but there it depends on how long you've been considering this. If it's a week or two that's one thing. But if it's months, that's something totally different. Now... assuming you've spent time coming to this place, then I see the decision about being honest with your partner through a different lens than your therapist. Perhaps the best way to explore this is to do your best to put yourself into your partner's shoes. You've been together for 20 years. If you suddenly announce you want out of the relationship, but don't mention that it's because you've figured out you aren't attracted to men, my guess is that he will most likely blame or in some way judge himself... that he's fallen short or something... and he may try desperately to change or to figure out what he can do to make things work. That's just going to create more discomfort for the both of you and prolong the agony, not to mention being fundamentally inauthentic. Of course, I don't know him so I have no idea if what I'm saying is on the mark. In nearly all cases, I'm a huge fan of authenticity and transparency. So from that perspective, the question to ask yourself is, what good comes of separating the two issues (breaking up and your being gay as the cause for the breakup)? If there's some worthwhile purpose in doing so... if it helps you, smooths the breakup, or something, then there's a sensible reason. If there's no worthwhile purpose, then you're back to the issue of what's the kindest thing to do for your partner. The truth is, as you said, there's absolutely no way he isn't going to be heartbroken. But he would be more heartbroken if you stayed in a relationship where you weren't truly able to love him the way he deserves to be loved, or if he felt you'd 'fallen out of love' and perhaps there was a way to 'fix it'. Neither of you benefits from that. And the longer you realize and don't take action, the more you are keeping him (and you) from finding the right person that each of you truly deserves. I'm concerned that your therapist sounds like she's encouraging an agenda and giving advice, neither of which are appropriate in a therapeutic context. So this may be something you just need to decide by yourself. Depending on your relationship with your therapist, it could be worthwhile to explore why she appears attached to this idea and outcome. Therapists are far from immune from their own countertransference issues, and it's entirely possible this is hitting against either a blind spot or an old wound of some sort for your therapist. So it can be good to bring up your concerns... a good therapist will be open to it and will appreciate it. Now... if there have been a bunch of similar sorts of issues, then it might be worthwhile to consider whether this therapeutic relationship is serving you effectively.
I disagree with your counselor. It sounds like you want to allow your partner to truly understand why you are looking to split and have the potential for friendship down the line. Honesty upfront seems like the best way to achieve that.
Hey welcome to EC, as the above posters have said you have to do what is right for you but I would have thought if you long term want to stay friends then if possible honesty is probably the best policy. It is going to be hard and upsetting for both of you but moving forward it will put you both in a better place.
Have you tried to think how the conversation would go? It's hard to imagine your partner would be satisfied with a general answer after such a long time together, and it might be more difficult to avoid discussing your sexuality than to share it with him. It sounds like you're trying to do the right thing which is about all you can do. You'll take pressure off yourself by remembering that his reaction and feelings are not really within your control.
Thank you everyone for your replies, it's so helpful to get some feedback, it really is appreciated. You make a good point - at some stage, I'm probably going to feel like I'm lying by omission if he asks what/who it is I think I want, or if our physical relationship comes up. That's an interesting question. I think her suggestion in not telling him about my sexuality appealed as I thought maybe it would be easier for him initially. After all, telling him the whole truth is such a point of no return and he can't do anything about it. However, like you've said, I know he will look to himself for answers and I don't want to give him false hope, so that reason probably doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. The other reason it appeals is because that in coming out to him -as has been mentioned already -I can't control how he will react. This includes whether he 'outs' me to members of our family (after 20 years we're all pretty inter-linked). I don't think he would do so maliciously, probably just as a means of support for himself but there is obviously this side of things for me to deal with. It's mostly his side of the family who I'm closest to (although I'll probably lose them whatever the reason), which leaves my mum and my brother. Whilst my brother will most likely be fine (although upset at the break up as he and my partner are like brothers themselves), my mum is homophobic and I'd rather not have to handle that right now. It would just be nice to have someone close to me I can come out to and me feel like it's not some terrible piece of news... Seriously, if I get through this I will never care about coming out to anyone. It would seem from everyone's replies so far that the consensus is honesty would be best. I'm inclined to agree, I like to think of myself as an honest person and it's probably the more respectful thing to do for him, however painful it will be. Truth is, I feel so guilty I've come so late to this realisation - at our age he would probably be married and have kids of his own by now so I feel like I've messed him around enough. My head has been all over the place and I'm having trouble sleeping which he's noticed and has been asking if I'm ok. I think now the realisation that we're at the end has hit home I'm struggling to be around him which I'm hating but know it's because I feel like I'm being fake. I really am at the point of planning when and how I'm going to do it. I had randomly given myself until after xmas/new year but am not sure if I can make it until then, the way I feel at the moment. :-(
I agree with some of the others that being as honest as you can be is probably the best course of action. It will be hard but he may appreciate it later on. He probably should be the first person you tell since you have been together so long. Dealing with the issues separately may just prolong the agony. I’m guessing he does know something is up and maybe there is a possibility it might not be as big a surprise as you think.
Thanks, I can only hope that at some point it will be like the penny has dropped and a lot of things might make sense to him. I have honestly lost all sense of idea what he's thinking, if anything, about our future. I mean, part of me wonders why he hasn't tried to instigate any sort of conversation about what we're doing - he must realise I never initiate the physical side of things and it makes me sad that I think he won't ask me to marry him because he knows I don't want it. He's a very laid back person in general and I wonder if he just doesn't want to open pandora's box, so to speak. Either that or he just really hasn't got a clue somethings wrong....which I suppose is a bit concerning in and of itself. You're right it makes sense he should be the first person I tell, given how long we've been together. Thanks for helping me to clarify that!
Your counseller is complicating things for you or she is trying to think up of ways to get you out of your situation while you re too scared to take any steps,,, You re lucky enough to have had a partner you're connected with (mine was a shithead). It will be painful anyway but not as painful as prolonging it BELIEVE ME! Sit down with him and be as honest as you can and share as much as you re comfortable with, you can't be this calculative when you re not so sure of what the future holds, trust your gut instinct and stay string <3
Welcome to EC, @Rose176. I think separating the two issues in your mind can sometimes help. By which I mean asking yourself questions about how you feel about your relationship, what you want your future to look like, etc. Whether you separate the issues in terms of actual actions is a different matter. I think it depends on your relationship and circumstances. For me, keeping them separate was the right thing to do. It was frustrating, but ultimately, the right way to go about it. Only you know your own situation. My therapist wasn’t neutral either, which initially surprised me too. In contrast to yours, my therapist wanted me to tell my partner about my sexuality. I felt strongly that this wasn’t the right way to go and after a few weeks of going around in circles, I ended the therapy. I went back to the same therapist about 8 months later, explained the details of my relationship, why I couldn’t tell my partner about my sexuality, and from then on, the therapy really worked. My therapist still wasn’t neutral with regards to my relationship, but we were on the same page and given the circumstances, that was probably appropriate and I likely wouldn’t have left him so quickly without the support of my therapist. From my own experience (and hopefully this won’t apply to you), it can be very easy to get caught up in questioning your sexuality and miss other issues in your existing relationship, which is exactly what I did. Overall, I don’t think there’s a one right way to go about this. You just have to do what you feel is right for you, in your situation.
