When I run into someone I know, it's really typical for us to say, "Hi! How are you?". It might be while shopping, at a party, anywhere. It seems like the standard answer is something like, "Great!", "Fantastic!", or something else that's upbeat and positive. It's natural to be positive because that's what draws people in and keeps the conversation going. How do you answer with authenticity when you're not doing so well, without scaring people away or turning them off? Tomorrow I'm going back to work after a 4-day break, and people are going ask, "Did you have a good Thanksgiving?", and my honest answer would be, "Not really". Next weekend I'm planning to go to a Christmas party with a bunch of former colleagues, and they'll ask, "How are you doing?", and my honest answer would be, "I'm struggling". I feel like I need to peel back a bit of the happy facade in order to connect with people, but I don't want to be a downer. Have you found a good, honest and authentic solution?
I like @anonmember ’s suggestion. If I’m in situations where it seems that people only want to chit chat about lighter topics, I pick out something that doesn’t really answer the question but makes it seem like I’ll hold up my end of chit chat. “This was the first time one of our kids hosted a holiday meal. It is different reaching this stage of parenting and adulthood.” It didn’t say how things are going with me and my wife, or my actual feelings about anything really. Then they can ask about my kids, or what we ate. And I can ask about their holiday. If I get the sense that someone was genuinely asking my feelings, I’d say “I’m glad you asked me that question, I’d be glad to chat over coffee sometime, maybe not in this party situation though.” Then they can be prepared for more than chit chat.
This is a tough one. While authenticity is important, it's also important to portray a positive/upbeat attitude in a work situation for the reasons that you mentioned. Saying that you are struggling is authentic and could open a door to an honest conversation. Are you out to these people? Or do they have a glimpse into your situation?
Don't be scared of scaring people. They asked how you're doing, so if they' don't want to know that you're unhappy or struggling with something, then they shouldn't be asking. If they are genuinely put off by your honesty, and all they want to hear is "I'm great! Everything is perfect!" then maybe in future they'll be more careful about how they greet people. Then again, if the person asking genuinely cares about you, or is genuinely interested in how you have been feeling recently, then they will listen without judging you. They might not have the right answer or solution to whatever problem you are having, but it can be helpful if you just get it off your chest to someone, as long as you feel comfortable telling them. If someone can give advice or offer some comforting words, or talk about a similar experience they've had and share with you how they dealt with it, then that's great, but sometimes it's good to have someone just listen and not give much feedback. They might just say "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way" or "I hope things get better soon" and if that's all they can offer, so be it. At least you've taken the chance to be honest with someone. Don't set your expectations too high.
This time of year can be difficult if you are feeling low or are adjusting to traumatic changes. I hear your pain and empathise - I know how loneliness can hit hard when in company.. I think saying something like "I'm hanging in there" is being true to yourself and feels much more authentic than saying "I'm good thanks". I hope you have some close friends in whom you can confide your feelings. We are with you here in spirit on Empty Closets.
I think it depends on who you're responding to, but I think you should always be honest. I worked for a while on Friday and you know what? several of my coworkers didn't have a good Thanksgiving. They offered that up and the sky didn't fall. For the most casual askers (I mean people I feel like I barely know) I go with "I'm doin' alright. How about you?" I've had some really dark days in my life and at this point, in the grand scheme of things "I'm doing alright" is honest on my best days and my worst. For someone who is a little closer, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "Wow, things are really rough right now, but I'm making it through." People who are just being conversational will say "well, hang in there" and those who are more will ask what's going on. Just make sure you're ready to tell them.
Tired! That has been what I said for years. It summed it all up well and I wasn’t lying. People didn’t ask questions normally and when they did I could just say a lots going on. I legit just stopped using that as an answer in the last two month...
Hi Sevn! I've been through a lot of health and emotional issues for the last two-three years. Quite a few people that I run into know that and when they ask "how are you?" I usually say something like..."I still up on my feet and moving forward". That seems to do a good job of saying that everything is not wonderful, but that I haven't given up hope. It says that I've still got my head above water and am moving forward...even if a bit slowly. It lets people know how I feel and gives them the opening to talk more and perhaps encourage me, if they are close friends. If they are more of a casual acquaintance, they can smile and say "hang in there" or something like that and feel like they've been helpful...It seems to work well for me. .....David
I use numerical answers for this. They'll ask how I am and I'll spontaneously pick a number from 1 to 10 that reflects how I feel in the moment. It's never depressing or awkward because it's just a completely detached factual and authentic answer, not looking for their support or anything if I feel bad, since people often seem to immediately regret asking if the person doesn't feel good and try to escape the conversation. "How are you"? I feel 9 out of 10 today, how about you? I feel 2 out of 10 today. I don't ask how they are in return if I feel bad as a sign to not annoy me with pointless pleasantries that day. Plus if I say I feel bad the other person feels guilty saying they feel great right after I said I feel bad, so there's no point asking them. With my friends who are used to it, it gets shortened to just the number. How are you Destin? Seven, you?
I'm very honest and upfront. How? I answer with humor. How? To maintain my anonymity I'll answer via PM - private message. Oh just thought of an example. Person I meet at party, "how are you John (John Doe)?" Me, "oh I feel like a cheap bottle of wine, you know the $5 a bottle class that high shoolers drink." Then if the person is interested I tell them the truth. Me, "my dog died and I'm grieving for his lose."
Yesterday at work I ran into someone who asked I was doing and asked about my family. I said something about the kids, then she asked about my wife. I hesitated then just said, "We're struggling". It was actually really satisfying to be honest, and it didn't seem out of place.
At a holiday party., Sooooo, How are you???? Possible Answers: "Hanging in there" "Thankful for another day" "Ive seen better days but doing alright" "Im ok" "Im alright" "ehhhh it is what it is" "The holidays have sucked but this party is making it better" "Do you want the truth or a lie?" "Ask me after I get through this rough patch" "I feel like sh$t but but I feel better than (insert friends name) holiday pot luck dish looks. hehehehe" "I feel like crap but you can make that change when we go home together tonight winkie winkie" "Im not sure. How bout we stand under the mistletoe. I think Ill have a better idea after that" "Ill be right as rain after a swig of this eggnog" "Well Im kinda nervous"... person says "why?".. you say "because my crush is here at this party." he says.."who is that?" you say...Im standing right in front of him..winkie winkie"
Hi sevn, I’m really sorry you’re struggling. I feel like I’ve dealt with similar questions and I understand that it doesn’t feel very authentic to answer with a generic “I’m fine”. I think I have felt a lot of the same things you might be now, so I think I get your feelings, but it might help you to articulate your feelings about why the generic response doesn’t feel good to you. I think for me it felt like I wanted to be more open with myself and I was struggling and going through difficult emotions but also on some levels feeling strong and that strength felt like it helped me carry myself forward to keep making difficult decisions, and a lot of strength come from openness. Is it something similar for yourself? I think what others have suggested are great answers, like “I’m hanging in there”, or perhaps, “working through some stuff, but I’m getting there”. When people ask about specific things like how was this or that, maybe, well it was a bit complicated this year but I’m working through it” and of course put the cheerfulness in the questions you return “how was yours? Did you have a nice time with family?” I think you can ways to shape it as a positive through the questions you engage in about others’ experiences. Big hugs to you. <3
