To hookup or not to hookup? That is the question???

Sign me up. Lol

 

This is legitimately the best piece of advice anyone could give you OP and you posted it yourself. I’m not sure you realize how your comments come off. I’m not saying you’re (nor did Chip) a self centered asshole. However, when you’re reading words on a screen you’re limited to only what’s written so we don’t get any little hints at what’s sarcasm, humor, etc. So unless it’s stated clearly it’s taken literally often. People have already pointed out to you how your comments seem to be abrasive, dismissive, combative... I try to be very careful with my word choices... like “comments seem” rather than ‘comments are’ because I don’t know if it is your intent for them to come off that way. Well the last two for sure it’s clear lol but the others not so much.

Now about the happy go lucky people... I’m one of them. I’m not in denial and I don’t self medicate... masking my pain I’m not sure I’d even say that lol ok a little... I am a happy person most of the time. I know how horrible life can be so I try and focus on the positive as much as possible. But I also learned early on people didn’t ask to many questions of the happy person so it was kinda a wall so I guess that works too. I’m in therapy and destroyed all the walls so I’m a mess. But I do wanna say in normal day to day life I’m just happy... not for any other reason but knowing life is fragile and there’s a lot of pain. So I wanna experience joy and spread it. That’s just a thought.

We all have people we click with for sure. Some on sexual attraction, some deeper than that, and some just friends. Some people we don’t vibe with at all... I’ve not met many people off the bat that had just been a no go but there was something about them that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up so I was like nope we good! Something I don’t understand is why do you need to be sexually attracted to someone to be friends with them? I mean if you find someone “fugly” and immediately dismiss them without even given them a chance to be your friend you’re missing a great opportunity. The eclectic group you meet at meetings (because it’s a diverse bag lol I mean mine had the rainbow cover people to the gym jocks lol) is really how I think our community should be. All different types coming together. Ok... so you don’t find anyone you wanna be with! You make a few amazing friends and then hanging out talking they think of a friend that you have to meet and he turns out perfect... I mean you just never know. So don’t cut your nose off to spit your face man!


I really hope you find some balance to this situation

 

@r2de2baca WOW, I am sorry but I have to agree with Chip here, you and your posts come across VERY VERY poorly. You might want to read your messages again and remind yourself that it’s HUMAN BEINGS you are talking about!
Comparing them to discount sales rack is appalling same as using the word “fugly.”

Your standards of beauty are yours, you not finding someone attractive doesn’t make them ugly let alone “fugly” or unworthy. You need to have a long hard look at yourself and how you treat/talk about others and maybe consider that it could be why you are still single.

I would dare say I am not “fugly” or socially inept, far from it, BUT if I met a girl that happened to be gorgeous but who spoke of others like you I would run a mile in the other direction.

You seem to be totally unaware of what’s appropriate and not appropriate to say and seem to fail at wanting to consider your own flaws and downfalls which lead me to think that maybe while you are too busy judging others for being who they are and their social skills you fail to acknowledge your own lack of social skills and failures.

please reconsider the words you use, no doubt if you speak like this about others to others in real-life you will close many doors for yourself. I don’t know anyone who would want to date someone who speak of others in such appalling terms (thankfully!).

 

Frankly, no I won’t miss you. But don’t let that push you away from EC. Of course you are not the first person using those words, plenty of bully use them too. But when you think your standards defines other people’s worth and are an accurate representation of them, that is very dangerous and inaccurate and at 40 you should know better.

it’s not about sharing openly what your problem with the LGBT community are because your only problems seems to be that you think gay men are either “too gay” or “ too ugly” and those aren’t problems people can or should fix. Those are your OWN shallow issues that you need to work on and if those shallow issues make you angry then yes therapy for you might be a good idea. People don’t owe it to you to be good looking or more masculine, you haven’t once mentioned what you are doing to adapt to other people’s tastes or the scene yet seem to expect other men to do that for you.

 

Well I hate the idea of you leaving EC honestly because it’s a great place. I’ve had to step away because of other reasons for brief periods but the idea of doing it mad is never good. I’d definitely wait and let things settle before I made the decision. But if you do have to step away you can always come back so that’s the good thing.

So you have said velvet rage a few times and (don’t judge me please lol) I’d be lying if I said I had any clue what you were talking about. I did a quick google and I’ll look more before I comment for sure hahaha

Who we sleep with can’t be the only thing in common (though the community is so small often we have shared lovers lol)... but I love a diverse group of friends. Again there needs to be something to build on. Like the volunteer group I did, Zumba class, cooking class, etc. these are mine of course. Ways I’ve connected with people. I think a lot of guys have two spends... an anonymous quick bang and done or long term relationship on the table right away. It is hard to find someone in between. And I wanna say there’s nothing wrong with either of these. They just aren’t for everyone. Me I don’t mind a hookup but I also like a coffee date with a potential new friend and see where it goes (no commitment any where in sight right away I’m not rushing that). Finding a balance with someone you like and are attracted too is like finding a needle in a gay stack in a very small stack of gays (I live in small town lol).

What are your interests? I just realized I’ve actually not asked that at all... sorry!

 

well I hope you find what you’re looking for!

 

lol do you know what bullying and ageism is? No, I reiterate that I won’t miss you if you leave because I do NOT know you. Would you miss me if I leave? I don’t expect you will? Saying that I expect a 40 yo man to behave in a somehow mature way is not ageism, it’s basic common sense. I am in my twenties and I am pretty positive people expect me to behave better than my 12yo counterparts so sorry if I expect you, at 40, to have enough life experience and common sense to know how to be polite and mindful when addressing and referring others. No, I don’t expect a 40 yo man to use the words sales rack and fugly when referring to people that are not to their taste. Call that “ageism” and “bullying” if you like.

For someone who likes to speak badly of others and their social skills and question how sensitive people get on EC you sure as hell like to throw the “bullying” word and get offended as soon as someone addresses your own behavior. Why do you think that is?

Anyway, leave EC, or don’t. But know that if you stay, you will always be set right when using appalling descriptions to describe others. It has nothing to do with your right to express your feelings. There are plenty of ways to express how
much you hate the gay community without going down the path of outrageous insults and dehumanizing others. And had you expressed yourself in a way that wasn’t dehumanizing to others, I can guarantee you that you would have found more support on here. In life, you will find that people treat you and address you the same way you address them. Change your way of interacting and you will soon find people interact differently with you too.

 

Sounds like it will be a nice gathering....

The point I keep trying to make every time these discussions of how difficult it is for gay folks to find compatible dates is that it takes work.

I know when I came out as bisexual I imagined I would suddenly walk into this scene where I would be instantly welcomed with open arms. I would find my "people". Well, it just doesn't work that way does it? And, it is unreasonable to expect it will.

So. I say it over and over. We have to attend EVERY event we can. Try hiking groups, attend every activity thrown by the LGBT center....etc.

The OP wants a relationship with a "regular guy". That's cool. We all have our attractions. But, I will say that my "regular guy" friends would be pretty put out if I didn't go to a party with them because I was not wanting to be around other gay men who I felt were too flamboyant or campy.

Ive been chastisted in this forum a couple times for making statements about the types of guys I find attractive, or, how "gay" sometimes feels like it requires a particular look or behavior. So, I get where the OP is coming from. But, what I feel MIGHT be different from the OP is that I have become more a part of the overall LGBT community as I learn to be more accepting of the rest of the community. It's a two way street.

One needs this community to find the perfect guy because the odds he will show up out of the blue is pretty low.

If I come across as a little pushy on this it is probably because I keep pushing my boyfriend to get out there. in his case he just uses the apps and hopes the right guy shows up for him to meet. That's a strategy. But, I've known him a year and that strategy doesn't really work.

I wrote this post before a lot of the more recent posts were written but still thought I would comment. @r2b2baca, I urge you to continue engaging THIS community. I get this sense that you MIGHT give up quickly when you don't hear or see what you want to hear or see. This isn't an accusation. This is just something to consider. When challenged here, it seems you resort to lashing out in ways I bet you really don't feel and then look at running away. When you think about the "dating" scene this same attitude will not suit you well.

I say stupid things sometimes and I get called on it here. But, I live my life being as non-judgmental as I can. Part of this is that I try and engage every person I meet. It doesn't matter what they look like or what their political views or social standing is. I do this, not for myself, but because it is the way I think we all should behave. What do I get out of this? I'm not super handsome or anything but I know I would never have a problem finding someone to date (of either sex). I would suggest that instead of trying to find acceptable people to interact with you try and interact with everyone. You might be surprised what avenues this opens up to you.