Hey everyone, I live in the middle east where being gay is considered a crime. Some micro-communities like college are a lot more accepting than the outside general community, including family and friends. I have always known that I am gay, but a few months ago I came out to my family doctor who is the only person I know will accept me the way I am and not judge me. Recently, I have been more accepting of myself. I am having some thoughts of coming out to my 2 best friends. They have always expressed how they don't judge and that they are accepting, yet occasionally they give some "homophobic" comments that would show otherwise. Can anyone give me some advice on whether I should come out to them and if yes, then how I should do it?
I can't say for certain, but I would most definitely advise caution. Though you might live within a community that is a bit more tolerant than your country's laws, it could still be dangerous to come out. If you're uncertain where your friends are concerned, try to wait it out, read the room, as it were: Try to bring up topics regarding homosexuality/LGBT in general and see what kinds of responses your friends give. The occasional homophobic comment or joke might be an indicator, or it might not be; sometimes people just talk shit for the sake of talking shit, and though it's thoughtless, it's usually not done with the intention of being harmful. Take your time, stay safe, and I wish you the best of luck.
While this is ultimately up to your own judgement, I would advise you to probe the issue a bit more with your friends to see how they would react if a family member would turn out to be LGB, and go from there. I would also advise you to be very cautious about this. Being your friends, they should be more accepting of you then the people they would refer to in a homophobic way. On the flip-side, they might not. It all truly depends how much mutual trust you have. Approach this issue gently and slowly. Stay safe, alright? We’re all rooting for you.
I appreciate you rooting for me. This is my first time discussing my concerns about sexuality with anyone and it is nice to receive this kind of support ❤ Concerning my concern, the people I want to come out to are both my bestfriends. One of whom (he's a guy) I've been best friends with him since kindergarten (ie more than 15 years now) and the girl I've been best friends with her for like 7 or 8 years now. A lot of my depression has been because of people betraying me in many ways and this is why I have never opted to be in a relationship that would be toxic because of my trust issues. I literally can only trust my family doctor because I know she follows an ethical guideline. I have been to therapy once and for some reason I felt threatened and so it was my first and last time to visit a therapist.
Greetings Amer. First of all, welcome to Empty Closets. I stay in India, in South Asia, which is somewhere stuck in between holding on to Traditional values and embracing modern changes. I'm not out to a lot of people myself, and while the youth in my country are slowly coming out to their loved ones, a large portion of society is still ignorant and LGBTQ+ phobic, which is why there are still a lot of people in the closet. I can totally understand the kind of situation you're in. I'm glad you know of micro-communities in certain colleges which might be more open-minded than most. These communities, if they have any online presence, could be a place you may choose to explore in the future if you feel safe enough to do so, in my opinion. Coincidentally, the first adult I came out to, was my family doctor too! This was months before I found open-minded people my age, who I would come out to later on. My family doctor was a lady who embraced modern changes and values, without letting go of traditionalism. It also helped that she studied and worked in more modern countries (USA, UK) and was aware of what LGBTQ+ meant. I'm so glad you could come out to a physical person who won't judge you.That's a really big step and I'm so happy for you. I hesitated to come out to people I considered friends back around the same time I came out to my doctor. That hesitation was because I didn't know their opinions on LGBTQ+ in general and didn't want to alienize them if it turned out they were homophobic. I think that was a major part of why I ultimately let them go. I made new open-minded friends who I could stick with. If you have first-hand experienced how those 2 best friends don't judge and are considerably more open-minded than others,, maybe you can slowly find out exactly how open-minded they are? Is there any openly LGBTQ+ music star or actor/actress you can talk about, or a movie/tv series having LGBTQ+ characters you can talk about in a casual conversation? Maybe that will let you know "how" open-minded they are. As for some Homophobic comments, unfortunately in my opinion, you can be open-minded and still "joke". Is it nice? No. Absolutely not. Especially in today's political and social-media influenced world. But is it wrong, when people live in such a homophobic/traditionalisitic environment? Perhaps Not. I'm not saying you should cut ties with them for passing some homophobic jokes or comments if they turn out to be really supportive people. The heteronormative environment around us can really be influencing. Maybe you can take the time to tell them and show them why comments/jokes are considered homophobic and educate them about it. Going by what you've mentioned about your history with trust issues, it's a big step you'll be taking, letting your best friends know about you. Take it slow, one step at a time. I'm sure things will be alright. Keep us updated here! (Apologies for the long essay response, I just couldn't stop typing once I started! )
Thank You so much for this! Well, even though I am not a fan of the most famous LGBTQ+ band in Lebanon, they both are! You have opened my eyes on this. Actually they have attended their concerts before but unfortunately, this year's concert was cancelled because the religious leaders of the country did not allow them (Mashrou' Leila is the name of the band). Regardless, I am thinking of first coming out to my guy best friend who I am more comfortable with. Of course I will let y'all know if anything happens. Concerning the small community (i.e. college) that is more accepting, There are a lot of religious people there including both Christians and Muslims and I have a lot of relatives and people from the village that go to the same college. So, even though there won't be any judgement on campus, there will definitely be a bigger problem outside (i.e my family knowing, which can and will never happen!)
Can i advise you to be very careful as once you have told your friend you can never take it back. I know it must be hard living in a world where you can not be open about who you are even to your closest friend you can not risk unless you are certain about them being able to accept you. The advice given about testing the water by asking your friend what advice he would give to a boy or girl being gay and should he tell anyone. See what his reaction is and then use common sense. You live in a very small world so take care and I will join in wishing you wisdom and courage.
Thank you so much for your support! Your advice us really helpful. I will for sure post an update if anything major happens!
Be safe Amer. It saddens me there's so many places where people can't be open. I'm very lucky where I live. Take care.
If you live in a state-Islam country like Lebanon I can't recommend that you come out. Don't they stone people in the streets and cut their heads off for being homosexual? I understand why you want to come out, but for your own safety, at the risk of your very life, I can't recommend you come out at all. I'm a bit biased because I live in America, and we were attacked by Muslims from Saudi Arabia many years ago so I do have my prejudices, but I do know that the Islamic community is not progressive and even sponsors forced state sex changes for homosexual men in countries like yours because their reasoning is "Oh, you're not gay, you're transgender," then they force you to have a sex change. Please, for the sake of your own life and probably your family's life, don't come out until you've fled that country.
This is not true at all. We are not an islamic state. Though aroung 50% of the population are muslims, our president is a Christian. Actually the Christian community is as conservative as the muslim one. We do not stone people or kill them for being gay. Under the old laws, homosexuals are jailed but new court orders have cancelled those laws. My only concern is not being judged socially. It saddens me that there are still people that state things without knowing the facts!
You're right, I'm sorry. You have to understand, I do have prejudices, being an American. And I guess I'm associating the laws of Saudi Arabia with the rest of the Middle East. I don't know much about Lebanon. I may have been thinking of Libya. Either way, if the worst thing that's going to happen to you for coming out is being judged socially, well, that happens too here in America. I know it happened to me. I grew up fat, and people always picked on me for being fat. Then I came out as bisexual and everyone started calling me "the fat homo." So that was nice of them (sarcasm). I really regret coming out. But that's just me and for you it may be a different story.
So, I think I'm going to do it. I am going on a vacation with my friends soon. Just the three of us. What do ya'll think?
@Amer, have you thought of what you're going to say? Or how you're going to bring the topic up? I'd say it's a good idea to bring it up when you guys are alone together.
@Amer If you want to, you can write down what you want to say to them here, all of us can read it and tell you what we think of it. Regardless of that, you know your friends better than any of us, so I'm sure you know the right way to tell them. Just trust yourself! Good Luck mate!
