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Finally came out to myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by cjmiller, Sep 13, 2019.

  1. cjmiller

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    Well here goes.... I'm 46 and have been married for 20 years to a wonderful women and have 2 beautiful children. Its pretty much a perfect family except one small issue, I'm hiding my true identity.

    As I've read a few post, my story is similar to others. As far back as I can remember, I always new I was attracted to men, but felt these feeling would go away as I got older. I never wanted to act on these urges and never did. I assured myself I was bi cause I still was attracted to women. I continued down the straight lifestyle but those feelings never went away.

    The past few years I really began to question my sexuality and recently have accepted I am gay. It felt so good to say that to myself.

    Now what do I do. I love my wife, family and life we built, but I know this is a mirage. I'm not ready to tell anyone, but as each day/week/year I'm pulled closer to acting on my urges. I've never been the cheating type but find myself seeking out gay forums and chat to fulfill some of my needs.

    Hoping to find others to help me though and make new friends.

    thanks for listening.
     
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  2. Goya

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    Hi CJ and nice to meet you.

    I can relate! I’ve recently come out and have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. Now that I’ve accepted something I have also known for years the urges are ridiculous and like you I’ve never cheated in my life. My boyfriend is perfect but something’s missing and I worry I’ll always wonder what if. Does your wife know any of how you feel at all? I hope your able to come to some comfort whatever you decide
     
  3. cjmiller

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    HI Goya- thanks, for your response. I've been so long in the closet, I find it so enjoyable talking about it.

    I don't think my wife knows. Not to be stereotypically, I'm very straight acting and don't think anyone has questioned if I was gay. The one area she may suspect is our sex life has really dwindled more on my part. She was never one to "make the first move" and early in our marriage I would. Lately, I avoid contact with her. It just isn't satisfying. I
     
  4. Goya

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    It’s a relief isn’t it?! To be able to talk and be free when it comes to how you feel. Like a champagne corks gone flying after years of surpressed fizz lol. It sounds like your feeling the double edged sword of liberation and freedom but also choices and decisions about the future which are scary. I feel you, I’m going through the same. We are currently playing bed vs sofa at night. I blamed his snoring but I think it’s more about me just wanting to sleep alone and not be touched.
     
  5. cjmiller

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  6. Goya

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    Not annoying at all. As you say it’s nice to talk about it when you haven’t felt able to for so many years. It’s nice to share the real you
     
  7. Contented

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    This was exactly the same feeling I had at the very end of my heterosexuality existence. I wanted to sleep alone and not be touched by then GF. The thought of intimacy with her started to feel totally gross as I lost the first the desire and then the ability to be aroused by her. I was miserable and found any reason to argue so as to avoid physical contact. Finally reached load limit and had to act for sanity’s sake.
     
  8. Evgeny

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    Hi CJMiller,

    Congratulations are in order; you have taken a step in a forward direction; you have admitted it to yourself. The next couple steps are harder but I'm sure you can get through them when you’re ready. I would recommend to control your urges as acting on them before you come out will complicate and stress you even more. I'm sure you don't want to lose everything you already have. A quick rendezvous could be beautiful but it may force you into a bad situation. Your situation is certainly unique, I have no advice for how to start the conversation with your family. I’m certain there is someone on this site who has gone through the same. My recommendations are to scour this site for your answers. Take your time there is no rush to come out. Try to keep it under control; I know it's tough. I hope you find your answers soon.
     
  9. cjmiller

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    Yes, these are exactly the feeling I am going through. I enjoyed sexual relations with women and early in our marriage enjoyed our sex life.
    The words you use to describe your feelings are exactly what I am going through. Intimacy with her is not something I want or desire. I think of as many excuses not to have sex. It really struck me when I enjoyed porn more than being with her. Plus the porn I enjoyed the most out was exclusively gay.
     
  10. cjmiller

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    Embarrassedly, I have to admit I had one fling recently while on a business trip. This was my first time really being intimate with another man. This happened in Jan and since then I have been so confused as what to do.
     
  11. Contented

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    No question it is tough to confront our homosexuality at first. After accepting it , it becomes harder and harder to ignore it. What I thought was attraction to women was nothing when compared to my attraction to men. Even thinking about men when I was with my then GF I couldn’t get aroused. At the end even her touch annoyed me. ( my issue not her’s obviously) Leaving that relationship as cruel as it may sound to some was a giant relief. I was gay without question or reservation and wanted to live that way. I can frankly say I miss nothing about my straight past, and now as if fades further and further it almost seems impossible I was ever straight . Women aren’t even a passing cursocity these days.
     
    #11 Contented, Sep 13, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2019
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  12. cjmiller

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    I don't know when I actually admitted I was gay, but as soon as soon as I did I couldn't believe how relived I was saying it (if only to myself). I keep telling myself I was bi which strongly hurt more than knowing I'm gay. I'm hoping some day things will work out but I'm fearful of the future.
     
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  13. Contented

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    J
    During the latter stages of coming to terms with my sexuality I too decided to call myself bi. It seemed at the time easier for me to accept. However as my desire to be with a man grew and my ability to be aroused by my GF or any women for that matter faded I knew it was a lie. I started to be angry with myself for pretending to be bi when I had absolutely no desire to be with any woman and later no ability to engage in sexual relations with them. I felt bi was cop out for me. ( I have no issue with people who are bisexual but clearly I wasn’t). Once I got to this stage I needed to cut ties emotionally and literally with being straight or bi. I totally embraced being gay.
     
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  14. cjmiller

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    What really made me angry was deep down I knew I was gay but wouldn't accept it. I feel I lost so much time enjoying life. I can't live in the past though and look towards the future and see were this journey will take me.
     
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  15. Unsure77

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    For what it’s worth, you might check the later in life forum. There are a number of stories similar to yours with people married with kids who realized they were gay. You might find some advice there.
     
  16. cjmiller

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    Thanks, Usure. I've posted in that forum also and have chatted with several wonderful people.e.
     
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  17. ready2bout

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    Empty Closets is a great forum to discuss all issues. When I finally accepted that I was gay there was really not many place to seek advise. I found this website and have read a lot of truly amazing stories. It is nice to be able to tell people you are gay and express the challenges you are having dealing with your homosexuality. In my opinion the urges you have to be with a man will not go away. Its only a matter of time before you will seek out another man for sex. Once you do you will realize that it is a truly awesome experience.
     
  18. Contented

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    Ready2bout says it all the urge and need to be with a man will not go away. It will become more intense and become the focus of your life until you can shed the strangle hold compulsory heterosexuality seems to have on us. Once you do you will find being is truly awesome. It requires you to make no excuses for your same sex attraction. That attraction is as normal as anything else. The idea that somehow same sex attraction is wrong or sinful or abnormal is simply the thinking of some outdated socio-religious bs perpetrated on society by those hung up on sexuality in general.
     
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  19. Rade

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    I was with my wife for 20 years. His my sexuality all that time. But once I hid my late 30s all I really wanted was men. I have three children, I left her 13 months ago. I'm a better father and see my kids all the time. They even know I'm gay, they aren't bothered, please follow your heart. But make sure your financially secure to leave.
     
    #19 Rade, Nov 30, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2019
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  20. JToivonen

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    I know exactly how hard it can get, @cjmiller , since I've been through the same process - trying to deny/ignore/suppress my truth, then having to aknowledge it, then self-acceptance and having to separate and come out. It's tough and daunting, but I'm positive it's going to be worthy in the end. Keep on going, you're not alone!