To hookup or not to hookup? That is the question???

For explanation. I have a FWB who is 28 years younger than I am and I am happily married. It's a very "modern" arrangement. He and my wife are friends and we both think the world of him and want the best for him. I can't provide what he needs and I understand it. What I can do is provide him a friendship and intimacy. So, he isn't really compelled now to check out just any guys on the apps. This is good and bad for him. Good that he isn't seeking out casual sex and bad in that he is a bit too comfortable with the arrangement we have even though he knows he wants a partner some day. So, I'm using my resources to find him a boyfriend.

I did find some of what you describe. As a bisexual, I put up with a lot of snarky comments about my sexuality from gays at events. But, I've learned that some of this is just a cultural thing and some of it is "defensive". We are taught for so long that we are different that I think we sometimes search for an environment where we aren't different. So, I do see the "campy" behavior too in group settings. But, my friends are just "regular" guys. Sure, when we party "gay" there can be a bit of the what may be considered "acting gay". That's OK. Because the idea is just that we can be whatever we want to be even if it is just being a bit loose at a party.

I think that @OGS had a point. It is easy to get discouraged and say "this is not me...I am out of here". I once found myself leaving a gay campout picnic and sitting and crying for a couple hours in my truck. I felt sorta like a junior high kid who didn't belong. But, I went back and visited with these guys on my terms and they respected it and I made some friends. Later, I ran into some of the same guys at a gay ski week and they introduced me to some guys more like me and I now have a number of close friends. You just have to keep going back till you find your place. You would be surprised how many guys there are that are more like you than you might think.

This may sound a bit harsh. But, one sees what he wants to see. Assuming you will fail and stop trying will bring about that failure. This is a conversation I have at least once a month with my friend who also feels like he will never find what he wants.

 

R2d2baca. I can totally relate to a lot of what you said. Just out of curiosity how old are you? Remember as i always say. “It could be worse, you could be in Alabama like me. Not much opportunities to meet anyone here for friends much less anything else. Part od my problem too is that i dont fit in with most gay guys. I am mechanically minded and always fixing things. I collect signs and railroad and traffic signals (all work by the way) lol and my house is decorated like a cracker barrel with old ans unusual stuff on every wall. Lol. So needless to say, i dont fit in with much of anyone much less a gay someone. :-( and im 50 and just about ready to give up looking.

 

OP, I think you are being extra sensitive as @OGS ‘ posts didn’t come across as patronizing to me at all but in fact quite light-hearted and rather agreeing with you, like we all did, that hoping for a relationship with this flight attendant would be crazy.

The thing is, you posted, we all replied along the same lines, you refused to acknowledge us and you are now upset that what we predicted happened.

NOT ALL gay men just want to hook up (you are proof of that) but yes the chances of someone whose job is to travel most of the time and stay for 24 hours only somewhere is most likely to lead them to only want to hook up. If you try something with people like this you are BOUND to be disappointed. It has nothing to do with living in gaytopia.

You also seem very bitter/uncomplimentary of a good section of the gay population that doesn’t suit your standards. You say other gay men made little digs at you but your whole post is full of digs at them and people like OGS who make the queer life work for them.

The thing is, the scene is what it is, you can either partake in it the way it is or make it your own. If you want meetups for masculine gay guys who enjoy museum trips, create a group, and organize it. If you want a group for gay guys looking for a relationship, again create it. You can’t complain about the scene and people who make it work for them while not trying to do the same.

I can guarantee you that I have spent most of my life hearing men complain about how hard it is to date girls, and nobody wants them and I hear the same from lesbians. Those are guys (or girls) usually who stay at home or do very little to entice people to them but think the world owes them a relationship because they are a “good person”. I am not saying there is no hardship in dating. I am lucky in that department now but it was hard work to get there and make the scene my own, it required me to accept that the scene is what it is and I need to adapt or fight for the changes I want to see in it, so I did both.

I have a (female) friend who is similar to you actually. She doesn’t understand why I spend so much time in the gay scene and privilege gay events over straight one, and low-key looks down on me for it but then complain about being single and not finding anyone. The thing is, there are people of all types in the gay scene, people who want to hook up and others who want a relationship, but if you make assumptions about the whole scene before giving them the time of the day then of course you won't meet anyone.

The thing with your current scenario is that this guy was pretty straight forward about what he was looking for aka ''a 'friend' he could have sex with" during his layovers and deep-down, I think you knew it but you chose to ignore it and are now disappointed. If you decide to ignore red flags to suit your own imaginary perfect scenario, you will be disappointed, and you will think every gay man is the same which is obviously not the case but when they show you who they are, believe them, don't push your own ideals onto the situation, which is what OGS was ultimately saying, that while he '' dated'' (aka had sex) with some flight attendant, he never DATED them as he knew better.

I think you will find someone but you need to go into it positively and be ready to put in the work and make the changes you want to see in the scene.

 

I know a lot of things have been said but I’ll admit I am a bit confused. It seems he was honest that he didn’t want more than “cuddles” (which often translates to a lot more than cuddling) and you were honest you wanted more than a layover friend with benefits situation... so correct me if I’m wrong but you guys just aren’t on the same flight here, right? There’s nothing wrong with either by the way.

I think the biggest problem is when you change your boundaries for someone else in an effort to get them to change theirs. It’s just really unfair to you, and them. Here we are talking about flight attendants (well people who enjoy no strings attached hook ups situations in general) as if their moral standard/core values are less than that of those who choose “more traditional” approaches. I find this as crazy as saying gay guys who want to use that approach, get married, have kids are someone how bowing down to a heteronormative lifestyle and thus less proud of themselves as gay men. We kinda gotta get to a point where we say this guy isn’t looking for me in any kind of why and I’m not looking for him lol... but not judging each other because we aren’t a match. Just live and let live.

So to hookup of not to hookup??? If that’s still the question, I need clarification. If it is for me to answer about myself... I say well ISS grab a condom and have some fun it’s your lucky night lol. If it’s in reference to you... only you can give the final answer, but based on what you shared I’d say not. There are great ways to meet amazing guys who would probably be better matches... like volunteer with the nearest LGBTQ+ organization... I meet several guys through the one about 30 mins away who I think fits into how you described your approach. Actually one of them I just had the pleasure of seeing get married

 

You are right in your assessment that gay dating is brutal!

Now let's take a step back.

How this flight attendant is behaving is a reflection on HIM and not you. YOU are a decent guy who wants a relationship. He's chosen to be a faker. That's on him and not you.

I agree that it takes a lot of hard work to find a BF. It's been my experience that instead of seeing dating as a series of failures and disappointments, I learn from each experience to figure out what I could do differently or new places where I could meet potential BF. Know what you want and figure out where to meet those kinds of guys. You seem to be on this path, so don't let this faker discourage you!

Is there anything that you could learn from this experience?

Best,
SF

 

I have occasional hook ups. I'm actually seeing two guys but both not that frequently. I'm 44 and one of them is 25 and the other 60. I keep to just the two guys, met them both separately recently. I will go in a few weeks for another sti check up. If I catch anything I will know it was through one of them. Always use condoms for anal but not for oral. There is no shame on my part, I've only been out 22 months. Before I settle down, I want to enjoy myself. I'd previously been faithful to my wife before coming out gay for 20 years.

 

OP I do want to clarify the changing boundaries not being fair was about you saying you’d meet him knowing what he wanted and him saying he’d meet you knowing your boundaries and that he wanted a quick lay...over! Flaking on someone is a dick move and I hate it in any environment. If I say I’m gonna do something or be somewhere... I’m there on time with bells on no matter what. If I’m dead and have to cancel I let them know as soon as I know. So I totally agree... eff him! I wouldn’t waste any more time and I’m serious. I have a really good friend I meet after coming out (he’s gay too) and we become friends right away. Not the friends you sleep with just friends friends lol. Well he was always a little flighty which bothered me some. But finally after the second time of him canceling plans after I’d already left the house to meet him because of some lame reason (the first time he didn’t even call me I called him when I got to
The coffee shop) I decided I’d never make plans with him again and I haven’t lol. If we are in town at same time we hang out. But I won’t make special plans it’s been 2 years. He asked why I told him last year and I told him. He was pissed a minute but got over it cause he knew it was true... the point if you think they are worth having in your life find a way but don’t make them more important than you are.

So I know the gay community can be a bit of a hard place lol I mean I came into it late... and over 320 lbs... so I totally get it. But sometimes the energy we put off can push people away that wouldn’t normally be... so if you know you are in a negative, bitter place in our community maybe that’s the thing to sort out first... that way you don’t settle for less then you deserve!

 

Well im 50. If u get desperate, move to alabama.

 

I noticed your profile restricts who can view or so i dont know if you are a full member or not. If so, drop me a message.

 

Well..I am dragging him to a happy hour on Friday thrown by the local LGBT center as a fund raiser....maybe you'll attend?