I keep liking/crushing on girls that are already in a relationship. I hate it, it takes me like forever to admit my feelings for someone and tell them I like them. Or I keep falling for straight girls, it’s so hard for me to tell if a girl is straight or not. Unless she dresses more masculine, I have no idea. It’s getting harder for me to even approach girls. If it’s rejection I am afraid of, then it’s the fact if I don’t know if she’s straight or not, or if I’m going to get punched in the face. I want to start dating, but it’s super hard to do that in the closet. And I doubt I’ll use a dating app, with my luck I feel like I would meet a serial killer. Also I rather meet someone naturally (in real life) but I am afraid to join a gay club at my college or go to any gay events. I feel like if I have to approach girls because they don’t approach me. And to be honest, even if one did, I would take it as a joke. Like who would give me the time of day? I know it’s terrible to say this, but if you been rejected your whole life (being laughed at by girls, telling a girl you like her and she tells everyone, having people never really wanting you around) you would feel like this too. I finally moved out of my mother’s house (I am 25) and now I live in an apartment with 3 of my cousins. I am slightly happier, but I still can’t be the person I want to be (I don’t know who I want to be). I’m still in the closet but basically everyone in my family probably know that this point that I am gay. Like I don’t want them to know, but I know they know, no matter how much I deny it (because they always ask me). I honestly rather take it to my grave, than to admit it to them. I feel weird coming out, I feel vulnerable, I can literally feel people’s judgement on me. I feel weak. I don’t like being open. Why does coming out feel like this? How do I fix my life and dating life?
It can be really, really hard, especially without a lot of support. Vulnerability is a big part of it, what with sexuality remaining a hot-button topic in a lot of places and for a lot of families. By coming out you're publicly acknowledging and owning everybody's silent judgement and that can be extremely daunting. Everybody finds their own time, but in my experience the thing that made all the difference was accepting that I'll probably only get the one life and I'm the only one who has to live it. I decided that I could deal with the microscope, the disapproving family, and society's BS because it also meant that I could live my life as a gay person without having my life consumed by my dark gay secret. Something about everybody's gossip and judgement being put out in the open made it less of a factor for me, but of course everybody's journey is different. RE: dating and rejection, unfortunately it's average that 90/100 people you meet day to day are straight so straight crushes, unrequited affection, and even rejection are going to be factors in places with smaller queer dating pools. I can't even tell you how many unrequited crushes I've had on straight guys (and when I was younger, caught my fair share of rejection from straight guys as well). I was afraid to step into the gay dating scene, especially because I know it can be rough on feminine guys, but I did it and my life improved immeasurably. Apps, events, clubs, you name it. It was weird and difficult feeling so exposed at first, but then my life started filling up with friends that understood me, and guys that were actually available to me, and that brought me to now. Only you will know what's right for you, but I caution you not to let anxiety hold you back from widening your world, even if only bit by bit. You deserve to be happy!
I think you need to start by coming out of the closet, dating (healthily) while you are in the closet is near damn impossible. I have had experiments and fun while in the closet but a lot more heartbreak too than since I have been out. From what you say, everybody knows you are gay, and if they already strongly suspect it, then what they would think of you if you were openly gay already applies. Everytime some of my friends who were obviously queer but were adamantly denying it and fighting to stay in the closet (yet are now out), were way more ridiculous when denying the obvious than now they are embracing who they are. We all (and I involve all my straight friends here) were mindblown that they were still struggling to accept themselves to the point of wanting to make life harder for themselves in the closet when we all had accepted them already and couldn't have care less about them being gay as much as we cared about the fact that they weren't being genuine with us/them. I needed a few years to figure out my sexuality so I get it, but damn I wish I would have come out earlier than I did (19) as life is so much easier once out (at least for me). Regarding dating, you need to accept that rejection is part of the game BUT that it doesn't define you nor your worth. All it means when you are rejected is that this person isn't interested, and that's okay, the same way that when you aren't interested in someone yourself, it doesn't mean that they aren't worthy of love or to be loved, you simply aren't interested. So take it as that. I have never seen a woman being aggressive, let alone violent upon hearing someone is interested in them, as long as it's done respectfully. I have had girls I wasn't interested in, be interested in me and I was honored and definitely appreciated their honesty and never would have punched them in the face or anything like that (regardless of my relationship status). I have learned to stop fearing rejection on the same basis. Rejection isn't personal, one can decide to take it personally or not, but I decide not to and you should do the same. Eventually you will find the one but you do need to learn to love yourself first and embrace who you are. If you doubt why someone would want to be with you, you can't expect someone else to confidently want to be with you. I see a lot of girls with low self-esteem and it breaks my heart because some of them I would 100% date and I think they are gorgeous and have everything but then I realize they don't believe it and it's not ground for healthy relationship. I don't want to date a girl who need me to remind her of her worth, I want to date girls who know they are worth it and would not hesitate to dump me if I started to make them doubt their worth.
Thanks. I've had family members tell me that they would still love me if I was gay, but we all know actions speak louder than words. And I am afraid that they are just saying that to make me feel better, so I'll come out and then treat me like crap afterwards. I've been bullied for being gay in middle school, and sad to say that it kinda still affect me to this day. That's why it's so hard for me to come out or ask/tell girls that I like them and I'm super protective of myself because no one stood up for me. I wish that didn't happen because I would be a different person, being bullied every day for 3 yrs (middle school) is part of the reason why I guess you can say hate myself and have barley any confidence. I self-deprecate a lot because no one can use something against me if I say it first. How did you gain the confidence to go to gay bars, clubs, etc? like are you afraid to hold hands with someone in public? Another part of my fear is that I would get beat up for being gay, how do you get over that fear?
Well, being beaten up for being gay is more a male thing than a female one. Not to say it never happens but it's far more rare. As long as you are properly respecting the wishes of the one you're interested in, most women will just say, 'im flattered, really, but I'm straight' and call it good. Middle and high school are horrible environments. I hated every second. I hate the very institution- corralling children in buildings with minimal supervision, essentially small towns- it's a mess of prejudices and quite frankly, traumatizing in some way to everyone, some just more obvious than others. I'm not gay, I'm asexual, which in some ways is worse to some people. I know however how hard it is to be open about sexuality. The first piece of advice I have is getting some therapy with an LGBT friendly therapist, who will be able to help you get past some of your fears and develope healthier self esteem. As for dating, I have no experiences with that, but it seems to me that as with anything, you should crawl before you walk. You really want to date and be with someone, but is that fair to them when you're in the closet? They'd be your dirty little secret, no one wants that. Try and get yourself comfortable first, come out to your family and friends, actually make room in your life for someone. When you're really ready to date or have a partner, it won't be nearly as frightening.
You’re not the only person that has told me that I should be nicer to myself. I embrace almost everything about me accept the gay part. Lol. Like I hate to admit it, but I hate being emotional and I thought being in the closet would help me avoid that, but it really doesn’t. I rather be an asshole/be mean and protect myself. I always thought that I could hide that I am gay, and just live a double life and be ok. But now I want to date, and hold hands etc. I want that but I’m also afraid that I will be killed for being gay or being in a gay bar or club. I mean it is rare that it can happen, but it still doesn’t make me want to jump out of the closet and scream I’m gay. Lol. I also know that the whole relationship thing isn’t gonna happen for a while, which sucks because I am not even talking to someone like that and because I have issues to work on, and who knows how long it will take to get through them. And I was bullied and middle school about being gay, and I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge against the people who did it. However, I do remember everything, it like its PTSD. I expect the worst to happen because I got laugh at for asking a girl out, or she showed everyone the messages I sent, or people saying they like me and saying sike right afterwards. It pretty much made me over protective of myself, kind made me hate myself and self-deprecate a lot. I am also super duper afraid to even have the conversation with my family about being gay, I rather lay down in the middle of the road and pray a car doesn’t hit me than tell them. I am afraid things will get weird after I tell them that. How did you decide you was going to a gay club or gay bar? What should I expect?
Yeah, I get what you mean about keeping them a secret. Nobody wants that, I guess I was living in a fantasy. I never in my life imagine that I would come out to my family, but here we are. I hate the idea of coming out but I guess I have to do it because maybe it will help me. Living in the south, I doubt that I can find a LGBT therapist, but I’ll look into it. I know my generation has it slightly easier with the who coming out process, but it’s still not where it should be if that makes sense?
Finding an LGBT therapist might be easier than you think. A lot of therapists now are LGBT friendly, even if they don't advertise as such. Plus, therapists do talk to one another. Get a therapist at first, and ask at your appt if they're LGBT friendly. If they aren't, just ask for a referral to one who is. You can also ask at any mental health center about LGBT friendly therapists. Information is free. Go ahead and take the first steps, take as much time as you need.
Yeah, on the balance I think male+gay is more likely to lead to violence. That said, there is definitely something to knowing where you are and while I'm typically comfortable showing my boyfriend affection in public, I'll admit that I tone myself down in very conservative-type areas (was recently at a wedding in rural Kentucky where I did so) because while I feel I'm in the right on lgbtqia+ issues, you've gotta take safety seriously. Family can be more supportive than you'd expect and it can be good to test the waters with people that have already said they'd take it well. For what it's worth, even in my very conservative mother's very conservative family (which I do not in general get on with) my aunts and female cousins have generally been supportive. My grandma on that side in particular is amazing. Just a little bit of support from family can make a lot of difference so if it's possible to have, it's worth considering IMO. For confidence, I just kept reminding myself that I only live once. I guess I just felt like I owed it to myself to try to be happy. I was really scared to step out there (I'm naturally quite shy) but being around people who understand some of your challenges can really encourage you to open up and it only took a few times going to some gay-oriented events and things (Google is helpful here) before I started making friends, or at least acquaintances, with whom I could explore my identity and orientation and make new comfort zones for myself. ^ super-agree. Even in heavily conservative areas, doctors, therapists, and other well-educated professionals can often be more open-minded as they've been exposed to more of the world in positive settings. It might still be more challenging than googling for LGBT-friendly therapy here in Boston or in Chicago or something, but chances are there are more resources out there in your area than you realise.
Do you think I should wait till my family ask me me again to come out or just come out on my own? Also, I have a friend that is gay and he told me if I needed him there when I come out to my mom he would be there/help, do you think it would make things weird? I mean my mom loves him, if it helps. And do you think it's selfish not to come out? My friend (the same one that would help me come out) said that it is, and that I'm lying to my family by living a double life. I mean I haven't been living a double life if I haven't been dating.
Are there places you can can go to be in a supportive environment? An LGBT- friendly therapist is a great safe space. Are there community centers or other groups around your area? Being with others who are like you does soooo much to help gain confidence and acceptance. Being with a group of people where you don’t feel weird or like the outcast is so healing. It doesn’t fix every problem but it helps a lot! You and only you are in charge of when you come out of the closet. If you want to come out the next time someone asks then great, but there is something big to taking the control and power over that situation. Plus someone may ask you at a point when you don’t feel equipped to handle the discussion or response that may follow. It’s super super hard, but the feeling afterward has pretty much always been better than the closeted feeling (in my experience). Thus far I haven’t come out to anyone with a negative response (reserving those for later) so I’m sure there will be some crappy experiences, but for me the thing I know for sure is that the closet has absolutely sucked. The depression, anxiety, secrecy has all been so much worse than anything I’ve been met with on the other side. You don’t have to start with your family either. You could start with a random conversation with a stranger, it could be a friend you don’t know well. I recommend coming out to whoever you’d find the very most supportive first. Do whatever you need to build your community of support and they can help you with the harder ones, either by being present or knowing when the conversation is happening and being a safe/supportive option if the response is not good. baby steps are okay. It can seem overwhelming but you don’t have to tackle it all at once. All the best to you. You are amazing just the way you are.
Also I don’t think it’s selfish to not come out. If anything it may be the opposite ? There are so many things that hold us back...fear probably being the biggest. A lot of times people don’t want to hurt or disappoint the people they love. That’s not selfish. It’s misguided, but certainly not selfish.
