Insanely anxious and depressed about my sexuality

OP, you know who you are and obviously if someone seems confused about what she wants it seems to be her.

You know you like women and this hasn't seemed to change, despite her negativity about it, the fact that you can't have a biological child with a woman is, I am sure, not news to you and so why do you see it differently now than you did 13 years ago? Family isn't defined by biology, it's define by love and bonds you create with the people around you. Having a ''father'' is neither here nor there, and definitely not necessary.
My parents are straight yet my father is horrible, I would have much preferred two mothers or two good fathers over the family I have had.

I have worked with queer families, and been part of many kids life with two moms, two dads or two non-binary parents and the kids are as settled as any other kids and definitely more settled than kids with dysfunctional families.

If you want a baby with your partner you can, you can adopt, you can go through IVF you can even use one of your partners egg and have it implanted in you so you have a child that is both a little bit of you, like any straight couple.

Being straight would not guarantee your happiness or the one of your child.

She's obviously not very happy in hers isn't she? So why want to have a similar life to her?

ps: on another, yet important, note, as I find it irritating when other women tear down other women, BUT a woman doing what she wants with her body (including having a lot of sex) doesn't make her a slut, or slutty, we really need to stop criminalizing women's sexuality, especially as women ourselves.

 

Kelsey,

I know you mentioned not being friends with this person anymore but depending on how much you see her I’d try to cut off as much contact as possible. There’s no reason to make any space in your life for someone who has had such a toxic influence. Not worth it.

you mentioned ssri medication. I’m no medical professional but I’m wondering if obsessive and/or anxious thoughts are a struggle for you? It sounds like the voice of this person has become a source of obsessive thoughts. If so, hopefully your therapist could give you some good tools to work around the message you’re telling yourself. As I’ve been walking through coming out I’ve had periods of time where I’m having fake conversations with people I know who wouldn’t be supportive...arguing with them, trying to make my case etc. I can get totally derailed and depressed from these non existent conversations. The advice my therapist gave me (which is cbt based apparently) is to work to stop and notice whenever I’m having those thoughts. Become an outside observer during those times and say “oh, I’m having a fake conversation right now.” No judgment. No trying to forcibly stop myself from it, just observing. Then, if I want/need to go a step further I can ask myself “what is true right now?” And that’s just basic stuff like, I’m in my house right now. There’s no one here with me. It’s raining outside. I have no metric for how much that helped, but I think it did.

 

Hi there, it seems like you're determined to work through this, I believe if you have that desire then you will. This pain will come to an end and this girl and the things she did will loose power over you. What you've experienced is really heartbreaking and it genuinely makes me angry so I would like to give you some advice, having met a variety of people and found myself in all sorts of sh*t concerning maliscious people.

First off you have to see her for what she is, shallow. She needs power over other people in order to temporarily bolster her self esteem. She doesn't realise that it comes from within, and nothing external will ever fill that hole. A lot of the things she did were power games used to make you feel inferior. I'm going to write all the things I seen her do in your post, and write encouragement along Side:

1. Confusion. When people and situations are confusing, messages tend to get into your head more easily. Things get mixed up, the brain can't make sense of it, so it relaxes and it becomes much easier for the words of other people. This can really undermine your trust in yourself, it's similar to gaslighting in that you can really doubt every choice you made and everything that you are. You need to build trust in yourself again, remember who you are, and what made you happy. You've been filled with a lot of "I should's" and not enough "I want". This is a time to discover your joy, it may look different than it did before, and we are all constantly evolving. Often after something like this, finding something new, or pursuing something you've always wanted to do, can be very empowering.

2. Repeatedly using the "you can't make children" argument to make you feel inferior, to make you feel like she has something that you don't. Perhaps she's jealous, perhaps she just likes messing with you, perhaps she has terrible self esteem (hence terrible boyfriend) so has to bring you down. What's worse is that she has so many angles on it, it's like she's zoning in on you. Truly toxic, and typical of a toxic person not happy with their own life. Think about the things you DO have! You are a lesbian, you never have to deal with men the way she does in her past and present, you don't have to have children to have a fulfilling life! If she puts her entire leverage on the fact she can have children, then she is purposely trying to undermine you. Think whether you really in your heart want children, or is it just because some one told you that you should. At 27 the clock isn't running out, my mother had me in her 40s. Her best friend, who is 60 AND straight, chose not to have children. She has dogs instead and that fulfils her, despite being able to make children. It's such a lie that society tells us, similar to the lie that being with a man is the only way to be happy. Again rediscover your truth and follow your joy.

3. She thinks she has power over you because you're a lesbian, that doesn't make her seem all that clever. She believes she can gain power from you by making herself attractive to you, and at the same time bringing you down. Believe me, she's not just a 'slut' in a void, she isn't just like this, she's using it to hurt you and make you, again, inferior. I'm sure it bolsters her self esteem also. It's hard sometimes to understand why you allowed this person to be your friend, don't feel bad about it, we all make mistakes and quite often we don't always know how someones gonna turn out! Was she fun to be around? Did you feel sorry for her? Maybe both? What did you feel was lacking in your life when you lowered your boundaries for her. There must have been something. Be gentle with yourself here, remind yourself that you didn't intend to bring yourself harm by being her friend. It's important to know that your sister was probably not warning you against her because of her behaviour, but because of the affect someone like that's life will have on you. It's important in order to stay safe to stay away from people with bad reputations, their lives are very chaotic and very unhappy, and they move in groups of people who are the same. I know this from my own experience, it seems harsh but nothing is in a void by itself, everything IS connected.

4. Manipulating those around you. She's telling people that she's in love with you, so that they'll feel sorry for her, and mention it to you, like you've done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong, and these people don't know the situation. Personally I would bat those comments away, they're a desperate attempt to hurt you when there are no other options. And frankly that's the best she can do nothing your out of her sites, it's as if she has to send scouts because you're too far away. Remember that these people are not intending to hurt you, that she's using them as much as she used you. It's frustrating to be reminded of how others can't see the truth, and how explaining it would be crossing your own boundaries, and may not be believed by some. Either way the only solution is to block it from your life. This is another boundary thing, but this time you have to set it up with those around you. Tell them you don't want to discuss it or hear about it, end of. You don't need to offer an explanation, and in fact it would take the power away from it. Eventually your bluntness will travel down the grape vine and reach her, reminding her that she has no power over you.

5. Possessiveness. Flipping out when she couldn't possess you. Pretty obvious here that she's upset that you put up a boundary. When a boundary is put up against someone, that tells them that they do not own you. She wants to have you to herself because she feeds off you, but you aren't hers and never will be. It's pathetic that she can't stand on her own two feet, that she has to lean her full body weight on someone else in order not to crash into a self pitying hole. Look how weak that is. You have to see her for what she is, and see the differences between you. Take pride in your own achievements, big and small. The things you've worked hard for, the places you spent your energy. Be grateful for the things you have, the stable things in your life, write them down every day. Start with 3 things your grateful for today. This has helped me tremendously as someone who has struggled with mental illness, abuse and general negativity my whole life. No it won't make the rubbish go away, but it'll make the good things in your life take more room in your head.

6. Making you feel sorry for her. She probably saw you were an empathetic person and gave you a barrage of one sided bullshit. And yes if it's true, which some of it probably will be, she will take the victim position and not respond to any advice you give her. She needs to maintain her victimhood in order for you to pity her. Often I've seen wonderful people be victim to these vampires, it's the truly caring and empathetic people that these people latch onto. That's not because you are bad and deserve it, but because she recognised your worth (the worth of your energy, it's like gold to them) and wanted to take it for herself. It can be hard when your empathetic and caring to refuse someone in need, but understand she thrives off this feeling of being in need. It's contradictory because she also has to feel better than you! I mean that's contradictory too because you are better than her and it's just something she could never aspire to be! She probably feels like dirt about herself, don't let her have power over you, take your power back!

I hope I've helped here, I really hate to see this kind of emotional trauma, and I know how confusing and even subtle it can be.