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Sex is a struggle; coming from someone who was previously abused and forced into heterosexual sex

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by MsAnchor, Nov 19, 2019.

  1. MsAnchor

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    I'm not big on being touched and having sex and not because I do not enjoy it but I need to feel very safe and in the mood, it may be because I had to subconsciously know that it is my choice and not because the other person needs to have sex then and now. I was forced to get married previously and through conditioning allowed myself to be forced into having sex with him and I've learned to numb myself and that this was an obligation I had to endure.
    As a child my mother was big on beating and pinching to discipline which caused the main issue of hating being touched, she eventually stopped during mid-teens but by then I closed myself off wanting any human touch.
    Now I am in a relationship with someone who loves me and I love deeply but I still have an aversion sometimes, sex sometimes can be a struggle and I guess that I still have a problem with un-numbing myself.
    Any thoughts on how I can get through this? i want to enjoy intimacy more with my partner
     
    18breanna likes this.
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey MsAnchor,

    First, I'm sorry to hear you had to go through those difficulties, but I'm happy to hear things are going better now!
    Communication is key. If you have a partner who respects you and who is willing to listen (if not, then that's a huge red flag), then talk to her about sex. Talk about your expectations, about what you enjoy and anything else you feel that might be relevant. Having an open communication window is essential for a healthy relationship, even if it feels weird at first.

    Another thing that might help is to use more time in foreplay. And I don't mean just oral sex and genital touching. I mean everything that might help you to feel more comfortable, like kissing, hugging, cuddling, saying or whispering things that you both enjoy... Talk to her and be creative! :wink:

    And, if you aren't feeling like it after starting, remember you have the right to stop anytime. Sex must be pleasurable for both of you, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to. If she respects you, she will understand that.

    Alternatively, if you feel these feelings are too overwhelming, talking to a therapist about all of this may also help you a lot!
     
    Lek, MsAnchor and 18breanna like this.
  3. MsAnchor

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    Thank you so much, I feel like I'm missing out so much because of old baggage
     
  4. Chiroptera

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    No problem! Take your time. If you have a partner who respects you, she will understand. :slight_smile: