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To hookup or not to hookup? That is the question???

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by r2de2baca, Nov 25, 2019.

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  1. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    Hey older gents, I need advice. Dating has basically sucked for me. Im not meeting what I like through the gay avenues available. I did meet someone on a dating app that seems to like me. Problem is he is a flight attendant and lives in another country. We met once on his previous layover. We just had food and a drink. No hook ups. I didnt go to his hotel. It went ok. He was attractive but I cant say it was sparks. Maybe we were supposed to be friends. But he left the next day and was still flirty and told me we should cuddle next time.

    On his next trip which was also for only a day, he wanted me to come over to his hotel when he arrived. He gave me no notice. I had other plans and I also didnt want to go to a strangers hotel. I suggested hanging the next day and exploring the city. He said yes but when we were supposed to hang the next day he said he was tired and had to get ready to leave that night so we did not hang. I did not like this because he hung with his friends earlier that day so if this was his only time to see me why wouldnt he try and make the effort.

    Well he is coming again soon. I know he will likely want to hookup or do some cuddling". He says he is careful about stds but I have no way of knowing. I would be ok to go out for a date and get to know him better in person but who knows if he will make time. He told me earlier there could never be a real relationship due to distance. Im ok with being a friend but I am also lonely and with the holidays coming again and alone another year Im thinking maybe I should just do something hookupish but I am scared because who know who he has been with on his other ports of call and layovers. I dont wanna really hookup but I feel like trying to look for actual love evades me in the gay lifestyle so maybe this is the best I can get. What should I do.I think I will feel empty after hooking up to be honest but maybe if you cant beat em I should just join em?
     
    #1 r2de2baca, Nov 25, 2019
  2. Lin1

    Lin1
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    Based on what you have said I wouldn’t do it because it’s obvious you wouldn’t find it fulfilling or fun and I speak as someone who do like hooking up.

    it’s clear he only wants to hook up and that’s probably why he cancelled on hanging out outdoors while still hanging out with his friends in the morning. So if that’s friendship you want I think I would pass on him altogether as I don’t think that’s what he can nor is interested in giving you.

    You definitely don’t have to reduce your standards but you might have to accept that it might take you a little more time to find what you are looking for. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Lin1, Nov 25, 2019
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  3. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    Thanks. I mean I want to hang out. Heck I may want to kiss too or cuddle and not have a penis or nudity come out. But I want to be safe too and there's no time for testing and all of that stuff. Also Im scared that if I want to do things platonic or I am slow and do not want to get my penis sucked or my clothes off then maybe he will call me a tease or get mad or frustrated. That is why I do not want to go there. Ideally I want to date and meet someone how may love me. I think he just wants to shag and strings me along being nice as a potential friend when he is only interested in probably sexing my loins.

    Part of me wants to flake back on him when he shows up and say I am busy or sorry maybe next trip. I think after he flaked the last time it made me lose interest in taking him seriously even as a friend. Now I feel like I am just using him for someone to talk/text with because I am lonely and maybe I should just use him for my own limited safe sexual encounter jollies. But I am so afraid of diseases there not much Id even do with him without going nuts afterwards.

    Should I just jump in? No pun intended...
     
    #3 r2de2baca, Nov 25, 2019
  4. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    any other advice from you wise older gayges? (gay sage).
     
    #4 r2de2baca, Nov 25, 2019
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  5. SiennaFire

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    The pertinent question is what do think about this guy?
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Nov 25, 2019
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  6. DecentOne

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    Ok, so the electronic communications are good, but he doesn’t send sparks when you meet in person, and he just seems to want you to come to his room. So, no, doesn’t seem you want this, other than dating isn’t going well. Don’t settle. You want more (or different) from him.
     
    #6 DecentOne, Nov 25, 2019
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  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Keep in mind, also, that (while this is not always the case), being a flight attendant, especially a gay flight attendant, often comes with a lack of interest in commitment. I know flight attendants who are in committed relationships, but I'll also tell you that, statistically, there are a lot of issues with addiction and alcohol abuse, which are usually tied with commitment issues, and that flight attendants, male and female, are often in the field because of the freedom it provides to have a loose, independent lifestyle punctuated by hookups without commitment. And he's already told you that a relationship wouldn't be possible.

    So as others have said, what are you after here? Given the messages he's already given, it's unlikely you'll get a meaningful long-term friendship from him, because it doesn't seem like that's his style. So if you want to do a hookup, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you don't... you may find the whole thing disappointing, as it sounds like his expectation might be for the occasional hookup when he's in town, and it doesn't sound like that's what you're after.
     
    #7 Chip, Nov 25, 2019
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  8. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    Well I know it sounds silly but he is cute and i thought we could hang out and have dinner or do a fun activity or something and get to know each other while he is here. Yah know kinda build up a friendship so that maybe on layover 4 or 5 I would feel more comfy maybe going to the hotel room and making out. But at this time I feel like I would be some "layover" and only one of however many others he has. He is not into drugs or drinking he said so thats good but he did say or allude to having other sexual situations with others. Who they are when it happen or how many I have no clue. I just feel like I deserve something more than a quick fling in some airport hotel from someone that is more interested in getting me into their room than hanging out with me. But maybe I am being to old fashioned? Maybe he is not just trying to use me to slide on my runway or see my landing gear go down? I dont know but I dont think I am ready for sex and the little I am physically ready for could make him upset and call me a tease?
     
    #8 r2de2baca, Nov 26, 2019
  9. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    He seems nice but doesnt seem like he wants a relationship and may not want a friendship. I honestly just liked the attention he was giving me because nobody else was. It felt good to get his messages :frowning2:
     
    #9 r2de2baca, Nov 26, 2019
  10. Lin1

    Lin1
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    I wouldn’t go for it, you want something meaningful and he can’t give you that so I would either accept that he wants a quick fling and go for it or pass.
     
    #10 Lin1, Nov 26, 2019
  11. SiennaFire

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    It seems that you are looking for a relationship before having sex (and this guy doesn't want a relationship). So it's best for you to go after what you want and not hook up with this guy. Does this reflect how you feel?

    You could try and start a platonic friendship with this guy, though it's unclear that's what he wants. Just be clear that you aren't interested in hooking up and gauge his reaction.

    While I understand that it feels good to enjoy the attention, it's not clear how this aligns with your goal of finding a relationship.
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Nov 26, 2019
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  12. Chip

    Chip
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    I'm with SiennaFire. He's made it clear he isn't interested in relationships, and his occupation stereotypically supports that. So in two ways you're getting the message that he's not into relationships. Thus, it's highly unlikely he's going to be patient through 4 or 5 dates, over 4 or 5 trips, with the hope that it will eventually lead to something.

    Not to be harsh, but my guess is the attention is because he wants to get in your pants. Since it seems you want more than that... you could take SiennaFire's advice and make it clear you aren't interested in hookups (period) which will tell you if he's interested in friendship or not. My guess is he probably won't be, but of course I could be wrong.
     
    #12 Chip, Nov 26, 2019
  13. OnTheHighway

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    Chip, why didn’t you give me this advice six years ago! LOL
    I have a rule, and it’s from experience, NEVER have a relationship with a flight attendant.
     
    #13 OnTheHighway, Nov 26, 2019
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  14. OGS

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    Hey! I've known quite a few lovely flight attendants over the years. I mean I never dated one, although I "dated" a few. I mean I'm not crazy...
     
    #14 OGS, Nov 26, 2019
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  15. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    I've noticed your general persoective anytime anyone makes a genralization about a segment in the gay community is "Hey I know tons of (insert gay segment) that are absolutely not like what you are describing." I wonder where you live because you know so many healthy positive amazing awesome non stereotypical gay men. Maybe you should start a dating service for all your single friends but wait, let me guess they are all in healthy monogamous ten plus supportive loving marriages with great homes a kid and 2.5 gay dogs ans are not available......
     
    #15 r2de2baca, Dec 2, 2019
  16. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    Update: Well he never contacted me on the dates he was supposed to be in town and I never contacted him. He said we would meet up and gave me the dates but he never reached out to say "Hey just letting you know ill be there tomorrow." or "Hey my flight changed and I am no longer coming." Either way, the message is clear. I guess I was not even friend worthy. What a faker. One thing I notice about gay men. Each and every time I remotely like one of them it never works out. I do not know, I just wish I never was attracted to the same gender. Just feels like a series of failures and disappointments. I think either you whore around or basically you are ex'd out of the running. Harder to find good guys. Just limited gay men out there and the ones that actually want something real is even less except for wherever OGS lives in gaytopia.
     
    #16 r2de2baca, Dec 2, 2019
  17. Nickw

    Nickw
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    I'm sorry you are not having any luck finding someone. I know that what you are complaining about is something that I have heard before. I'm not sure what the answer is. There are, definitely, some areas and locations where being a gay man is easier. And, I will toss this out. It is important to "network". Get involved with gay activities like events, hiking groups, etc. Maybe volunteer at an LGBT center. When you cast a wider network you start to build a community that @OGS might have because it sounds like that is exactly the sort of thing he has done.

    This is going to sound like a very strange thing... My boyfriend complains of the same thing. He is looking for that special long term relationship and he is looking for a support system of other gay men. He is an engaging and handsome man. Yet, he seems to have trouble. When I first came out I wasn't having intimacy with men. I just needed a community. So, I started a process of networking. It was really hard for me because I tend to be shy in larger social settings. But, little by little, I started to build up a group of guys I can hang out with. I am bringing my friend into this group and trying to encourage him to expand it. Next weekend, I am taking him skiing with a guy who would be perfect for him that I met a couple years back.

    This is one way this works out. You meet someone who knows someone else and that person might know another and maybe you find the person you are looking for. I'm hopeful for you that you can build this. Perhaps you could find a "gay mentor" to help you find a community?

    Best luck
     
    #17 Nickw, Dec 2, 2019
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  18. OGS

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    First, I wasn't really disagreeing. I have known a lot of flight attendants over the years and they are lovely if you take them on their own terms, which seem to generally be that they have a guy in each port so to speak. I think it's something about a job where being away from home all the time is the first thing that comes to mind when you consider pursuing it. That's why I said I may have "dated" some but would never date one.

    As far as the gaytopia I live in, it's Chicago. I mean it's nice and all but I don't think it's really all that special.

    And frankly this kind of post is why I don't post as much here as I used to. When I was younger and considering coming out what I really needed was for someone to tell me that it would all be alright, even that it was possible it would all work out. I looked out at what my life would be and I just saw nothing. I tried to kill myself my senior year in high school because I couldn't see that way forward, a person I could be. After a few months out of commission recovering from the attempt I got about life, somehow just accepting that I would trudge on to nowhere in particular. And that was alright, if a bit empty, for a while. And then I came out and I finally found the community. And I really remember looking out at the people I had met and thinking I could be him or him or him or him... And it was like it all opened up. I saw all these happy, healthy gay people. And I thought I can do this. And, for me, it really was like the pall lifted. All those years of looking out and not seeing a way forward just ended.

    I know there are people out there like me when I was younger, people who can't see that way forward, and I try to show that way forward when possible. I think a lot of gay people do. I've actually seen it change a lot of people in real life. It seems to be different online though, most of the time I just get the whole gaytopia thing, the idea that my life is somehow unreasonable and misleading, like people don't really want to think there's a way forward... I don't understand it, but it's happened over and over...Oh well...
     
    #18 OGS, Dec 2, 2019
  19. r2de2baca

    r2de2baca
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    I love Chicago. Maybe the Midwest vibe produces gays with value systems that are more traditional. Ill start looking at considering moving there. It's nothing wrong with being positive and providing hope as long as you don't act like certain realities do not exist amongst the community. I think where the feedback comes with some of your posts or a lot of then actually is that when people are hurting over certain unique realities within the community, it appears you quickly dispel them as though you've never heard of them or that somehow they do not exist. It does not seem like balanced responses to someone else's pain trudging through gay life and it appears to not to have empathy. It is like "Oh really? I've never experienced this amongst my Ken Doll friends who are perfect and employed and monogamous sober masculine Brawny Paper Towel models who are wealthy who never had ussues meeting other compatible gays etc etc etc." Im sure that not how you mean to come off but if you are receiving this feedback a lot online it may be something to ponder. IJS. Sorry about hearing your tried suicide. Looks like everything worked out for you in the end. Glad to hear it definitely got better!"
     
    #19 r2de2baca, Dec 2, 2019
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  20. r2de2baca

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    Did you say your boyfriend is being hooked up by you to meet a man? I'm do confused. Yes I have heard the old thing of "you can meet other gays through gays and out yourself out there." Well making gay friends was really hard. First of all its like where do you meet gays? Of course bars and clubs but this rarely leads to anything positive. I also tried meeting gays at a fee meetup groups but they were really not my cup of tea and for lack of a better way to describe it, were just sooo gay. I wanted friends who were like me...guys who just so happened to like guys versus people revolving their whole life and mannerism around living up some gay camp sterotype or maybe that is just how they were, so be it and more power to them but it didnt click with me. So I did find some "friends" but I realized there were inky available to hang out when it was in the gay district of bars and clubs. When I would suggest doing other things OUTSIDE of that district they would never call me back or would decline to go or would suggest going to the gay district instead. So I often went to things like museums and plays and events by myself thinking well maybe Ill meet someone here. Never happened. Id just be the guy by myself. Also some of these "friends" seemed intent on being caddy and bringing me down. Maybe because I did not want to date them. They would throw little daggers of mean comments here and there towards me out of the blue. My straight friends wouldn't do that and when I would tell my straight friends about it they felt I needed to drop them, which I did. They were toxic for the most part. Both gay and straight friends alike I would tell that I was single and wanted to date and to introduce me to someone. The gays never did. The straights would try and introduce to their one most sterotypical gay friend in the world and suggest we date because he was a "good guy" even though he would be the exact opposite of what I told them I was attracted to. I even had one straight girlfriend when I described what I like said "Wait that is what I would date, you need to go with someone like that"...referring to an effeminate gay man.So needless to say coming out didnt open any doors with dating referrals. Honestly I feel like I have just given up.
     
    #20 r2de2baca, Dec 2, 2019
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