no homophobic or religious barriers

Mostly, but there were/are several other negative influences in my life, which probably had something to do with it. Perhaps that was the case for you too? This didn't affect me 'well into adulthood' (I'm 21,) but there were times early on when it seemingly couldn't have been made clearer, and definitely should have conjured some kind of realisation. If I hadn't been dissociating as much as possible, I feel the realisation would have been triggered sooner.

 

I'm 31, married, and have a son.

And I'm just now confronting that I am either gay or bisexual (and am not sure which).

Through therapy and a lot of reading, I'm learning that I'm a "people pleaser" that developed an anxious attachment style as a child. Even though my parents weren't super religious, and not extremely homophobic (I still heard plenty of "normal for the time" degrading comments growing up), I still bottled up every aspect of myself that I thought was disappointing to those around me.

My sexuality is just one aspect - for me, its a psychological conditioning that has followed me into adulthood that I have just now recognized and am trying to change.

 

I have wondered why I didn’t come to bisexuality before late-in-life!

Mom invited me to a presentation by a gay man because she thought I needed to see a positive example of a gay man. That was when I was out of school, in my 20’s, but I know even when I was younger than that my parents would have accepted. When I was a kid my religion had a resolution to pressure the psychological association to declassify homosexuality as a mental illness, and advocated for equal rights for gay folks (at least on paper). By the time my Mom invited me to that presentation by the gay guy my religion was actively trying to be sure LGB folks would be accepted in leadership (including being the paid religious leader)... and later the religion woke up to the need to do the same with Trans folks. My college had a club something like a GSA club and out gay and lesbian students. As I prepared for my career my mentors sent me to interview a mix of folks they thought would be good to share their way of approaching work, including a couple LGBTQ people.

And it turned out my best friend was gay, though he didn’t come out until after he graduated and had a job. When we were in our teens he’d even noticed I’d looked at some guys, and asked me if I liked guys and I replied “I like people.”

But I liked girls, and it was clear how my body was obviously aroused in situations with some, and how I got tongue-tied sometimes. So I figured I was straight. I didn’t have those reactions to guys.

If I’ve been bisexual this whole time, which is a big “if” considering how I fit straight so well, I know I didn’t have a name for it when I was young, because other than my best friend nobody asks “do you like guys?” - they always ask “Are you gay?” And I knew I wasn’t gay, because of how I was oriented to girls/women, including my wife. Even here on EC people ask “am I gay?” Or they ask “is my best friend straight or gay?” And staff once suggested I look in the mirror and say to myself “I am gay!” That is like me looking in the mirror and saying “I am Albanian!” — I have no family tree that is Albanian, and no DNA, etc. (and I don’t hate Albanians, I’m just not).

So... long answer to say: I didn’t get hit over the head with this until just a couple years ago when guys started dominating my fantasies. Even then it took some counseling to confirm for myself that bisexual was the right orientation, not heterosexual.

 

Hi again @Fuzzy ,
I also wanted to say I’m feeling great to be me, even if I am confused about “why now, so late in life?”
I think I discovered this at the right time of my life - I didn’t die of AIDS as some peers did back in the 20th century, I achieved life goals including being a loving husband and a Dad, and I’m coming out in a time in society where folks are supportive and movies like “Love Simon” are a commercial success.

 

Yeah I grew up in a very liberal accepting family but I still didnt figure things out until I was in my mid 20's and I have spoken to many people on here that age and older. When I first figured it out I was annoyed that I hadn't figured it out sooner but I think our brains just deal with it when they are ready.

 

Me. Grew up without religious norms, but from a culture that was not very expressive of sexuality, although secular. My parents have never demonstrated affection, which maybe part of the reason it was so odd for me to experience this later on.