where you stare at yourself in the mirror and just say to yourself, "I'm being genuine as fuck...and I'm the only one who doesn't believe me"...? And then you just stand there and feel the fear...all of it. Just terror. But a weird kind. Almost euphoric. Because it makes you realize that even though you don't have any definitive answers, you're on the verge of coming the closest you've ever been to a most authentic version of yourself? And guilty at the same time...why is there so much guilt? Or maybe I just drank too much coffee...lol. Sorry this is kind of abstract. I'm just wondering what kinds of moments anyone else has had like this one?
Yes. Definitely yes. Coming out to myself has been one of the most difficult parts. I’ve never been simultaneously so sure of anything (can relate to that feeling of euphoria) and yet second guess myself so frequently. My story is very similar to yours...finally owning by bisexuality after a long time of denial and categorizing my feelings as something else. Lo and behold my “phase” didn’t end after being in an opposite sex marriage! Duh.
Also- I think what’s making this so hard to believe is that when I was younger I really didn’t believe I was bi but I said it anyway cuz I was a dumb kid. Part of me is all like- what if this is just me doing the same thing in adulthood and I’m just secretly really immature...you know? Like- is this even all worth worrying about? I’m married! I’m being dumb...but no, then I think about it, and I’m like- no I’m definitely not being dumb. I’m just being impatient with myself. I need to give myself room to explore this.
Giving yourself enough time and space to explore is really hard but totally necessary. When I started this process this summer I thought “ok great, I’m being transparent with myself and my closest people, can accept and move on.” Ohhhhh how naive I was. Not because I don’t think that will eventually happen, but bc I was not prepared at how much reintegrating my views of my sexuality was going to be. As my therapist put it, you’ve spent the past twenty years with your ideas about this packed neatly in certain boxes. Now you’ve dumped all their contents out and are trying to put things back in different boxes.” Integration is long, uncomfortable work that cannot be rushed. I’ve been supremely frustrated by that at times. But I’ve had people along the way telling me it’s worth it so I’m choosing to believe them (most of the time)
@justme32 @KJmusical I relate with both of you so much right now. I came out end of March, and in the past 7+ months, I've had such a rollercoaster mentally and emotionally. At times I'm like, "Am I really even bi?" and then I find myself painfully attracted to a woman and I realize, "Yes, yes I am". I also go through a lot of those, "I'm married, I'm happy, and I have no need to actually experiment, so why does this even matter?" feelings. Sometimes I barely give any thought to my bisexuality, and then other times I'm hyper aware of it. I've gone back and forth so many times between feeling like it doesn't matter if I ever get to connect with other bi (or non-straight in general) people in real life, and feeling like it would be so nice if I had a friend on this side of the screen who gets it--but I also don't want that to be the entire basis behind the friendship. It's such a strange journey, eh?
Uhm- I totally get what you’re saying. I visited a friend who is bi over the weekend and this is gonna sound some dumb but just sitting around with other women who like both men AND women and talking about THEIR dating lives on ###### and checking out pics of women on their phones with them was so goddamned therapeutic. Hahahaha, it felt so normalizing. I can’t even tell you. I came back from that trip so giddy. It also helped that there were LOTS of cuddles lol. LOTS of cuddles. It helps. It does.
I'm so jealous. T_T Lol, it sounds like it was a really good time. It's good when you find people you feel that comfortable around. ^^
P My gosh, yes. It’s funny I have been thinking about my desire for more female affection lately. Before I wouldn’t have given it a second guess but now I’m kinda in my head about it. I just need to do what feels genuine and get out of my head about it. Easier said than done. But yeah I’m jealous of your girl time too. on Friday night my daughter had a folk dance event at her school. I happen to live in an area with a pretty high percentage of people who identify as gay, so it’s not unusual to encounter lgbtq folks at school events. There’s a lesbian couple that have a son in my daughters grade and I’ve gotta admit I was just kinda admiring them. Envying them? Maybe. I’m realizing now i think I’ve always kinda had this draw to lesbians. Maybe because I had liking women in common with them. Duh.
Hahaha omg yes! I totally know what you mean about that. Every time I watched Pretty Little Liars in my early 20’s I would get so excited and mildly jealous of the one who was a lesbian and all of her relationships hahaha I don’t remember her name...was it Emily?
Yes! I do that one a lot. Like I just need some excitement, some drama in my life so I've made this whole thing up.
This isn't starting to make more sense to me. Right up there with the questions about my sexuality are the questions about why my marriage is so adversarial -- am I somehow provoking the conflicts in order to satisfy a need for drama in my life? Kind of like now accepting and embracing that I am bi even though I've known that on some level for most of my life, I'm recognizing that I like to 'go deep' interacting with people. By that, I mean I crave spending time with someone while we explore the stuff deep in our souls, talking about things that matter and the stuff that makes us tick. When I take the time to go deep, the fact that I'm bi is clear. When I'm back at the surface, it doesn't feel like it matters. In my marriage, I desperately want to go deep with my partner, but when we go deep our differences show up and we offend each other.
OMG so I totally feel you on this “going deep” piece and it makes me feel guilty because...I have definitely discussed my curiosity about my potential for bisexuality throughout the course of our entire relationship. I have admitted there are times I like to get myself off alone because I am fantasizing about being with girls and don’t want that interrupted...lol. It’s not that I prefer those fantasies over him, it’s just that I was always using that time to try to understand myself better in a way he couldn’t help with...and he’s always been OK with that. Both of us are pretty open and honest when it comes to who we fantasize about and how we take care of ourselves during dry spells in our marriage. But the thing is, last year he brought up an article about people like Elizabeth Gilbert being sexually fluid and how maybe I can relate to it but then immediately turned around and started bashing those women for leaving marriages and families. I was, at first, really nice and understanding about it because it was kind of like a way for him to show me how insecure this makes him feel. On the other hand, I did NOT like how he was implying that I am like women who cheat on their husbands and leave them for other women. THAT really pissed me off and quite frankly almost made me feel tempted to go ahead and do just that...and I have had trouble feeling like “going deep” with him ever since. I feel especially guilty about this because he’s a sweet man and a total gem and I have been bitchy and closed off with him and unable to just let me love flow for him ever since. Part of me even doubts if I ever loved him and the other part of me is like/m- why the fuck are you trying to destroy the best part of your life?!?! You’d better be nice to him or else!!! But I just can’t get myself to stop being so much more selfish and closed off with him than I used to be. It sucks.
