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This is my first time vocalizing what's been in my mind...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tauriel, Nov 17, 2019.

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  1. Tauriel

    Tauriel
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    Hi everyone,

    I'm not even sure what I'm doing on here. I'm in my early 30s and I'm tired of keeping my thoughts to myself. I feel like I've been in a mental prison for so long. But, there's no way I feel comfortable telling anyone in my personal life this. I've seen how difficult the world is for all of my open friends.

    To summarize, I have believed for a very long time that I'm pansexual. I've been married for years and at this stage in life my husband is all I want. I'm not looking anymore. But, there's this part of me that's remained hidden; remained secret. I feel nervous even posting this anonymously. But, I vividly remember being a teenage girl and young adult and fantasizing about men, trans-women, and trans-men.

    When I was in high school, society judged the LGB community harshly enough. I have a bi-sexual friend and to this day members of the community still view bi-sexuality as...well, bad I guess. They are shunned from both the CIS and LGBTQ communities. If that's happening with the bisexual community, what could I even expect by telling anyone I'm pansexual? I imagine that's viewed as "worse" than bisexuality.

    In my mind, I know it shouldn't matter to me what anyone thinks. But, I think to myself, I'm happily married. Regardless of who I married, I prefer to be in monogamous relationships. I've spent my whole life hiding this. Do I go down this road? I've dipped my toes into the water by telling my husband I've had feelings for this person or that in the past. But, he thinks that I'm no longer "bisexual" (I didn't even attempt to bring up pansexuality) because, I no longer look or have an interest in anyone else. He thinks it just "went away".

    He's a very open minded, loving and accepting person...a bit dim regarding my failed attempt to confide in one person. That's probably my fault. Because, I didn't make much of an attempt to correct him. I guess I started backing out when I heard my own voice vocalizing it for the first time. I don't know that I'll ever get past the suppression. I don't even feel comfortable confiding in my LGBTQ friends. So, here I am vocalizing in a forum for the first time.

    I'm just tired of living with this alone. I thought I was an absolute freak for the attractions, thoughts and fantasies I had. I don't know what I want to get from this. I think...I just wanted to vocalize it...just once.

    ...I'm pansexual.
     
    #1 Tauriel, Nov 17, 2019
    SevnButton and KJmusical like this.
  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey, welcome to EC. Congratulations on coming out to us.

    I think its totally ok to not know what you want to get out of this for now, sometimes venting and getting things off your chest and talking them over with people can really help, even though it doesnt change the situation you are in. Coming out and accepting your situation is difficult, even if you are in a happy relationship.

    EC is a great place with friendly people, I am sure we can help you.
     
    #2 silverhalo, Nov 17, 2019
  3. KJmusical

    KJmusical
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    Well done! You said it! And you’re not alone. There are quite a few of us cis gendered, mixed orientation married, monogamous people here! If you start digging around the posts in this forum you will definitely find us!

    All the nuances and problems you bring up are something we all struggle with. Am I gay enough for the lgbtq community? Will straight people understand why in the world I’m owning a non straight sexual identity when I’m in a straight looking relationship? Why the hell would I set myself up for discrimination? I think through those questions almost every day. In the end I have to believe that authenticity is worth it. That owning the whole of myself is better than censoring a part of it out because it’s more convenient. And I really think us bis and pans have to make ourselves known so that people don’t ignore us. It’s up to us to combat the erasure and make the road a little easier for those coming up behind us.
     
    #3 KJmusical, Nov 19, 2019
    SevnButton, DecentOne and Drizzle like this.
  4. SevnButton

    SevnButton
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    Hi @Tauriel -
    @KJmusical really said it well. Being out as bi or pan has its own special nuances. I've lived the vast majority of my life feeling the sexual attractions to both men and women while I've suppressed outward expression of everything except conventional hetero sexuality. Unfortunately, I think I suppressed that too. I'm about twice your age, and I so fervently wish I could tell my 30 year-old self to do things differently and sooner.

    What has worked for me now has been to post and read here a LOT. It's been really constructive to put my thoughts and feelings into words, immensely helpful to read the posts from other people, and thoroughly reassuring to discover there are a lot of people out there who are very much like me. Maybe that will work for you too.

    Hey! Good on ya for reaching out here on this forum!
     
    #4 SevnButton, Nov 24, 2019
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