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Terrifying prospect of coming out to my husband

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by superbloom, Nov 12, 2019.

  1. superbloom

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    Hi! I'm new here and hoping to find advice, or hear stories from others in similar situations. I've browsed around on here a bit and found some similar stories, but did not want to dredge up a post from years ago, so I apologize for the repetition. I know I'm not the only one though :sweat:

    I've been out as bi/pan since I was 15, eventually met and married my husband and we've now been together for 10 years. We have two awesome kiddos and a pretty good marriage. He's my best friend and... I think you know where this is going. I've definitely felt my sexuality shifting over the past couple of years, moving up on the Kinsey scale, but didn't expect to completely lose my attraction to men. Now I'm pretty damn certain that I'm gay, and the moment I realized it it's like the floodgates opened. It's as if there's no going back now - It hit me, and there's no real uncertainty - I'm totally fucking gay. I wish I could pretend I never came to this realization but now that I have it's like any tiny remaining bit of me that was straight is completely gone.

    I'm left feeling this huge empty hole that I know can only be filled with a relationship with a woman. My marriage ending has always been one of my biggest fears and I'm in love with this man - but now it feels as if someone is holding a gun to my head and forcing me to destroy my marriage. He's a great guy, a great dad, and completely undeserving and entirely clueless about what's to come. It's so fucking painful to look him in the eye knowing that I'm going to crush his heart. I love him so much. But I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore and I know deep down that I need a relationship with a woman.

    The thought of destroying my own life is too fucking much to bear sometimes. The hurt I'm going to cause to my husband, my children, my in-laws, my family - I know it's not much of a choice, but it feels like one, and that makes it hurt all the worse. I know this story is an all too familiar one, so thank you for your patience and for listening. I have no idea where to turn to with this pain (I'm seeing a therapist soon who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues so there's that), so any insight or virtual cuddles would be oh so greatly appreciated :heartbeat:
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. You are right you are definitely not alone but feel free to make new threads anytime you have something you want to let out, typing things out, especially if you have been keeping things inside can feel quite therapeutic sometimes.
    It is really a no win situation to be in, its not your fault even though at times it may feel like it is.
    EC is a great place to discuss things and find support and comfort so you have definitely come to the right place.
    Do you have any friends that know what is going on?
     
  3. superbloom

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    Thanks for the warm welcome :heart:I've told my best (female) friend, and she's been incredibly supportive and has helped me find the right therapist and knows all the right things to say and what I need right now. I have no idea what I would do without her here to help me navigate this, because what I couldn't quite have imagined before is how incredibly lonely I feel around my family now.
     
  4. cjmiller

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    Hi and welcome.

    I'm in a similar boat as you and found like @silverhalo said typing things out has really help. I've been married for pays 20 years and always considered myself bi. Then one day, like you wammo I'm GAY... Was a huge relief off my shoulders and the flood of emotions the constant desire to join the LGBT community has been overwhelming.

    Just a little problem, I'm married. I seem to be trying to sabotage my marriage to a wonderful women who deserves better. She is perfect in everyway (other than being a man). I think I'm trying to take the "easy" route and hope she will get fed up with me, but I really need to come clean. Sooner or later she will discover I'm gay.

    If you every want to chat, hit me up.
     
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  5. silverhalo

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    That is great that you have such a supportive friend. I remember that in between stage when I was figuring out my sexuality and at first nobody knew. It can feel really stressful and isolating, to me when I was first figuring things out it felt as though LGBT references were everywhere around me, more so than before I had questioned my sexuality but I think it was just that I was more sensitive to them.
     
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  6. superbloom

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    The funny thing is, I came out as bi as a teen and have been passionate about LGBTQ+ issues since I was a kid so I've been surrounded by those resources for as long as I can remember it seems - (but still somehow managed to ignore/not tune into my true sexuality until now :shrug:) But now that I find myself in this dark place, it almost feels as if the sheer amount of resources is so damn overwhelming. Ugh. The people I want to lean on most - my family - are the ones I'm about to destroy with this relationship-destroying knowledge so it feels like the suffocating quantity of resources at my disposal is only making things more stressful, if that makes sense.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Yeah I get that, I was always supportive of LGBT stuff, I wasn't mega active but always supportive, id grown up in a liberal accepting family with a gay uncle and all was well but when I questioned my own sexuality it all changed, like it was ok for everyone else to be gay but not myself, it took a while to work through that before i felt as though I could even tell people. Hopefully your family will still be supportive, it isnt your fault this is happening.
    Are there any LGBT meet ups or anything near you?
     
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  8. Phoenix92

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    Welcome to EC!

    As for this deeper understanding of your own sexuality, it;s perfectly human to gain deeper understanding of ones self
     
  9. justme32

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    Yes to the whole, “it’s ok for everyone else but not me” part. Even after coming out as bi, in the past, I didn’t feel like it was OK for me to date other women.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    It can be a really strange transition. Even after I kind of acknowledged my attraction to girls I found it hard to talk about. Having a discussion about girls I might like just felt so alien to me. Almost like I had to force myself to do it, even though it also felt kind of cool.
     
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  11. Contented

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    Like so many I spent years married to a woman until one day my underlying sexuality started to emerge. The catalyst of meeting the man that opened my eyes to my homosexuality started me down the inevitable path of coming out as gay. At first I tried not to acknowledge it and just keep up a false front. Soon I could no longer do that. I need to be with a man. It started to consume me as I was totally unhappy. There came that time that despite the pain and hurt I needed to acknowledge I was gay and move on to a same sex relationship. All I can tell you is that it was all so worth it. I spent years as an unhappy unfulfilled straight man only to find peace and happiness as a gay man in a loving relationship with the arms of another man.
     
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  12. Luria77

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    You're definitely not the only one (I thought I was!) I left my husband last year (but he was a jerk, so it was easier to do than having to leave someone who is your best friend). I have a child as well (age 8). It's been difficult. Like, ridiculously difficult. But a year later, here I am, living in a new place with my daughter, no jackass husband to deal with, and I'm dating a lovely woman. It just makes sense finally. I felt so confused about dating guys, it always seemed like there was a big hole in my relationships and I never understood why. I wish you all the best...it's not easy but things can get better, whatever you decide. :slight_smile:
     
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