I'm wondering if I have a problem if I want to lose a lot of weight when I don't have to. According to my BMI chart and last doctor visit I don't need to lose weight, but I still want to. I'd have to gain 20 more pounds just to be considered overweight, and most people typically say my weight is ideal or even call me skinny, but I'm 30 pounds from being underweight (according to most BMI charts, less for charts that distinguish between male and female). But, I still feel fat. Usually, to lose weight, I meticulously count calories, down to the teaspoon. This can disturb some people, so I have to hide it, especially from my mom. It can be maddening, and it has me breaking up days into what I call "gain days," "maintain days," and "loss days," depending on if I (presumably) gained weight, maintained what I have, or lost weight, based on my calorie consumption for the day. My gain & maintain days are usually the result of me caving to my hunger. Sometimes when I go over, I might do extra walking or some activity where I can hopefully burn the extra calories off. I've tried vomiting, which yes I know is bad, but I can only puke a little bit back up. I know that can rot my teeth out, because of the acid in vomit, but whenever I'm tempted, I try justifying it by saying I can just gargle water to wash it off, idk, but like I said I'm bad at it so I dont do it much. I've never been diagnosed with an ED, but I had a psychiatrist come close to it. I was 15 pounds lighter at the time and she was diagnosing me with other conditions. It kind of surprised me when she asked me if I had an ED, because at the time I had 15 more pounds to lose until my BMI would be considered underweight. I didn't really lie to her, but I did conceal from her the fact that I was still trying to lose weight back then. It really upsets me that I've gained 15 pounds since my lowest point this year. I want to lose more. I can be really good at it when I really get going, like I did at the beginning of the year before I stopped counting calories and undid my progress. My main problems with losing weight though is one, I need the energy to work, study, and do tests, and two, my hair. My grades are my top priority, so whenever I have a big exam coming up, I stop calorie counting and just eat until I'm full. My brain needs energy, and when it's well fed, I get the As I want. Then when it comes to hair, I've been battling premature hair loss for years. Nature was truly not kind to me. Thanks to things like minoxidil and a few other things I'm not going to mention, my hair is mostly okay. I really, really ,really, don't want to be bald, and so I try to eat, like, 60g of protein a day. I don't think over-eating protein will help prevent me from going bald, but I know under-eating protein definitely will. So, with brain power and my hair in mind, I try to eat 1500 calories a day. This is enough to give me a slow but stead weight loss. I really don't know what would happen to me if I can manage to run in to that brick wall of the low point of my bmi though. I'm scared of my doctor sectioning me if I go under. I might just not go. Then there's this sort of voice in me that tells me I shouldn't stop at the 18.5 bmi mark thing, and just keep going. I just wouldn't want to keep going if it means losing more hair. I mean, I don't want to look emaciated, I know what emaciation looks like, but when it's been so long since I've been as lanky as I was as a kid, it's hard to know how much weight I can lose without going there. One thing I know is I just don't like how I am now, and I feel really gross.
Chizu, I am not a professional, but this sounds to me like you’ve got a borderline eating disorder paired with body dysmorphia. I was where you were at one point, except I never counted calories, I just wouldn’t eat. Or I’d do lots of protein powder. It was only recently that I was able to get my ED diagnosis, and that in itself was an uphill battle. My weight was always within the “normal” range. Bloodwork done at some visits showed that my electrolytes were still within the normal range, until the UC visit before I got the diagnosis. Even though I’d stated that I’d not had a desire/drive to eat since 1200 the previous day(this UC visit I checked in at 1400 so 26 hours without eating, by the time I got done, at 1700, I still didn’t have a desire to eat, but I still stopped for food.) With mine, if my mind tells me I’m not hungry, and I force myself to eat, I’ll hold off on eating the rest of the day, and sometimes longer. Please, get some help for your issues before they escalate into a full fledged ED, as that is a diagnosis that will always stick with you. Please, I know that there may be a desire to have a certain weight, but sometimes the weight we want to be at is not a healthy looking eight for us. The whole BMI scale is great and all, but it doesn’t take some factors into account, natural build being a prime flaw. If you want my opinions, please don’t try to lose that extra weight, because even if you are happy with it, others may become concerned. And trust me, forced hospitalization is not a fun thing.
